Monday Morning Video Laugh - December 23, 2024

 My favorite holiday blog post...back again.

Dinner last night:  Pork chop at Vespaio.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - The Annual Christmas Song Diatribe

 

Okay, folks.  This is one of those Christmas pieces that you have seen before.   But you've also seen "Charlie Brown Christmas" and "It's A Wonderful Life" dozens of times.  If you can do that, you certainly can read some comedy blog entries more than once.   And this is now a holiday tradition for me on this blog, so I have compiled several years worth of these snarky comments.  You should read through it, because there is some new stuff peppered in.
  

I'm talking about those wonderfully bad Christmas songs you can't avoid at this time of year, or really after Labor Day for that matter. 

There's always some radio station playing nothing but one Christmas song after another. Some are terrific and I could listen to them over and over. And, yet, there are others that should come around just once a year and that's it. And, when you listen to some of the asinine lyrics (and subtext), your mind wanders...

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: So, you know that, on the first unfoggy Christmas Eve, Rudolph was downsized right out on his sorry ass.  Technically, with the power he wields, Santa Claus is clearly part of the evil 1%.  Or maybe he brings in newer and younger reindeer.  From Mumbai.   I recently heard a version of this done by Dean Martin. In German. I'm wondering what bottles were finished off in the recording studio that night. Meanwhile, remember that stupid little Rudolph didn't even exist until the Montgomery Ward store invented him in 1939!

Santa Baby: Every female singer in the world has attempted this ditty. But, only the ultra slutty Eartha Kitt does it justice. Meanwhile, is that one golddigging whore or what? Honey, I'd get you some nice Christmas earrings but your ankles would probably knock them off.  Let's all be thankful that some Real Housewife hasn't tackled this mess...yet.  Meanwhile, poor Eartha Kitt actually died on Christmas Day several years.   This should prompted some updated lyrics.

"Santa baby, there's a question.  I have to ask it.

I think next year, I'm gonna need a casket." 

Frosty the Snowman: A wonderful Christmas memory for children. A friend whose shelf life is maybe three weeks tops.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town: This song suggests the onset of more psychological problems. "You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why." So, some poor kid grows up afraid to show one single emotion. No wonder we wind up with Columbine. Can you imagine some innocent 8 year-old boy? "My grandpa died last night, but I can't cry about it because then Santa Claus won't come." I do, however, have a fantasy rendition of this. I would have loved to hear it sung by Joan Crawford.

Same song as above sung by Bruce Springsteen:  Okay, I have an announcement.  I have never been a big fan of the Boss.  Totally overrated and a virtual fraud as a human being.  He's a tax cheat and doesn't back up his political viewpoints with his own actions.  That aside, this record sounds like it was recorded in Bruce's basement and I can't stand the laughing and mugging done by him and that dead fat bastard Clarence Clemons.  Oh, how did you handle your five wives at Christmas time, Clarence?

The Little Drummer Boy:  "The ox and lamb kept time.  Pa rum pum pum pum."  Wow, that's impressive.  Sign them up for Letterman's Stupid Pet Tricks.  I hate this song, but my mother bought the 45 rpm record when it first came out.  She played it over and over and over and over.  Pa rum pum pum pum pa rum pum pum pum pa rum pum pum pum pa rum pum pum.

Deck the Halls:  "Don we now our gay apparel."  Only valid for singing in certain states.

The First Noel:  Noel?  Either a Christmas carol or a Chicago lamentation about a transit strike.

Baby, It's Cold Outside:  Every screwball pairing has attempted a version of this song, which was originally in the movie "Neptune's Daughter" as sung by Red Skelton and Betty Garrett.  When are Barack and Michelle going to put out their version?  They have only two years left.  Meanwhile, the best rendition I've ever heard was done by Pearl Bailey and somebody named Hot Lips Pages.  They ad lib dialogue throughout it and the record is hilarious.

Winter Wonderland: The lyrics from the fifth grade always stick in my head. "Walking around in women's underwear."  Except I am now aware that somebody actually put lyrics to the whole song. 

Lacey things, the wife is missing. Didn't ask for her permission.

I'm wearing her clothes, her silk panty hose.
Walking around in women's underwear.

In the store, there's a teddy.  With little straps, like spaghetti.
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night.
Walking around in womens underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin.
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say "Are you ready?"
I'll say, "Woah man! Let's wait untill the wife is out of town."

Later on, if you wanna, we can dress like Madonna.
Put on some eye shade, and join the parade.
Walking around in women's underwear.

The Christmas Song: Same thing. The fifth grade version. "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire."  Mel Torme had a big hit with this.  He was a known dirtbag in Hollywood.  I hate him.  I hate the song.

Last Christmas: First done by George Michael and Wham in 1984. Think about the song's refrain. "Last Christmas. I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears. I'll give it to someone special." How warm and special does that make you feel? This is the first ever Christmas FU song.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: Underneath the Christmas tree last night. Does Little Sally question this behavior? Probably not, because she's already seen Mommy kissing the cable guy, the mailman, "Uncle" Phil, and her "best friend" Muriel.  Wait till little Rufus does a DNA test on himself and discovers that Santa is his baby daddy.

We Three Kings of Orient are:  Since not everybody digs myrrh, I hope they bring gift receipts.

Do You Hear What I Hear by Whitney Houston:  Oh, boy, Whitney, I hope not.

Sleigh Ride by Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme:  Now that says Christmas to me.  Holiday tunes sung by two Sephardic Jews.   Eydie left us last year and I am still inexplicably wistful when I heard this tune.  Blame it on the Bossa Nova.

Oh, Come, All Ye Faithful: Now, why the call for the faithful, joyous, and triumphant to come forward? These folks have already bought in. It should be "Oh, Come, All Ye Despondent, Broken, and Agnostic." No wonder less people are going to worship these days. They're been literally preaching to the choir.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: This is indeed my favorite "modern" Christmas song. I love Judy Garland's version first introduced in "Meet Me in St. Louis." And, Michele Lee did a tremendous job with the song in a 1990 episode of "Knots Landing." But, the rendition that always makes me sad is Karen Carpenter's. A voice lost too, too soon. And hearing her always makes me want to reach for a snack.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: Another absolute knee slapper from the morons who live in red-colored states. Guffaw, guffaw. If I laugh anymore, my wooden teeth will fall out. Only some jerk in Arkansas would enjoy this despicable mess. Meanwhile, Grandma has no idea how lucky she has it. Ending a life of Midwestern misery after being a head model for one of Blitzen's hoof prints.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow:  A big hit with NYC Department of Sanitation who's always looking for overtime.

Silver Bells:  We did a version of this when I was a kid.  "Silver bells, Santa smells, and Easter's on its way."

Here Comes Santa Claus Right Down Santa Claus Lane:  Because the song doesn't really work if Santa's coming down the Belt Parkway.

Holly Jolly Christmas:  Rhetorical question---is holly a noun or an adjective?  From this song, I can't really tell.  Another annoying ditty by Burl Ives, who worked just one month a year.  Yes, I know he was a respected actor and Oscar winner, but nobody really paid attention except for when he showed up with these annoying Christmas records.

Feliz Navidad: The annual reminder that Jose Feliciano once had a career. Gee, Jose, don't the lights on the tree look wonderful? Oh, never mind.

The Chipmunk Song: I can hear this once a year and no more. I remember this being played constantly when I was a kid. Not only did it sell tons of records, but it also probably drove up the sales of helium tanks.

Happy Christmas by John Lennon and Yoko Oh No:  A new candidate for most annoying and overplayed song.  That whispering to the kids at the beginning literally creates cavities in my teeth.  My finger can't get to the pre-set dial fast enough.  If John Lennon had not been shot in December and so close to the holidays, this record would have been in a dumpster behind the Dakota years ago.  I wish we could redo it a bit so one of the whispers you hear at the end is "can I have your autograph?"

Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus:  This apparently was a big hit in 1958, but I never heard the song until I moved to California.  And with good reason, because it's straight from below the border.  Mamacita, there's a border??  What the hell-o is that-o?  Check out the lyrics that essentially turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.

Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?  Donde esta Santa Claus?
And the toys that he will leave.
Mamacita, oh, where is Santa Claus?
I look for him because it's Christmas Eve.

I know that I should be sleeping,
But maybe he's not far away,
Out of the window I'm peeping,
Hoping to see him in his sleigh.

I hope he won't forget to clack his castinet,
And to his reindeer, say,
"Oh Pancho, Oh! Vixen, Oh! Pedro, Oh! Blitzen,"
Ole! Ole! Ole! cha cha cha.

Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?
Oh! Where is Santa Claus?

Okay, where the heck do I start?  Santa clicking a castanet?  Changing the names of the reindeer?  Meanwhile, Santa Claus better be one smart cookie to know that the Perez household needs more presents than might have been reported in that letter to the North Pole.  You see, there's a whole family of cousins, aunts, and uncles living in the basement that nobody knows about.  And, if you're really looking for Santa Claus, little Mexican kid, you might want to look in the car trunk.  No, wait, the President just said it's okay for you to come out of hiding.  Ole!

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams:  Yeah, this fun song is a hard listen now that Andy's gone.  I have a friend out in LA who once went out caroling with him.  How freakin' cool is that?

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas:  A huge hit in 1953 and, given it was the Eisenhower administration, I will just assume most people were asleep at the time.  Some annoying ten-year-old urchin named Gayla Peevey sings it and she wants a big, smelly animal under her tree Christmas morning.  I guess her drunken uncle isn't the answer.  Authorities always tell us to avoid giving puppies as Christmas presents since people don't realize that the dog is probably shitting all over the house on December 26.  I guess the same goes for bigger animals.  Are there a lot of returns to a hippopotamus pound?

The Christmas Shoes:  Hands down, the worst Christmas song ever! As somebody who has actually spent two different Christmases watching my parents' ultimately fatal illnesses play out against a backdrop of merriment, why would you want to infuse a joyful holiday with such incredible sadness? But, that's just what the song "The Christmas Shoes" does.

This piece of dreck has been around for about 10 years, and allegedly was a big hit on the country charts when it first came out. It's all about some poor little boy who wants to buy some new shoes on Christmas Eve because his mom is on her deathbed. There's no Christmas miracle at the end of the song. I'm guessing Mommy checks out as predicted. Off to meet Jesus wearing some Payless specials. And this little boy's left alone. Merry F-ing Christmas!

I am sure many, many people are forced to endure such sorrow every year around this time. I certainly had my share. I once spent a Christmas Day shuttling between two different hospitals visiting my father and my mother. But, like we all must do, I tried to move forward. Yet, every damn Christmas, this song gets played as a constant reminder. Can we at least appreciate joy for one single moment without thinking about dire consequences? The writers of this disaster should go off to meet Jesus themselves. Real soon.

Do They Know It's Christmas:  That horrible Band-Aid song from 1984 which supposedly donated all profits to curbing famine in Ethiopia.  The tune has the reverse effect on me whenever it comes on the radio.  I stick my fingers down my throat and puke up everything I ate for dinner last night.  A group of new British rock singers just did a new version of the song with lyrics tied to fighting the Ebola virus.  Meanwhile, more people will likely die from the flu this winter.

Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses:  Folks, for me, the most infectious Christmas song is this one.  It just makes me bounce up and down.  It's actually ideal as background for cutting off a driver in a mall parking lot as you fight for that last space.   Or when you still have one present to wrap and you just hit the end of Scotch Tape roll.  Whatever the case, listen in and enjoy.



Dinner last night:  Christmas tamales at the home of good friends Leo and Connie.

Classic TV Theme Song of the Month - December 2024

Not exactly a theme song but you get the snow drift. 

Dinner last night:  Leftover pizza.                       

An Incarcerated Christmas

 

 We had a feeling you weren't.

 The reason Mrs. Claus is sporting some bruises.

 Santa Claus embalmed.

 Hey, little girl, wanna sit on my lap?

 No kidding.

 The head elf.

 Some people just can't see straight during the holidays.

 We Three Kings of Orient...

 North Pole, Cell Block D

 Which one of you reindeer peed on my boot?

A shepherd who kept his flock by night.

Dinner last night:  Pepperoni pizza.

Please Cancel These Vistaprint Accounts

 

Must be a photo from England.  Obviously, it's Boxing Day.

Happy Holidays from Lenscrafters!

Bad wallpaper doesn't necessarily translate to bad pajamas.

I'd like to return them, please.

Santa's planning a home invasion robbery.

She's outsourced her husband.

Obviously, there was nothing he really wanted.

The dog is the brightest thing in this picture.

The Birth of Chucky...and Christmas.

If somebody was in need of one of those Christmas shavers from Norelco...

Dinner last night:  BLT at Cafe 50s.

This Date in History - December 18

 

Happy birthday to Steven Spielberg.  It might not be Schindler's, but you're on our list today.

218 BC:  HANNIBAL'S CARTHAGINIAN FORCES DEFEAT THOSE OF THE ROMAN REPUBLIC DURING THE SECOND PUNIC WAR.

I totally slept through the first one.

1271:  KUBLAI KHAN RENAMES HIS EMPIRE "YUAN."  

Yawn.

1642:  ABEL TASMAN BECOMES THE FIRST EUROPEAN TO LAND IN NEW ZEALAND.

On purpose?

1655:  THE WHITEHALL CONFERENCE ENDS WITH THE DETERMINATION THAT THERE WAS NO LAW PREVENTING JEWS FROM RE-ENTERING ENGLAND AFTER THE EDICT OF EXPULSION OF 1290.

Our birthday boy today would be proud.

1777:  THE UNITED STATES CELEBRATES ITS FIRST THANKSGIVING, MARKING THE RECENT VICTORY BY THE AMERICANS OVER BRITISH GENERAL JOHN BURGOYNE IN OCTOBER.

In December?   A little cold to blow up those helium balloons, I think.

1787:  NEW JERSEY BECOMES THE THIRD STATE TO RATIFY THE US CONSTITUTION.

Ah, the Constitution.  Remember that?

1878:  JOHN KEHOE, THE LAST OF THE MOLLY MAGUIRES, IS EXECUTED IN PENNSYLVANIA.

The Molly Maguires?  Didn't they sing in Vegas?

1878:  RUSSIAN LEADER JOSEPH STALIN IS BORN.

You can still visit his entombed body.  Creepy.

1886:  BASEBALL STAR TY COBB IS BORN.

And immediately went 3 for 4.

1892:  THE PREMIERE PERFORMANCE OF THE NUTCRACKER IN RUSSIA.

Just in time for the holidays.  What a genius move.

1916:  DURING WORLD WAR I, THE BATTLE OF VERDUN ENDS WHEN GERMAN FORCES UNDER CHIEF OF STAFF ERICH VON FALKENHAYN ARE DEFEATED BY THE FRENCH.

The French won???  Really????

1916:  ACTRESS BETTY GRABLE IS BORN.

Nice set of pins on her.

1917:  ACTOR OSSIE DAVIS IS BORN.

If he had hooked up with Harriet Tubman, we would have had one hell of a sitcom.

1917:  THE RESOLUTION CONTAINING THE LANGUAGE OF THE 18TH AMENDMENT TO ENACT PROHIBITION IS PASSED BY THE US CONGRESS.

Talk about a buzzkill.

1932:  THE CHICAGO BEARS DEFEAT THE PORTSMOUTH SPARTANS 9-0 IN THE FIRST EVER NFL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.  BECAUSE OF A BLIZZARD, THE GAME IS MOVED FROM WRIGLEY FIELD TO CHICAGO STADIUM.

Because there was no blizzard five miles away????

1943:  ROCK STAR KEITH RICHARDS IS BORN.

Starting to gather some moss.

1944:  DURING WORLD WAR II, THE US AIR FORCES BOMBS HANKOW, CHINA, WHICH IS A JAPANESE SUPPLY BASE.

Holy hankow.

1946:  DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG IS BORN.

We're gonna need a bigger crib.

1956:  JAPAN JOINS THE UNITED NATIONS.

Oh, sure.  Now you want to play nice.

1963:  ACTOR BRAD PITT IS BORN.

A reminder to send birthday greetings to a good friend of mine who grew up with Brad and shared the same birthday party in grade school.

1971:  GOLFER BOBBY JONES DIES.

Yeah, but somehow he ended up pitching for the Mets thirty years later.

1972:  PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON ANNOUNCES THAT THE US WILL ENGAGE NORTH VIETNAM IN A SERIES OF CHRISTMAS BOMBINGS AFTER PEACE TALKS COLLAPSE.

That ain't Santa Claus up on your roof.

1973:  THE ISLAMIC DEVELOPMENT BANK IS FOUNDED.

No interest.

1978:  DOMINICA JOINS THE UNITED NATIONS.

Is this a country or a stripper?

1997:  HTML 4.0 IS PUBLISHED.

RFLMAO.

1997:  ACTOR CHRIS FARLEY DIES.

What a waste.

2002:  THEN GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIAN GRAY DAVIS ANNOUNCES THAT THE STATE BUDGET DEFICIT WILL BE TWICE WHAT HE PREDICTED.

Here comes Arnold.

2006:  UNITED ARAB EMIRATES HOLDS ITS FIRST-EVER ELECTIONS.

That explains the gunshots.

2006:  ANIMATOR JOSEPH BARBERA DIES.

Wilma!!!!

2007:  TV HOST JACK LINKLETTER DIES.  

His dad Art outlived him by three years.

2014:  ACTRESS VIRNA LISI DIES.

Lots of happy guys in Heaven on this day.

2016:  ACTRESS ZSA ZSA GABOR DIES.

At the age of 208.

Dinner last night:    Hot fog at the movies.

Merry Christmas from Madison Avenue

 

Remember to leave Santa cookies, milk, and an ashtray.

Gee, it's not even electric.

Think mistletoe, not melanoma.

Screw the milk, kid.

Lee Harvey Oswald shopped here.  Shouldn't you?

Two packs a day?  You won't be lucky at all.

 Damn, I had one of these.

Merry Christmas, Mommie Dearest.

I was thinking of you, Fatso.

Now this looks like Christmas at my house.

And these special Christmas cartons were a big hit with my mom.

 "You want me to cook you what???!"

Dinner last week:  Leftover chili.

Monday Morning Video Laugh - December 16, 2024

Got your tree up yet? 

Dinner last night:  Beef chili.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - Christmas Movie 101

 

It's back.   My annual holiday service to you.   And don't we all need a break today with Christmas upon us?  Let Hollywood relax you.  Maybe the weather outside is frightful.  Or you're wrapping presents.  Baking cookies.  You might want to multi-task by watching one of these movie suggestions.  They're all available on DVD.  And Turner Classic Movies shows several of them every year. 

These are my 10 must-watch movies for every Christmas.  And please note that "Miracle on 34th Street,"  "It's A Wonderful Life," and "A Christmas Story" are not included.  Don't get me wrong.  They are all terrific films, but played to death everywhere but in my house.  And there are some other gems that don't make my list.  For instance, I did watch "Die Hard" a few nights ago and, yes, Virginia, that is a Christmas flick.  But consider the ones below.  These movies all have personal connections to me in some shape or form.  So, if you disagree, I hope there's some coal mixed in with your buttered popcorn.

1.  I saw "Meet Me in St. Louis" in a theater for the very first time three years ago.  They dragged out co-star June Lockhart for a post-film question-and-answer.  Ironically, most of the people were there to ask her all about the TV show "Lost in Space."  Hell, I want to know what Angela Cartwright is doing myself.  

None of that has anything to do with how wonderful a holiday treat this movie is.  Truth be told, Christmas only makes up one-quarter of the movie as it follows the Smith family through one whole year prior to the opening of the St. Louis World Fair in 1904.  Each portion is devoted to a calendar season and Christmas dominates the winter as it should.  

The scene where a dateless Judy Garland has to dance with her grandfather at the big Christmas Eve ball is priceless.  He twirls her around the Christmas tree and she magically reappears with her beau who was late in arriving.  One of those very simple cinematic moments that only director Vincente Minnelli could turn into pure gold.  

Of course, this is the film that sports my very favorite Christmas song..."Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas."   If you've heard countless versions of this ditty, you need to listen to the very best rendition by Miss Garland.

I remember watching "Meet Me in St. Louis" with my mom when I was about seven or eight.  In the middle of it all, she blurts out "if you had been a girl, I was going to name you Judy."

Okay.   So, there's that. 

2.  This is a mid-40s classic from the Warner Brothers back lot. In fact, they don't even get off a soundstage. For a movie from that era, it is still surprisingly modern. Because star Barbara Stanwyck plays a character very similar to Martha Stewart. A magazine writer who specializes in being an expert on hearth and home. And supposedly the greatest cook on the planet.

Her publisher hits on a publicity stunt where Stanwyck will provide a home-cooked Christmas meal for an injured soldier. Except nobody knows the woman can't cook and hasn't got one single domestic talent. The plot spins out into several directions from there, but it is all delicious screwball-y fun. And any movie that features S.Z "Cuddles" Sakall is okay in my book. This is a perfect film to watch while wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve day.  Or if you're finished off a quart of egg nog.   With popularity of the Food Network, this movie should be remade.   I want to work on that script now.

3.  This is technically not a Christmas movie, but it should be, since all the action happens around the holidays. This 1941 movie is another one that never leaves a Warner Brothers soundstage, but it really doesn't have to. You may know that this was originally a big hit on Broadway as written by Moss Hart and George S. Kaufman. And two members of that cast, Monty Wooley and Mary Wickes, reprise their roles in the movie, which features the most razor sharp dialogue ever captured on celluloid. 

There's not one unclever moment in the entire six reels. Who can't identify with the holiday guest who just won't leave? In this case, it's renowed critic and lecturer Sheridan Whiteside, who sprains his ankle and then sets up camp in somebody else's house for the holidays. As portrayed by Wooley, Whiteside is loosely based on Alexander Woolcott and he has one great barb after another. He's described this way: "He would have his mother burned at the stake if that was the only way he could light his cigarette." I wish people talked like these characters in real life. 

When Whiteside's nurse (Mary Wickes) forbids him from eating some candy, he retorts, "My great Aunt Jennifer ate a box of candy every day of her life. She lived to be one hundred and two, and when she had been dead for three days, she looked better than you do now." If that's not enough, throw in the fact that this is the only movie in history that co-starred Bette Davis and Jimmy Durante! Grab a box of your own candy and savor this great Christmas treat.

4.  Yeah, yeah, I know.   An obvious choice.  And, gee, Len, isn't this movie shown to death already?  Sadly, "White Christmas" is starting to fall in that category---the Christmas movie that is starting to look like your tree on January 15.  Dried out and ready for the dumpster.  You can thank some cable networks like the woefully annoying AMC for playing it over and over and over.  

Gee, thanks, idiots.  Because you're destroying another movie that landed on the list of my Top 25 Favorite Films of All Time at slot #23.  Sure, after repeated viewings, this film starts to look like "Off White Christmas."  But, miraculously, recent digital restorations have made this look glorious all over again.  All of a sudden, it's the hot and in thing to run this movie in theaters.   Try to see it on the big screen if you can.  TCM did that a few weeks back with one of their Fathom Events.  But if you can't experience it on a large screen, the Blu Ray edition will do.  I'd be happy to loan you mine.

Right from the moment that Paramount's Vistavision logo exploded onto the screen to the last frames of the movie when the Pine Tree Lodge is celebrating a snowy Christmas Eve, I was moved to tears all over again.  Just like the very first time I saw it about 28 years ago.  When I was having a pretty crappy holiday and this boosted my spirits like a Vitamin B-12 injection. 

I had both my parents housed in separate hospitals with illnesses. Unfortunately, my dad was in the final stages of his cancer and this year would be his last Christmas. My mom was sequestered elsewhere dealing with one more smoke-provoked bronchial episode. I spent the holiday season shuttling between semi-private rooms located on opposite ends of Westchester. And I felt incredibly alone.

"White Christmas" gave me a little bit of hope and brightness for some darker days that would come. And it still shines for me every year.  Plus it's my second "must watch" holiday film featuring Mary Wickes.

5.  Yeah, yeah, you've never heard of it.  I did list it as #25 on my list of Top 25 Favorite Films of All Time, but perhaps you missed that entry.  And you say it's not a Christmas movie??

Oh, pish and tosh.  The film opens and ends on Christmas day one year later.  Good enough for me.  And it embodies everything that Christmas is all about.

"Since You Went Away" came out in 1944 and it is 100% devoted to the homefront during WWII. For what "Mrs. Miniver" and "Hope and Glory" did for the London bombings (and I have a good friend who lived through that), "Since You Went Away" wonderfully depicts life in the United States when most men were overseas someplace and completely out of touch with their family and loved ones. David O. Selznick produced it and hoped to do for World War II what his earlier effort "Gone With the Wind" did for the Civil War. Yes, it's almost three hours long, but it sails by and, for me, is a big screen version of the best macaroni and cheese you can ever eat.

Claudette Colbert plays the mother of Jennifer Jones and Shirley Temple (here, she's a teenager and Bill Robinson-less). The family is semi-well-to-do and lives in Everytown, USA. Hattie McDaniel, who was obviously highlighted in Selznick's phone book for all servant roles, is their housekeeper and there is not a single stereotypical note to her performance. You never see the father as he has just left for active duty on Christmas Eve as the film opens. What follows is a year in the life of the Hilton family with Dad gone.

You visit USO dances. You experience food rationing and scrap metal drives. You watch as neighbors lose loved ones in battle and then sense the uneasiness as others in the community grapple to find the right words to comfort them. It is probably the truest picture of life in our country as that war raged on in Europe and the South Pacific. The courage. The resiliency. The dread. It is all here in this terrific slice of Americana.

I came to see this movie for the first time about 20 years ago. I've probably seen it once a year ever since and always during Christmas week.  For me, it is a annual reminder of my grandmother, who was a mother during World War II. And she shared virtually all of the stories that are portrayed on screen. On cold winter Sunday afternoons, I would sit in her living room and hear about rationing and community dances and the fear that wrapped around you when a letter from the government arrived in the mail. She lost a son in France in 1945---I was named after him. This movie gives me more than a history lesson. It gives me back my grandmother one more time.

"Since You Went Away" turns up on Turner Classic Movies. It is worth three hours of your time. I defy you not to well up at the end of Act 1 or just prior to the finale. I double defy you.

6.  Forget "Elf" and any other Yuletide crap that Hollywood has passed off the last few years. The best Christmas movie to be produced in the last fifteen or so years is "Love Actually." It's one of those ultra-episodic scripts where about 15 characters have different storylines that may or may not be connected. It's a little confusing at first, as you meet practically the entire London phone book. But, hang on and you will get a wonderful present. 

Sure, there are about five characters and three storylines too many. But, they will scoot by quickly and you can revel in the more compelling tales. Laura Linney as a single woman who can't commit to any romance. Liam Neeson who is trying to be a parent to his young stepson as they both experience their first Noel without the recently-died Mom. The shaky marriage between Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson, who breaks your heart as she listens to a Joni Mitchell CD version of "Both Sides Now." I even liked Hugh Grant as a Tony Blair-like British Prime Minister. And there is a rendition of "All I Want for Christmas is You" that gives you goose bumps. If you've ever wanted to spend Christmas in London, this is the ideal virtual way to do so.

7.  Okay, what's a Christmas without one Disney cartoon?  And this one is the best in my book.  Because it was my mother's favorite cartoon.  Curiously, I don't remember seeing it with her on one of the many Disney re-issues over the years.  But, when it came out on...wait for it...VHS several decades ago, I bought it and we watched it together one Christmas afternoon.  Suddenly, I was the child again and Mom was the parent again.  Indeed, as always happens with aging folks, the dynamic had reversed.  But, not on this day.  Thank you, Lady and the Tramp, for one of the very last good and lasting memories of my mom.

8.  And then there's Christmas with Dad.  Here's the movie that connects me to him every December.  And, no worries.  This rollicking World War II comedy has a set piece that happens on New Year's Eve when Tony Curtis is trying to steal some Polynesian farmer's pig for dinner.  But, moreover, this is the movie that I remember hearing my father laughing out loud for the very first time.

I know I saw it with him in a theater.  I do believe it played at the RKO Proctors in Mount Vernon, New York around Christmas time.  This may have been the way that I was shuttled out of the house for a few hours so that Mom could wrap my presents.  A lot of the ribald gags might have gone over my head.  But I didn't care.

My dad was convulsed with laughter.  And this was not a sight I saw frequently.  Plus there was one line that he repeated over and over and over when we got home.

"Can this submarine go down?"

"Like a rock."

For some reason, Dad loved that exchange.  Meanwhile, I did the same thing with this film when it came out many years ago on....wait for it again...VHS.  I watched it with my father one holiday season. 

He still laughed.

9.  Okay, truth be told, I don't watch "Ben-Hur" every year.   Since I'm already devoting three hours to "Since You Went Away," I'm not sure I have the time to view this three-hour-plus epic.  But, frequently, I can hear the voices in my head.  Most notably that of my mother, who used to drag me to every Biblical movie ever made.  She may not have gone to church, but she sure did run to the theater every time Charlton Heston appeared in a gladiator outfit.  Oddly enough, this was not one of the movies she took me to.

But then there was one holiday season where Judah Ben-Hur and I finally crossed paths.

On December 30, 1987, I tripped on my sneaker laces coming out of my bathroom.  Falling forward, I landed on my right arm with pain so severe that it actually made me laugh.  Nevertheless, I still headed out for the evening, totally ignorant of the fact that I had fractured the rotator cuff in my right shoulder.

I was less ignorant in the morning when the excruciating pain and a neighbor drove me to the emergency room.

Happy F-ing New Year!

I couldn't raise a glass of cheer, because I could barely raise a pencil. So, I was cooped up for the frivolity. And, to get my mind off my chipped bones, I decided to rent the longest movie I could find at the video store. That would be the 1959 rendition of "Ben-Hur," which I had surprisingly never seen. And, so I sat in front of a 19 inch television, arm in a sling and watching, for the first time, one of the biggest and successful epics Hollywood had ever made. It was probably the worst way to sample this film. And I certainly have seen it several times since in much better viewing conditions. But, I can't say that I have enjoyed it more than I did that very first time.

"Ben-Hur" is total validation that, at one isolated point in the fixed universe, Charlton Heston could really act. For a movie that is so large in scope and long in running time, "Ben-Hur" is an incredibly intimate story. Because, indeed, it's about one man's spiritual awakening.

Many of the movie's sequences are so legendary that all I have to do is simply mention them and you can conjure up an immediate image. The ship's galley. The chariot race. The leper colony. But, for me, the most memorable scenes are the ones where Judah Ben-Hur encounters Jesus Christ. The first time finds a beaten Judah, enslaved in a road gang, and a traveling Jesus gives him a drink of water. Many reels later, Judah returns the favor when Christ falls in front of him while carrying the cross to his own crucifixion. The symmetry of those two points in the movie is truly amazing and wonderfully choreographed by director William Wyler.

Of course, this was in the day when Hollywood worked hard to never show Jesus Christ's face on camera. Today, they probably would have no shame and they'd probably even cast Tyler Perry in the part.

You can't truly appreciate "Ben-Hur" until you see it on a big screen. And a wide one. A really wide one like the Egyptian Theater had several years back when I saw it there.   But the Blu-Ray on the 42 inch-screen in my living room last year wasn't bad either. 

And my arm wasn't in a sling.

10.  Okay, one more and I'm saving the best for last.  Truth be told, I watch "The Apartment" every year during the week between Christmas and New Year's.  Both those holidays are featured in the film, but it's the really organic blend of comedy and drama that makes it perfect for the post-Christmas doldrums.  You will laugh.  You will cry.  You will be moved.  It is life itself and that's why "The Apartment" is my #1 favorite movie of all time.  To understand it is to understand what we all deal with every single day.

There's no magical story why I am so connected to this film.  I did not see "The Apartment" till well after I got out of college. Now, it's one I see every year. It is an essential part of my annual film viewing. But, every time I see it, there is some new emotion or nuance that reveals itself to me. Perhaps it's a look or gesture from Shirley McLaine or Fred MacMurray that I missed. Maybe it's a line of dialogue that I suddenly realize was set up by another line of dialogue one reel earlier. There's always some new discovery for me.

And maybe it will be a discovery for you.  As well as the rest of the movies on this list.  Sure to bring holiday cheer...and even a tear...to your Christmas festivities.  Watch them with friends and family.  Watch them alone.

Just watch them.   And, if the Christmas tree lights are twinkling in the background, even better.

Dinner last night:  Grilled prawns at Asterid.

Classic Newsreel of the Month - December 2024

 Christmas circa 1950.

Dinner last night:  Sandwich.

Christmas Albums You Probably Don't Have

 

Ho Ho Ho.  Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.

Okay, when I was a teenager, I might have actually bought this one.

 Make that five Ho's.

Alright, I see the Flintstones and that gives me a logistical problem with this.  They existed B.C.  Before Christ.  So how the heck do they celebrate Christmas??
Huh??

What's for Christmas dinner?  What do you mean "ham?!!" 

Don't eat the tinsel.

Have yourself a Sodium Nitrate Christmas.

Don't they mean "The Knight Rider Before Christmas?"

Not to be confused with the Mamas and the Papas, who actually did sell a record album.

Because nothing says Christmas more than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. and Ty Hardin singing on your stereo record player.

My guess is that this gets no airplay in the homes of Debbie Reynolds and Connie Stevens.

Wanna know why this guy didn't celebrate more than 45 Christmases?  Hint: he's holding it in his hand.

Dinner last night:   The Dodger season ticket holder party at the Stadium.