Let This One Go

I'm here today in support of all the small boys in America.

No, this is not the voice of somebody in a raincoat hanging around a playground.   I'm simply a moviegoer who is incredibly disturbed about what has happened to Walt Disney Animation over the past two decades.

You see, when you look back over the collective product released as Disney "cartoons," you'll notice that the main character in all of them is...a girl.  And not just your run-of-the-mill girl.  Nope, these characters are smart, feisty, strong-willed, and wit. Completely empowered.  You had that Mulan.  The Rapunzel knock-off in "Tangled."  "The Princess and the Frog" updated to give little African-American girls a role model.  That ragamuffin Brave in a movie that was nothing more than "Braveheart" without Mel Gibson's anti-Semitism.

Because Disney Studios has made a shitload of money catering to these little would-be princesses, all their animated movies are now cookie-cutter productions designed to make a little girl feel like she can do it all.  And sing an Oscar-winning song to boot.

When can we get a boy to star in one of these things?  Heh?   And don't counter me with Aladdin.  That was over twenty years ago, smart ass.

Oh, sure, there are male characters.  Usually they are oafish and not very bright.  Incredibly good looking but generally their best friend is a horse.  That they talk to.  They are won over by the star...wait for it...the girl.  And they will live happily after.  As long as the poor schmuck remembers to take the trash out before his wife has to remind him.

This brings me to the latest propaganda.  "Frozen."  Another in an increasingly long line of Disney cartoons that look exactly the same as the last one released. 

I grew up on Disney cartoons and devoured them on their first release and then eventual re-release every seven years.  These were the hallmarks of animation.  Terrific stories.  All magnificently hand-drawn.  Wonderful characters.  Hilarious gags.  Great songs.   No two Disney cartoons looked alike.

"Cinderella."   Okay, it was a girl.

"Peter Pan."  Yes, he was a boy in the cartoon.  Girls play him on stage.

"Lady and the Tramp."   Equal billing for both sexes.  My mom's favorite Disney cartoon and also mine.

"The Sword in the Stone."  Yes, a boy.  And a big old rock.

"Sleeping Beauty."  Okay, a girl but the damn thing was in widescreen and looked amazing.

"Pinocchio."   A real boy after he overcame his wooden acting.

You get the point?  Each of these films was very distinctive.  And original.

Contrast this now with the junk Disney has subjected us to over the past ten years.  Computer generated images singing the same tune that you might have heard in the last five movies.   And the films, while called "animation," go out of their way to make the characters look like real human beings.  The new style is to get as far away from looking like a cartoon as possible, but still be able to compete in the Best Animated Feature category on Oscar night. 

What's the point, really?   When I want a cartoon, give me a freakin' cartoon.  

This brings me to the latest fare, "Frozen," which I finally got around to seeing.  I had heard great things from friends who saw it.  Their kids (girls, by the way) are singing the tunes and collecting the dolls.  It's made a gazillion dollars at the box office and allegedly is the biggest animated grosser ever.  Of course, that's much easier to do now than when "Lady and The Tramp" opened in 1955.  Back then, kids saw it for a quarter or fifty cents.  In 2014, a Frozen event for your moppet will run fifteen bucks.   Or more if you want to give them the VIP treatment at the El Capitan Theater on Hollywood Boulevard.

So, as you can see, it's easier to be a top grossing film when the prices are so high.  But, nevertheless, "Frozen" turned out to be a rousing success and supposedly cures cancer as well.

I am not sure why.  Because, once again, Frozen looks exactly like the last sixteen animated films that Disney has concocted.

This time, you have not one, but two little princesses.  Elsa and Anna who live in some far-off place that will likely be recreated as the next big ride attraction at California Adventure.  Elsa somehow causes an accident for Anna who hits her head on the ice.  You would hope that the kid loses her memory and completely forgets she's in this movie, but no such luck.  Ultimately, their parents, the King and Queen of Sleep Apnea, disappear.  They are either lost at sea or stuck in the popcorn line.  This leaves the two gremlins alone in the world.  It's Bambi after the forest fire all over again.  Except, in some bizarre way, Elsa has created this eternal winter.  All frigid all the time.  And don't I remember that from dates in college?

It's up to Anna to save her sister and bring back summer.  Maybe she's got Dodger tickets.  We meet the requisite boy characters and predictably they are either a villain or an idiot.  Prince Hans is good looking and a fiend.  Christoph is also good looking and a dunce.  He spends most of his time talking to his moose, his horse, or a wise-cracking snowman that you just wanted to see salted.  There are about two dozen songs that all sound like they belong in the musical "Wicked."  Or maybe they were.   Indeed, the whole plot of this mess is nothing but a ripoff of that tale.  Two sisters (or witches) at odds.  "Frozen" is really nothing more than "Wicked" as if it was produced by the Weather Channel.

Since this is Disney animation, you do realize that one of the songs will undoubtedly win Best Song at the Oscars.  And the tune "Let It Go" does just that for "Frozen."  The song is played repeatedly throughout and, by the fourth reel, it was going through my head like a Japanese bayonet on Corregidor.  Co-written by the guy who did the music for the inventive "Avenue Q," the "Frozen" soundtrack is nowhere nearly as clever as the songs he wrote for politically incorrect felt puppets.  But, then again, this is Disney animation in 2014 and righteousness must win out at every tune.  At least, "Let It Go" isn't nearly as obnoxious as that overplayed and overhyped "I'm Happy" from "Despicable Me 2."  That ditty actually has made teeth fall out. 

Essentially, "Frozen" is one more sad chapter in the destruction of what used to be a history of glorious animated features from the Disney studios.   It made me glad that I was a kid when I was a kid. 

And a boy who actually had something on the silver screen that I could identify with.

LEN'S RATING:  One star.

Dinner last night:  German cold cut sandwich and German potato salad.