Your Weekend Movie Guide for February 2021

 

Well, there is none.   And I will not reinstate this monthly feature until movie theaters are reopened in New York and Los Angeles.

So, in the meanwhile, I go back in time and run a Weekend Movie Guide of the past.   This one features what was polluting our theaters ten years ago.   Back when we had even more theaters to visit.

The theater above is the National in Westwood.  Not too long ago, that was the area in Los Angeles where you could find four or five grand "single screen" movie houses.  This one went up in the 60s and looked very much like that decades.  But, the auditorium was huge and wonderful.  Luckily, I got to enjoy it a bit after I moved here.  On its site now is some pricey rental apartments and stores.    As if we needed more of those.

You may remember the drill.  I'll troll the movie pages of the Los Angeles Times and give you my knee-jerk reactions to the crap being thrown up on screens this weekend.

Black Swan:  Still haven't bothered to see this Oscar nominee.  Amongst my friends, I have a wildly swinging pendulum of opinions.  The bottom line: everybody under 30 loves it and everybody over 30 hates it.  Guess where I'm likely to land.

The King's Speech:  I'm rooting hard for this one to win Best Picture.  The best movie last year hands down.  And, yes, that includes the overhyped pool of sick otherwise known as Inception.

Big Mommas - Like Father, Like Son:  Some folks are bitching that there are no Black Oscar nominees this year.  Well, for the defense, I offer Exhibit A.  Because most movies featuring Black characters are as stupid as this.

Unknown:  Liam Neeson stars as a doctor who awakens after a car accident only to discover that another man has assumed his identity.  I've seen the trailer and I wonder if it was a little creepy for Neeson to play scenes in a coma so soon if his wife died so tragically from a head injury.  Meanwhile, wasn't this plot done like a million times by Alfred Hitchcock?

Carbon Nation:  A documentary about climate change.  More dribble about that oh, so horrible carbon dioxide which plants desperately need to exist.  You want to throw something into the recycle bin, you environmental lunatics?  How about this movie?

Vidal Sassoon - The Movie:  Traces the hairstylists' path from a London orphanage to celebrity.  Ooh, la, la, Sassoon.  Does he meet the Artful Dodger along the way?

The Last Lions:  Documentary follows an African lioness that has been ostracized by the ruling pride and left alone with three small cubs.  Okay, am I one of the only people who hates the glorification of wild animals???  The operative word there is "wild."  They have two functions in life.  To kill something for food and then shit it out.  The main reason why I hated Disney's "The Lion King."  Enough already, please.  Steve Irwin is dead for a very good reason.

The Chaperone:  A getaway driver newly released from prison is tempted by one last big score.  Starring somebody named Triple H and I'm proud of the fact that I have no idea who the hell he is.

I Am Number Four:  An alien fugitive on the run from intergalactic killers tries to fit in as the new kid in smalltown Ohio.  Big deal.  I live in Los Angeles and I'm surrounded by alien fugitives.  Intergalactic killers?  Not so much.

Immigration Tango:  A Russian immigrant and her Colombian boyfriend switch partners with an American couple in order to stay in the United States.  One of the biggest problems our country faces is played for sheer laughs.  I'd change the title to "Immigration Hustle."

Just Go With It:  Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston in a new dreary romcom.  Aniston and I just shared the same birth date.  That's my way of saying that I have nothing else to write about this junk.

Cedar Rapids:  The trailer for this buddy comedy looked horrible, but blogger Ken Levine wrote a glowing review, so I might sample it at some point.

Blue Valentine:  A snapshot of a rotten marriage.  I have many more in storage.  It's called a family album.  A tough way to spend two hours.

Winter's Bone:  Hillbilly angst that I Netflixed because of the Oscar buzz.  It got some nominations and I need rationale, please.  Academy members, e-mail me.  Sittin' in my rocker on the porch with my bottle of corn squeezins, I think this movie sucked.

True Grit:  Marvelous performances all around.  A remake that was worth making and that rarely can be said.

127 Hours:  I still haven't gotten around to this Oscar nominee.  Depictions of severed arms will do that to a person.

Kaboom:  Kerplunk.

Barney's Version:  Oy.  Jewish middle-aged angst overplayed by Paul Giamatti.  Another tough way to spend two hours.  And, to think that I thought this had something to do with the Flintstones.

The Company Men:  Ben Affleck stars and that's good enough reason for me to stay home.

The Eagle:  Has landed.  With a thud.

Justin Bieber - Never Say Never:  Sorry.  I have to.  Never.  The only people in the audience will be twelve-year-old girls and forty-year-old pedophiles.

Gnomeo and Juliet:  Gno way.

No Strings Attached:  Howard Stern has been pushing this Ashton Kutcher-Natalie Portman romantic comedy.  Howard, I love ya, but...

Sanctum:  What the submarine captain said he did to that German destroyer.  Yeah, that's the best I got.

The Rite:  Another horror movie with Anthony Hopkins, who now makes at least two movies a week.  None of them any good.

The Roommate:  College student Sara finds that her new roommate Rebecca has an obsession with her, which quickly turns violent.   If this is passing as entertainment, wait till I start writing about the folks I roomed with in college.

The Fighter:  Rocky Goes to Boston.  Overdone, overripe, and I was over it after the first 45 minutes.

Rabbit Hole:  Unless I see the Warner Brothers Looney Tunes logo at the beginning, I'm not going.

Biutiful:  Javier Bardem's Oscar-nominated turn as a dying homeless guy who also has no access to Spellcheck.

Dinner last night:   Wonderful birthday dinner of skirt steak at Jar.