Your Weekend Movie Guide for July 2012

The Cinerama filming process was actually invented in the 50s.  It gave you the sensation of actually being in the movie.   Riding a roller coaster or flying over the Grand Canyon.  There was no real plot to "This is Cinerama," so you might not see the point of such a film.

Compared to today's crap oozing out of the pores of Hollywood, "This is Cinerama" is superb story telling.  The fare this summer weekend promises to be absolute garbage.  You know the drill of these monthly posts.  I'll scan through the Los Angeles Times movie pages and give you my knee-jerk reaction to the shit that stinks up our multiplexes.  Once again, it's summer, so expect it to smell even worse than usual.

The Dark Knight Rises:  Opening next week but it's never too early to make plans to avoid this latest nail in the coffin of the Batman franchise as hammered by Hollywood's most overrated director, Christopher Nolan.  The first one was loud, noisy, and incoherent.  Lots of idiots thought it was great, but none of these folks have the mental capacity to recognize a good movie when they see one.  Treat this film as if it has the Ebola virus.

Ice Age - Continental Drift:  This is #3.  Or is it #8?  I have officially lost count.   The first one was cute.  But I don't have to see the endless variations on the same gag.

Magic Mike:  Making a movie about exotic dancers and strippers should be a slam dunk, but Hollywood inexplicably can't get it right.  Remember the mess that was Showgirls?  Well, the male version is no better.  A complete snoozefest from the very first frame.  What can you say about a film where Matthew McConaughey is the best actor in the cast???  And Channing Tatum is everybody's safety net.  If he's around, you'll never be the dumbest person in the room.

Prometheus:  Reviewed here earlier this week.  A toxic spill at your local multiplex.  Please call HAZMAT immediately.

To Rome With Love:  Even an average Woody Allen offering is 100 times better than the lastest comedy starring Will Ferrell.  Or anything by that jackass Tyler Perry.

Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection:  For instance...   How the hell did decent actors like Eugene Levy and Doris Roberts wind up in this latest toilet clog from the ultra racist Perry?

Brave:  Pixar's latest and really not on my RADAR screen.  Because I am not a girl at the age of five.

Katy Perry - Part of Me:  Yeah?  Which part? 

The Amazing Spider-Man:  The reviews are so good that I may have to sample this complete retread of a movie made ten years ago.  Plus there's something about Emma Stone that.....well, you know.

Savages:  Oliver Stone's latest about people who go pot.  John Travolta is in it and he's gone to pot himself.   Unless he's wearing a dress in this, I'm not interested.

Ted:  Mark Wahlberg and his foul-mouthed teddy bear.  What's next?  A Cabbage Patch kid that sleeps around?  A doll called "Fuck Me, Elmo?"

Madagascar 3:  Anybody who drives a Cadillac Escalade would be mad at their gas car.

People Like Us:  While settling his recently deceased father's estate, a salesman discovers he has a sister whom he never knew about, leading both siblings to re-examine their perceptions about family and life choices.  My major choice in life is to always avoid movies about life choices.

Abraham Lincoln - Vampire Hunter:  They should be combined this with Magic Mike.  Abraham Lincoln - Pole Dancer.

Farewell, My Queen:  It's all about Marie Antoinette, so shouldn't the title be "Farewell, My Head?"

Nipples and Palm Trees:  A down and out journey into a land of raunchy and bizarre sexual encounters.  I'm just guessing but I don't think this is a Dsiney film with Miley Cyrus.

Blind Revenge:  A blind author hires an assistant to help with his final opus, but the assistant has a secret agenda.  What are they going to do?  Move the furniture around?   According to the notes, this was made back in 2010.  Never a good sign.

Drunkboat:  An alcoholic veteran (aren't they all?) reconnects with family.  And I thought this would be about a senior prom using the Circle Line for a booze cruise.

Take This Waltz:   I actually saw this art film.  Michelle Williams anguishes over leaving husband Seth Rogen.  Not a hard decision to me.

Beasts of the Southern Wild:  Faced with her father's fading health and environmental changes that release an army of prehistoric creatures called aurochs, six-year-old Hushpuppy leaves her Delta-community home in search of her mother.  Who would name their kid after a suede shoe???

The Magic of Belle Isle:  The movie Morgan Freeman made last week.  In an effort to tap into his original talent, a wheelchair-bound author moves to a rural town, where he befriends a single mother and her three kids, who help reignite his passion for writing.  Rob Reiner directed and his movies just keep getting smaller and smaller.  What's the deal?  Meathead, I have ideas.  See me.  You know where I sit at Dodger Stadium.

Moonrise Kingdom:   The most whimsical movie you will see in 2012.

Your Sister's Sister:  Would also be your sister, right?   Just what kind of riddle is this???

Easy Money:  When JW becomes a drug runner in order to maintain his double life, his fate becomes tied to two other men: Jorge, a fugitive on the run from both the Serbian mafia and the police, and mafia enforcer Mrado, who is on the hunt for Jorge.  If it's not bad enough that we have to worry about Italian mobsters, now we have to deal with the Serbs?

Union Square:  Jenny, who has rejected her tumultuous family for a more ordered life, gets a surprise visit from her sister Lucy at a critical time - right at the moment where she's feels ready to commit to her longtime fiancé.  I see Patti Lu Pone listed in the supporting cast.  Earplugs, please.

The Pact:  As a woman struggles to come to grips with her past in the wake of her mother's death, an unsettling presence emerges in her childhood home.  In my childhood house, we called that unsettling presence "Uncle Louie."

Red Lights:  The movie Robert De Niro made last week.  Psychologist Margaret Matheson and her assistant study paranormal activity, which leads them to investigate a world-renowned psychic who has resurfaced years after his toughest critic mysteriously passed away.  If the psychic was any good, the filmmakers would have been warned not to make this movie.

Ballplayer - Pelotero:  A documentary about young baseball players in the Dominican Republic.  Right across home plate for me.  Si.

Trishna:  The story of the tragic relationship between the son of a property developer and the daughter of an auto rickshaw owner.  Uh oh, I smell a nasty rickshaw fender bender.

Top Priority - The Terror Within:  A documentary about Homeland Security and a bunch of aliens that have slipped into the country.  This is a big revelation?  Happens every day. 

Dinner last night:  French dip sandwich at Jerry's Famous Deli in Westwood.