313: DURING THE BATTLE OF TZIRALLUM, EMPEROR LICINIUS DEFEATS MAXIMINUS II AND UNIFIES THE EASTERN ROMAN EMPIRE.
Good, because I was worried about the un-unification of the Eastern Roman Empire.
642: CHINDASUINTH IS PROCLAIMED KING BY THE VISIGOTHIC NOBILITY.
Good, because I was worried that he wouldn't be.
1315: ENGUERRAND DE MARIGNY IS HANGED ON THE PUBLIC GALLOWS AT MONTFAUCON.
Good. Period.
1492: SPAIN GIVES CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS HIS COMMISSION OF EXPLORATION.
Here are the car keys. Don't dent it.
1789: ON WALL STREET IN NEW YORK CITY, GEORGE WASHINGTON TAKES THE OATH OF OFFICE TO BECOME THE FIRST ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
You mean there were presidents that were not elected???
1803: THE UNITED STATES PURCHASES THE LOUISIANA TERRITORY FROM FRANCE FOR $15 MILLION, MORE THAN DOUBLING THE SIZE OF THE YOUNG NATION.
These days, $15 million gets you one year with a good-hitting left fielder.
1812: THE TERRITORY OF ORLEANS BECOMES THE 18TH US STATE UNDER THE NAME LOUISIANA.
With a banjo on my knee.
1885: NEW YORK GOVERNOR DAVID B. HILL SIGNS LEGISLATION CREATING THE NIAGARA RESERVATION, ENSURING THAT NIAGARA FALLS WILL NOT BE DEVOTED SOLELY TO INDUSTRIAL AND COMMERCIAL USE.
The spray starch notwithstanding.
1900: HAWAII BECOMES A TERRITORY OF THE US, WITH SANFORD B. DOLE AS GOVERNOR.
Dole! Ah. I get it now.
1900: CASEY JONES DIES IN A TRAIN WRECK IN MISSISSIPPI, WHILE TRYING TO MAKE UP TIME ON THE CANNONBALL EXPRESS.
Derailed.
1904: THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE EXPOSITION WORLD'S FAIR OPENS IN ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI.
Meet me there, Louie.
1907: HONOLULU, HAWAII BECOMES AN INDEPENDENT CITY.
Aloha.
1908: ACTRESS EVE ARDEN IS BORN.
Our Miss Brooks!
1923: ACTOR AL LEWIS IS BORN.
Grandpa Munster!
1925: AUTOMAKER DODGE BROTHERS IS SOLD TO DILLON, READ AND COMPANY FOR $146 MILLION.
Today, that gets you seven seasons with a good-hitting left fielder.
1926: ACTRESS CLORIS LEACHMAN IS BORN.
Okay, so it's 88 years. I undershot.
1927: DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS AND MARY PICKFORD BECOME THE FIRST CELEBRITIES TO LEAVE THEIR FOOTPRINTS IN CEMENT OUTSIDE GRAUMAN'S CHINESE THEATER.
"Hey, Ethel, Mary Pickford's block is loose."
1933: COUNTRY SINGER WILLIE NELSON IS BORN.
Or found underneath the kitchen stove, more likely.
1938: THE ANIMATED CARTOON SHORT " PORKY'S HARE HUNT" DEBUTS IN MOVIE THEATERS, INTRODUCING HAPPY RABBIT (A PROTOTYPE OF BUGS BUNNY).
Eh, what's up?
1939: THE 1939-40 WORLD'S FAIR OPENS IN FLUSHING, NEW YORK.
That's exciting. I wish somebody would televise that.
1939: NBC INAUGURATES ITS REGULARLY SCHEDULED TELEVISION SERVICE IN NY, BROADCASTING PRESIDENT FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT'S SPEECH OPENING THE WORLD'S FAIR.
I'm guessing most of the day was still test patterns.
1945: ADOLF HITLER AND EVA BRAUN COMMIT SUICIDE AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR ONE DAY.
So that means Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman were technically married longer.
1947: IN NEVADA, THE BOULDER DAM IS RENAMED THE HOOVER DAM A SECOND TIME.
I wonder why this didn't take the first time.
1956: FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND SENATOR ALBEN BARKLEY DIES DURING A SPEECH IN VIRGINIA. HE COLLAPSES AFTER PROCLAIMING "I WOULD RATHER BE A SERVANT IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD THAN SIT IN THE SEATS OF THE MIGHTY."
Now that's an exit line.
1973: US PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON ANNOUNCES THAT TOP WHITE HOUSE AIDES H.R. HALDEMAN, JOHN EHRLICHMAN AND OTHERS HAVE RESIGNED.
Leave your bathroom keys with the girl outside.
1974: ACTRESS AGNES MOOREHEAD DIES.
Endora!
1975: ACTOR JOHNNY GALECKI IS BORN.
I've seen the guy. Incredibly short.
1975: THE FALL OF SAIGON - COMMUNIST FORCES GAIN CONTROL OF SAIGON. THE VIETNAM WAR FORMALLY ENDS.
Well, that was a big waste of time.
1993: TENNIS STAR MONICA SELES IS STABBED DURING A MATCH IN GERMANY.
No love for her.
2007: ACTOR TOM POSTON DIES.
Married to Suzanne Pleshette at the time. Over/under on whether it was due to second-hand smoke.
2009: CHRYSLER FILES FOR CHAPTER 11 BANKRUPTCY.
If you have driven in an American car the last ten years, you will know why the industry fell apart.
Dinner last night: Leftover chicken marsala.
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