313: THE EDICT OF MILAN, SIGNED BY CONSTANTINE THE GREAT AND CO-EMPEROR VALERIUS LICINIUS GRANTING RELIGIOUS FREEDOM THROUGHOUT THE ROMAN EMPIRE, IS POSTED IN NICOMEDIA.
Nicomedia later merged to become Metromedia, owner of WNEW-TV Channel 5 in New York.
839: HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR AND KING OF THE FRANKS CHARLES THE FAT IS BORN.
Charles is the Fat because he ate too many of those Franks.
1373: ANGLO-PORTUGUESE ALLIANCE BETWEEN ENGLAND (SUCCEEDED BY THE UNITED KINGDOM) AND PORTUGAL IS THE OLDEST ALLIANCE IN THE WORLD WHICH IS STILL IN FORCE.
Because there's absolutely nothing worth fighting Portugal over.
1525: MARTIN LUTHER MARRIES KATHARINA VON BORA, AGAINST THE CELIBACY RULE DECREED BY THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH FOR PRIESTS AND NUNS.
Celibacy translated means "no such fun at all."
1625: KING CHARLES I MARRIES HENRIETTA MARIA OF FRANCE, PRINCESS OF FRANCE.
You were expecting her to be the Princess of Belgium???
1774: RHODE ISLAND BECOMES THE FIRST OF BRITAIN'S NORTH AMERICAN COLONIES TO BAN THE IMPORTATION OF SLAVES.
Which means there are a lot of dirty windows in Providence.
1805: LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION. SCOUTING AHEAD OF THE EXPEDITION, MERIWETHER LEWIS AND FOUR COMPANIONS SIGHT THE GREAT FALLS OF THE MISSOURI RIVER.
Meriwether??? Hmmm. Now we know why he and Clark might have been traveling together.
1881: THE USS JEANNETTE IS CRUSHED IN AN ARCTIC OCEAN ICE PACK.
Frosted margaritas, anybody?
1893: GROVER CLEVELAND UNDERGOES SECRET SURGERY TO REMOVE A LARGE, CANCEROUS PORTION OF HIS JAW. THIS OPERATION WAS NOT REVEALED TO THE PUBLIC UNTIL 1917, NINE YEARS AFTER THE PRESIDENT'S DEATH.
In those days, Presidents were never seen on either late night TV or Twitter.
1910: ACTRESS MARY WICKES IS BORN.
She was in an episode of every TV sitcom ever produced.
1926: ACTOR PAUL LYNDE IS BORN.
I met him. I interviewed him. I imitated him. In retrospect, what the hell was I thinking???
1927: AVIATOR CHARLES LINDBERGH RECEIVES A TICKER-TAPE PARADE IN NEW YORK CITY.
Meanwhile, this guy was one of the biggest Nazi sympathizers in the country.
1934: ADOLF HITLER AND BENITO MUSSOLINI MEET IN VENICE, ITALY.
They just met for coffee after hooking up on fascistmatch.com.
1951: ACTOR RICHARD THOMAS IS BORN.
Good morning, John-Boy.
1966: THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT RULES IN MIRANDA VS. ARIZONA THAT THE POLICE MUST INFORM SUSPECTS OF THEIR RIGHTS BEFORE QUESTIONING THEM.
Well, that takes all the fun out of being a cop.
1967: US PRESIDENT LYNDON B. JOHNSON NOMINATES THURGOOD MARSHALL TO BECOME THE FIRST BLACK JUSTICE ON THE US SUPREME COURT.
With that black robe on, he better smile in a dark room.
1970: "THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD" BECOMES THE BEATLES' LAST NUMBER 1 SONG.
An annoying ditty that I hate to this very day.
1977: CONVICTED MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. ASSASSIN JAMES EARL RAY IS RECAPTURED AFTER ESCAPING FROM PRISON THREE DAYS BEFORE.
Well, he certainly didn't get far.
1977: ACTOR MATTHEW GARBER DIES.
He was one of the little kids in Mary Poppins. Well, he certainly didn't get very far either.
1979: LITTLE RASCAL DARLA HOOD DIES.
Hood-winked.
1981: A TEENAGER FIRES SIX BLANK SHOTS AT QUEEN ELIZABETH II.
She used her pocketbook as a shield.
1986: ASHLEY AND MARY-KATE OLSEN ARE BORN.
Well, now that's a full house.
1986: MUSICIAN BENNY GOODMAN DIES.
The King is no longer in the swing.
1987: ACTRESS GERALDINE PAGE DIES.
She won an Oscar in 1986 and died a year later. She certainly didn't get very far either.
1989: TV PERSONALITY FRAN ALLISON DIES.
Kukla, Fran, and Corpse.
1993: ASTRONAUT DEKE SLAYTON DIES.
Mission aborted.
1994: A JURY IN ANCHORAGE, ALASKA, BLAMES RECKLESSNESS BY EXXON AND CAPTAIN JOSEPH HAZELWOOD FOR THE EXXON VALDEZ DISASTER, ALLOWING VICTIMS OF THE OIL SPILL TO SEEK $15 BILLION IN DAMAGES.
With today's gas prices, Exxon's getting the money back.
1997: A JURY SENTENCES TIMOTHY MC VEIGH TO DEATH FOR HIS PART IN THE 1995 OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBING.
An honor well deserved.
2005: A JURY IN SANTA MARIA, CALIFORNIA, ACQUITS POP SINGER MICHAEL JACKSON OF MOLESTING A 13 -YEAR-OLD.
Once again, if you're black and on trial in California, you get off scott free.
2008: JOURNALIST TIM RUSSERT DIES.
I was on a plane to NY when this happened. Several NBC News folks were on board. They were all in tears. Tim might have been the last decent journalist to be employed at this disaster of a news organization.
2010: COUNTRY SINGER JIMMY DEAN DIES.
Damn those sausages.
Dinner last night: Lasagna.
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