475: BYZANTINE EMPEROR BASILISCUS ISSUES A CIRCULAR LETTER TO THE BISHOPS OF HIS EMPIRE, SUPPORTING THE MONOPHYSITE CHRISTOLOGICAL POSITION.
Sure, that's easy for you to say.
1388: DESPITE BEING OUTNUMBERED 16 TO 1, FORCES OF THE OLD SWISS CONFEDERACY ARE VICTORIOUS OVER THE ARCHDUCHY OF AUSTRIA.
Is there such a thing as a rubber duchy?
1413: HENRY V IS CROWNED KING OF ENGLAND.
We're three whole Henrys away from the really fun one.
1440: CHRISTOPHER OF BAVARIA IS APPOINTED KING OF DENMARK.
Hog.
1511: ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE IN CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND RECEIVES ITS CHARTER.
Let the unwieldy corset raids begin.
1585: THE EXPEDITION ORGANIZED BY SIR WALTER RALEIGH DEPARTS ENGLAND TO ESTABLISH THE ROANOKE COLONY.
When do the coupons go on the back of the cigarette packs?
1682: ROBERT CAVELIER DE LA SALLE DISCOVERS THE MOUTH OF THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER, CLAIMS IT FOR FRANCE AND NAMES IT LOUISIANA.
Do the French want the state back? They can have it for a song, busted levees and all.
1860: ON HIS PHONAUTOGRAPH MACHINE, EDOUARD-LEON SCOTT DE MARTINVILLE MAKES THE OLDEST KNOWN RECORDING OF AN AUDIBLE HUMAN VOICE.
I thought that was Elaine Stritch.
1865: DURING THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR, ROBERT E. LEE SURRENDERS TO ULYSSES S. GRANT AT APPOMATTOX.
A war that should never have started in the first place. In fact, it's never really ended.
1867: PASSING BY A SINGLE VOTE, THE US SENATE RATIFIES A TREAT WITH RUSSIA FOR THE PURCHASE OF ALASKA.
After all, you can see Russia from Sarah Palin's front porch.
1903: ACTOR WARD BOND IS BORN.
Wagon Train!
1916: DURING WORLD WAR I, GERMAN FORCES LAUNCH THEIR THIRD OFFENSIVE AT THE BATTLE OF VERDUN.
Dumkopfs.
1926: PUBLISHER HUGH HEFNER IS BORN.
I can't wait to see Miss April.
1932: ZOOLOGIST JIM FOWLER IS BORN.
"Go ahead and pet it, Johnny."
1937: THE KAMIKAZE ARRIVES IN LONDON---THE FIRST JAPANESE-BUILT AIRCRAFT.
Four years later, they will put it to horrible use.
1937: PRODUCER MARTY KROFFT IS BORN.
But where is Sid?
1939: MARIAN ANDERSON SINGS AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL, AFTER BEING DENIED THE RIGHT TO SING AT THE DAUGHTERS OF THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION'S CONSTITUTION HALL.
Eh, it's always something....
1939: ACTRESS MICHAEL LEARNED IS BORN.
Remember to say good night to your kids.
1942: DURING WORLD WAR II, UNITED STATES FORCES SURRENDER TO THE JAPANESE ON THE BATAAN PENINSULA.
Yeah, you might be winning now, but...
1945: THE UNITED STATES ATOMIC ENERGY COMMISSION IS FORMED.
In a few short months, they'll put that to damn good use.
1957: THE SUEZ CANAL IN EGYPT OPENS TO SHIPPING.
E-Z Pass available.
1959: NASA ANNOUNCES THE SELECTION OF THE UNITED STATES' FIRST SEVEN ASTRONAUTS --- THE MERCURY SEVEN.
And there's not a chimp amongst them.
1959: ARCHITECT FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT DIES.
Even the casket was a split level.
1965: THE HOUSTON ASTRODOME OPENS.
We're going to have to do something about that grass.
1969: THE CHICAGO EIGHT PLEAD NOT GUILTY TO FEDERAL CHARGES OF CONSPIRACY TO INCITE A RIOT AT THE CHICAGO DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION IN 1968.
Not guilty? ROFLMAO.
1980: THE IRAQI REGIME OF SADDAM HUSSEIN KILLS PHILOSOPHER MUHAMMAD BAQIR AL-SADR AND HIS SISTER AFTER THREE DAYS OF TORTURE.
Why waste the time on the torture if he was going to kill them anyway? Discuss.
1992: A US FEDERAL COURT FINDS FORMER PANAMANIAN DICTATOR MANUEL NORIEGA GUILTY OF DRUG AND RACKETEERING CHARGES. HE IS SENTENCED TO 30 YEARS IN PRISON.
Not long enough for me.
2001: BASEBALL STAR WILLIE STARGELL DIES.
He hung on me when I tried to interview him for my college radio station. What goes around....
2005: THE WEDDING OF CHARLES, PRINCE OF WALES AND CAMILLA PARKER BOWLES.
Registered at Bed, Bath, and Way Beyond.
2009: BASEBALL PLAYER NICK ADENHART DIES.
Killed in a car crash after he pitches a game for the Angels. What a waste.
2011: DIRECTOR SIDNEY LUMET DIES.
I'm mad as hell and I'm dead.
Dinner last night: Leftover tortellini.
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