414: EMPEROR THEODOSIUS, AGE 13, YIELDS POWER TO HIS OLDER SISTER AELIA PULCHERIA AS EMPRESS OF THE EASTERN ROMAN EMPIRE.
"I'm an Eastern Roman Dandy...."
993: SAINT ULRICH OF AUGSBURG IS CANONIZED.
"I'm a Saint of Augsburg Dandy...." Okay, folks, I will probably only do that gag three times. That's two.
1054: A SUPERNOVA IS SEEN BY CHINESE, ARAB, AND POSSIBLY AMERINDIAN OBSERVERS.
Anybody see the Superpinto? Or the Superduster?
1120: JORDAN II OF CAPUA IS ANOINTED AS PRINCE AFTER HIS INFANT NEPHEW'S DEATH.
Wait. His infant nephew had the job before him???
1456: THE SIEGE OF NANDORFEHERVAR BEGINS.
Okay, spell that word out in your next "Words with Friends" match.
1636: THE CITY OF PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND FORMS.
Beating the birth of the country by about 140 years.
1754: DURING THE FRENCH AND INDIAN WAR, GENERAL GEORGE WASHINGTON SURRENDERS FORT NECESSITY TO FRENCH CAPTAIN LOUIS COULON DE VILLIERS.
Obviously, it wasn't.
1776: THE UNITED STATES DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE IS ADOPTED.
History books unfortunately do not tell us who lit the first sparkler.
1778: DURING THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, AMERICAN FORCES UNDER GEORGE CLARK CAPTURE KASKASKIA DURING THE ILLINOIS CAMPAIGN.
As long as Kaskaskia isn't anywhere near the south side of Chicago, good for them.
1802: AT WEST POINT, NEW YORK, THE UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY OPENS.
Girls colleges in that area, watch out.
1803: THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE IS ANNOUNCED TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
When did it happen? And were they sitting on this news???
1810: THE FRENCH OCCUPY AMSTERDAM.
See how they like it 130 years later.
1816: DISTILLER HIRAM WALKER IS BORN.
Hiccup.
1817: CONSTRUCTION OF THE ERIE CANAL BEGINS.
Shovel ready.
1826: THOMAS JEFFERSON, THIRD PRESIDENT OF THE US, DIES THE SAME DAY AS JOHN ADAMS, SECOND PRESIDENT OF THE US, ON THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
I smell a suicide pact.
1827: SLAVERY IS ABOLISHED IN NEW YORK STATE.
Al Sharpton's earliest achievement.
1831: JAMES MONROE, THE FIFTH PRESIDENT OF THE US, DIES.
Boy, those early Presidents sure were a weird bunch.
1838: THE IOWA TERRITORY IS ORGANIZED.
As opposed to the Occupy movement which was not.
1862: LEWIS CARROLL TELLS ALICE LIDDELL A STORY THAT WOULD GROW INTO "ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND."
Uh huh. Nobody can tell me Lewis Carroll wasn't smoking some hard stuff when he dreamt this up.
1865: "ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND" IS PUBLISHED.
And apparently he kept smoking it.
1882: MOVIE MOGUL LOUIS B. MAYER IS BORN.
"I'm a Yankee Doodle Bastard...."
1886: THE PEOPLE OF FRANCE OFFER THE STATUE OF LIBERTY TO THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES.
Did you save the gift receipt?
1894: THE SHORT-LIVED REPUBLIC OF HAWAII IS PROCLAIMED BY SANFORD B. DOLE.
Sanford and Pineapple.
1903: DOROTHY LEVITT IS REPORTED AS THE FIRST WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO COMPETE IN A MOTOR RACE.
She was racing for a parking space in the mall where Macy's was having a sale.
1910: BLACK BOXER JACK JOHNSON KNOCKS OUT WHITE BOXER JIM JEFFRIES IN A BOXING MATCH THAT SPARKS RACE RIOTS ACROSS THE US.
Before television sets, why did people loot during riots?
1910: ACTRESS GLORIA STUART IS BORN.
She lasted to the age of 100. And got an Oscar nomination at the age of 87. Saving the best for last.
1911: ENTERTAINER MITCH MILLER IS BORN.
Everybody, sing!
1913: PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON ADDRESSES CIVIL WAR VETERANS AT THE GREAT REUNION OF 1913.
The reunion in 1912 was only mediocre.
1918: ADVICE COLUMNIST ANN LANDERS IS BORN.
Okay, she'll be taking your letters in about...er, 30 years.
1918: ADVICE COLUMNIST ABIGAIL VAN BUREN IS BORN.
Stupid readers will think this is a weird coincidence. The smart ones will know that THEY WERE TWINS!!!
1924: ACTRESS EVA MARIE SAINT IS BORN.
She's in one of my favorite movies of all time. "North by Northwest."
1927: ACTRESS GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA IS BORN.
Va-va-va-voom.
1927: PLAYWRIGHT NEIL SIMON IS BORN.
Certainly not the best looking person to be born on this date in 1927.
1930: YANKEE OWNER GEORGE STEINBRENNER IS BORN.
Had more hair on this day than at any other time in his life.
1931: ACTOR STEPHEN BOYD IS BORN.
He's in one of my favorite movies of all time. "Ben-Hur."
1938: SINGER BILL WITHERS IS BORN.
"Ain't no sunshine..."
1939: ON THE FIRST EVER OLDTIMERS DAY, LOU GEHRIG TELLS A YANKEE STADIUM CROWD THAT HE CONSIDERS HIMSELF "THE LUCKIEST MAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH" AS HE ANNOUNCES HIS RETIREMENT FROM BASEBALL.
Weird fact: In the movie, Gary Cooper was a right-handed batter and they had to flip the camera so he could appear to be the left-handed Gehrig.
1943: JOURNALIST GERALDO RIVERA IS BORN.
I can't believe that I described him that way.
1943: FOOTBALL PLAYER EMERSON BOOZER IS BORN.
On the same date as Hiram Walker. Fitting.
1950: THE FIRST BROADCAST BY RADIO FREE EUROPE.
Ultimately, nothing is really "free."
1960: FOLLOWING THE ADMISSION OF HAWAII INTO THE US IN 1959, THE 50-STAR AMERICAN FLAG DEBUTS IN PHILADELPHIA.
It took almost a year to do this sewing job?? You can't trust those sweat jobs.
1966: PRESIDENT LYNDON B. JOHNSON SIGNS THE FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT INTO LAW.
Okay, as I said, nothing is really "free."
1976: TALL SHIPS LINE NY HARBOR AS AMERICA CELEBRATES ITS BICENTENNIAL.
I remember this day. While the country celebrated, I had the worst case of colitis.
1887: IN FRANCE, FORMER GESTAPO CHIEF KLAUS BARBIE IS CONVICTED OF CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY AND IS SENTENCED TO LIFE IMPRISONMENT.
No news on the sentencing for Ken and Skipper.
1995: ACTRESS EVA GABOR DIES.
Now residing underneath Green Acres.
1997: JOURNALIST CHARLES KURALT DIES.
The Road ends.
2003: SINGER BARRY WHITE DIES.
The inventor of Kiss Cam.
2004: THE CORNERSTONE OF THE FREEDOM TOWER IS LAID ON THE SITE OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER IN NY.
Meanwhile, that building still isn't finished.
2005: FOOTBALL COACH HANK STRAM DIES.
The clock runs out.
2008: POLITICIAN JESSE HELMS DIES.
Liberals want to make this a national holiday.
Dinner last night: Bratwurst at the Hollywood Bowl.
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