390 BC: A ROMAN ARMY IS DEFEATED BY RAIDING GAULS, LEADING TO THE SUBSEQUENT SACKING OF ROME.
Some Gauls have all the gall.
362: EMPEROR JULIAN ARRIVES AT ANTIOCH WITH A ROMAN FORCE OF 60,000 MEN AND STAYS THERE FOR NINE MONTHS.
An influx of 60,000 men. I hope there were more than 10 prostitutes in town.
1290: KING EDWARD I OF ENGLAND ISSUES THE EDICT OF EXPULSION, BANISHING ALL JEWS FROM ENGLAND.
Just in case you thought Hitler was the one who started it all.
1334: THE BISHOP OF FLORENCE BLESSES THE FIRST FOUNDATION STONE FOR THE NEW BELL TOWER OF THE FLORENCE CATHEDRAL.
In a later trip, Norman Lear later named the character of a maid after the same bell tower.
1555: THE COLLEGE OF ARMS WAS REINCORPORATED BY A ROYAL CHARTER SIGNED BY QUEEN MARY I OF ENGLAND AND KING PHILIP II OF SPAIN.
The College of Legs was later started by a decree issued by Jane Russell and Betty Grable.
1792: NAVAL COMMANDER JOHN PAUL JONES DIES.
He never lived to know that they would name one-half of a musical group after him.
1862: THE FIRST ASCENT OF DENT BLANCHE, ONE OF THE HIGHEST SUMMITS IN THE ALPS.
Somebody tried to make a dent. Oh, don't groan. You try to do this every Wednesday.
1870: THE FIRST VATICAN COUNCIL DECREES THE DOGMA OF PAPAL INFALLIBILITY.
Infallible? Anybody talk to the altar boys?
1903: ACTOR CHILL WILLS IS BORN.
Who names their kid after a word you would find on a weather map?
1909: ACTRESS HARRIET NELSON IS BORN.
The most famous womb in television history.
1911: ACTOR HUME CRONYN IS BORN.
Who names their kid after....er, what the hell is a "hume" again?
1913: COMEDIAN RED SKELTON IS BORN.
"Two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff...."
1925: ADOLF HITLER PUBLISHES HIS MANIFEST "MEIN KAMPF."
Just wait for the paperback.
1940: ACTOR JAMES BROLIN IS BORN.
You just look at him and you know he's a box of rocks.
1940: BASEBALL PLAYER AND MANAGER JOE TORRE IS BORN.
The best description I ever heard of an ugly girl? "She looks like Joe Torre with tits."
1941: SINGER MARTHA REEVES IS BORN.
Bring on those Vandellas.
1944: HIDEKI TOJO RESIGNS AS PRIME MINISTER OF JAPAN.
Sayonara. Rat bastard.
1955: DISNEYLAND OFFICIALLY OPENS TO THE PUBLIC.
Several were still waiting on-line the next day.
1961: ACTRESS ELIZABETH MCGOVERN IS BORN.
I cannot wait for the "Downton Abbey" movie!
1968: THE INTEL CORPORATION IS FOUNDED IN SANTA CLARA, CALIFORNIA.
The birth of the chiphead.
1969: AFTER A PARTY ON CHAPPAQUIDDICK, SENATOR TED KENNEDY DRIVES AN OLDSMOBILE OFF A BRIDGE.
And just who was the designated driver on duty this night?
1969: MARY JO KOPECHNE DIES IN SAID OLDSMOBILE.
The fact that this fat bastard got away with this and was re-elected to the Senate for years and years later is one of the biggest injustices in American History.
1976: NADIA COMANECI BECAME THE FIRST PERSON IN OLYMPIC HISTORY TO SCORE A PERFECT 10 IN GYMNASTICS.
Bo Derek will tell you that there are no perfect 10s.
1984: IN A SAN YSIDRO, CALIFORNIA MCDONALDS, A SNIPER OPENS FIRE, KILLING 21 PEOPLE AND INJURING 19 OTHERS.
Michelle Obama was right. Fast food kills you.
1989: BASEBALL PLAYER DONNIE MOORE DIES.
Suicide. Because he gave up a homerun in the 1986 playoffs. If he had been managed by Joe Torre earlier in his career, his arm would have been injured and he might be still alive today.
1989: ACTRESS REBECCA SCHAEFFER DIES.
My Sister Sam. Killed by a jealous guy. O.J., your alibi is???
1990: COMEDIAN JOHNNY WAYNE DIES.
And Schuster weeps.
1995: ON THE ISLAND OF MONTSERRAT, THE SOUFRIERE HILLS VOLCANO ERUPTS AND DESTROYS THE ISLAND.
Just in case you had vacation plans in 1996....
2005: GENERAL WILLIAM WESTMORELAND DIES.
Cue the rider-less horse.
2013: THE CITY OF DETROIT FILES FOR BANKRUPTCY.
Does anybody still live there?
Dinner last night: Salad.
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