Classic Musical Comedy Production Number of the Month - August 2024

Woo hoo.  A five Saturday month which means we get to enjoy a prized production number from the musical comedy world.  This month, we glance at what was a very underrated Broadway show 41 years ago.

Dinner last night:  Friday night BLT from Clementine's.

One Picture, A Thousand Words

 

Yeah, kid, I know.

Better hope Grandma didn't just eat a plate of cauliflower.

When you hire the homeless as babysitters.

When you hire a Food Network host as your babysitter.

Oh, wow.  It's Kirk Cameron's office birthday party!

She heard you could be aroused by using an appliance.

 So what if the bride has passed out.  Smile, everybody!!!

Grandma is smokin' hot.

Hair styles by Sweeney Todd.

 Whoa!  That's what I call a makeover!!!

You might want to stay away from the potatoes au gratin.

Voted Senior Class "Most Likely to Have the Shit Kicked Out of Him."

Dinner last night:  Italian sub from Jersey Mike's.

Hollywood Then and Now - August 2024

My third favorite movie of all time is Hitchcock's "North By Northwest."  It features well known sites as the United Nations, Grand Central Station, and Mount Rushmore.

Plus a remote road in California.  Remember?

Cary Grant waiting for a contact to show.  How desolate can you get?

Nothing has changed 65 years later.

The more things change...

Dinner last night:  Salisbury steak.

This Date in History - August 28

 

Happy birthday, Lou Piniella.  Are you finally out of baseball yet???

475:  THE ROMAN GENERAL ORESTES FORCES WESTERN ROMAN EMPEROR JULIUS NEPOS TO FLEE.  

Every single Wednesday, there's at least one reference to those crazy nuts in the Roman Empire.

489:  THEODORIC, KING OF THE OSTROGOTHS, DEFEATS ODOACER, FORCING HIS WAY INTO ITALY.

And sometimes there are two.

1189:  THE CRUSADERS BEGIN THE SIEGE OF ACRE UNDER GUY OF LUSIGNAN.

Years before the Crusaders played the Apollo Theater.

1521:  THE OTTOMAN TURKS OCCUPY BELGRADE.

These goofy Ottomans turn up a lot on Wednesdays, too.

1609:  HENRY HUDSON DISCOVERS DELAWARE BAY.

What did Delaware?  A size 12.

1619:  FERDINAND II IS ELECTED EMPEROR OF THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE.

Okay, three in one week is my limit.

1709:  MEIDINGNU PAMHEIBA IS CROWNED KING OF MANIPUR.

Who?  What?  Where?

1830:  THE BALTIMORE AND OHIO RAILROAD'S NEW TOM THUMB STEAM LOCOMOTIVE RACES A HORSE-DRAWN CAR.

In its first years on the air, this is the kind of event that ESPN would have covered.

1845:  THE FIRST ISSUE OF SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN IS PUBLISHED.

Circulation: 1.

1898:  CALEB BRADHAM INVENTS PEPSI-COLA.

Little did Caleb know but, years later, there would be about two dozen versions of the same soda.

1913:  QUEEN WILHELMINA OPENS THE PEACE PALACE IN THE HAGUE.

And, luckily, they had Pepsi available to drink at this conference.

1916:  DURING WORLD WAR I, GERMANY DECLARES WAR ON ROMANIA.

Sure, pick on the small kids.

1916:  DURING WORLD WAR I, ITALY DECLARES WAR ON GERMANY.

Obviously close friends with the folks in Romania.

1917:  TEN SUFFRAGETTES ARE ARRESTED WHILE PICKETING THE WHITE HOUSE.

And that's how women's prison movies got started.

1921:  ACTRESS NANCY KULP IS BORN.

Chief!

1925:  ACTOR DONALD O'CONNOR IS BORN.

Make 'em laugh.

1930:  ACTOR BEN GAZZARA IS BORN.

Officially running for his life.

1937:  TOYOTA MOTORS BECOMES AN INDEPENDENT COMPANY.

I had no idea they existed way back then.

1943:  BASEBALL STAR LOU PINIELLA IS BORN.

In his honor, argue with an umpire today.

1943:  ACTOR DAVID SOUL IS BORN.

Starsky is waiting for you.

1944:  DURING WORLD WAR II, MARSEILLE AND TOULON ARE LIBERATED.

Viva les assholes.

1953:  NIPPON TELEVISION BROADCASTS JAPAN'S FIRST TV SHOW, INCLUDING THE FIRST TV ADVERTISEMENT.

For Ginsu knives, no doubt.

1955:  BLACK TEENAGER EMMETT TILL IS BRUTALLY MURDERED IN MISSISSIPPI, GALVANIZING THE AMERICAN CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT.

Screw that whole Jussie Smollett incident and all the others like it.  This was really a racial incident.

1957:  US SENATOR STROM THURMOND BEGINS A DAY-LONG FILIBUSTER TO PREVENT THE SENATE FROM VOTING ON A CIVIL RIGHTS ACT.  

Note to all:  he was a liberal Democrat at the time.

1963:  REVEREND MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. GIVES HIS "I HAVE A DREAM" SPEECH DURING THE MARCH ON WASHINGTON.

Did the dream include a trip to Memphis?  If so, he really wasn't paying attention.

1963:  EMILY HOFFERT AND JANICE WYLIE ARE MURDERED IN THEIR MANHATTAN APARTMENT, PROMPTING EVENTS THAT LEAD TO THE PASSING OF THE MIRANDA RIGHTS.

"You have the right to remain silent..."

1964:  THE PHILADELPHIA RACE RIOTS BEGINS.

So much for that dream.

1968:  RIOTS IN CHICAGO DURING THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION.

Dan Rather got punched.  How bad could this be?

1976:  ACTRESS ANISSA JONES DIES.

And Mrs. Beasley is devastated.

1978:  ACTOR ROBERT SHAW DIES.

Three years after he sort of died in "Jaws."

1985:  ACTRESS RUTH GORDON DIES.

Rosemary's Coffin.

1987:  DIRECTOR JOHN HUSTON DIES.

Caskets?  I don't need no stinkin' caskets.

1991:  MIKHAIL GORBACHEV RESIGNS AS GENERAL SECRETARY OF THE SOVIET COMMUNIST PARTY.

And he went through all that trouble of tearing down a wall.

1996:  CHARLES, PRINCE OF WALES AND DIANA, PRINCESS OF WALES DIVORCE.

As it will turn out, the end of August is not a good time for her.

2007:  ACTRESS MIYOSHI UMEKI DIES.

The easiest gag still works.   Sayonara.

2011:  HURRICANE IRENE STRIKES THE EAST COAST OF THE US.

And they think it's a killer storm.  Just wait...

2013:  BASEBALL FRANK PULLI DIES.

Strike three.

Dinner last night:  Chicken tenders again.

The Grocery Bagger Speaks

 

Just to be clear, the guy in the photo is not the guy in today's blog post.  But I needed some sort of illustration.

I'm usually too busy loading up my food purchases on the conveyor belt to pay attention to the employees' conversation around me.   But this was a word that I could not ignore as it came out of the mouth of the guy bagging my stuff at Bristol Farms.

Bagger:  "This is all so dystopian."

Now I have to think.   Did I think I was going to hear the word "dystopian" at all today, let alone the kid loading up my plastic bags.   So I had to engage.

Me: "I didn't think I was going to hear that word today."

Bagger:  "Well, it's just my mood today.  As we continue on the last days of capitalism.

Huh?  I didn't know where this or he was going.   It was a coin flip.

Me:  "So, capitalism is a bad thing?"

Bagger:  "The worst.   It can't be over soon enough."

Me:  "But I see you're standing here doing a job for which you are going to be paid."

Bagger:  "Only because I was coerced into doing so."

This kid was probably 19.

I wanted to pray for our country right then and there.   If I go back next, what are the odds this genius is having a "Harris/Walz" t-shirt.

Dinner last night:  Chicken tenders.

Monday Morning Video Laugh - August 26

 Let's all go back to school again with that idiot Kamala.

Dinner last night:  Teriyaki chicken.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - Six Flags, One Miserable Date

 

Ah, what wonderful memories.   Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey.

Not.   

Here's a Sunday Memory Drawer callback.   All because I saw a commercial on TV about Six Flags Magic Mountain in California.   A place I went to once and will never go back to again.   But that should be no surprise.

Because I hate, absolutely detest any Six Flags amusement park.  I was never a big fan when I was in the correct demographic.  Now a bit older, I couldn't fathom ever visiting one of these places again.  The more thrills a ride offers, the less likely I am to go on it.  The funny thing is that I would tackle a roller coaster or something similar at a Disney park.  As long as I'm not suspended upside down in mid-air, I'll do it.  At a place with the mouse ears.  But, at a Six Flags dump?  Forget it.

This is not to say that I didn't frequent one back in the day.  Right after college, the aforementioned Great Adventure opened in Jackson, New Jersey.  A schlep certainly from the New York metropolitan area, but you made it if a group was going and perhaps, once again, you were trying to get...ahem...close to somebody.  What better place to forge a romantic and maybe even intimate bond while somebody is throwing up onto your sneakers?  Ah, those are the moments that create wonderful relationships.

Except there was one female friend that I went to Great Adventure with, not once but twice.  Despite the fact that I didn't learn my lesson the first time.  Two incredibly miserable days that have discolored my memories of Six Flags Great Adventure for eternity.

Okay, maybe I was a little dumb back then.   This was somebody that I actually liked.  Maybe even in that way which leads to serious dating and then selecting a fabric for living room curtains.  In retrospect, what the hell was I thinking?  But, concentrating on where I was at the time, she was probably as cute as a button. 

Oh, how the mind...and your vision...can play cruel tricks on you.

Well, anyway, it was a summer day right after college graduation.  A time when I should have been looking for gainful employment and a possibly worthwhile career.  Nah, I took July and August off.  And used my free time to live it up.  Heck, I had the rest of my life to be responsible.  I needed to goof off for a bit.

One of those time wasters was an excursion to Great Adventure.  And this would be one of those rare stellar events where my best friend and college roommate would take in the amusement park with a couple of other friends.  They just happened to be girls.  There was no pairing off here.  Just four folks going on some rides. 

Okay, well, maybe I did have a slight agenda. 

But, as luck and age would have it, my college roommate and I tended to be a little annoying on this day.  Fooling around.  Making fun of some of the other people in the park.  And, for some bizarre reason, constantly trying to step on the back of each other's sneakers.

We were college graduates in diploma only. 

All day long, we were each working hard to trip up the other.  Stupid, I know, but there would be plenty of time for civility when we got jobs.  For now, this was our complete focus.  Getting each other to almost fall down.

So, as we went through those chain link mazes that arranged the lines of people waiting to board a ride, we'd step on each other's sneakers.   At one point, he slammed down so hard on the back of my foot that it propelled me forward with a lurch.  Convinced I was going to fall over and fast, I put my hands out to grab onto anything.  For some reason that I can't explain, my right hand was clenched in a fist.

Innocently, my would-be girlfriend happened to be following the chain link maze in the other direction. 

Her face and my fist had a rendezvous.  The meeting place was her jaw. 

Whack!!

I had accidentally punched her in the face.

Like a good sparring partner, the force of my hand made her wobble, but she never went down.  I hadn't scored a technical knockout, but, regardless, I immediately began to apologize profusely.  It wasn't my fault.  My roommate had tripped me.  Blame him.  Are you okay?  Is there anything I can do?

"No, I'm fine."

Ah, good, she was trying to be a trooper.  Or so I thought.

For the rest of the day, we relived this drama over and over and over and over.  Every time I looked at her, she was rubbing her jaw.  Moving it from side to side to make sure it still worked.  And reminding me at every single moment that I had socked her in the face.  I was feeling bad enough as it was.  Although she kept reassuring me that she was fine, she couldn't stop talking about the incident.  I was getting to the point where I wanted to belt her jaw again and, this time, do it so she couldn't possibly speak another word.

Effectively, the day at Six Flags Great Adventure had been ruined.

Let's flash forward to a year later and another example of how I never learn my lesson.  Back to Six Flags Great Adventure.  With the same girl.  This time, I'm bopping along with said person's sister and her own boyfriend.  Luckily, he and I did not have the type of relationship where we felt comfortable stepping on each other's sneakers.

Sadly, that might have been the highlight of the day.

This was one of those summer dates where heat and humidity fit over the New York City metropolitan area like OJ's glove that was one size too small.  You touched something and you were instantly glued to it by the moisture.  A perfect day to sample the water rides at an amusement park.  And, with its enormous log flume ride, Great Adventure was beckoning to us.  I couldn't wait to go on this and get as wet as possible.

Apparently, I was the only one.

"Do we really want to go on the log flume?"

Huh?

I was quite nice asking why she was so reticent.  What I really wanted to ask was....

Are you freakin' kidding me???  It's 150 fucking degrees outside and the best way to cool off is to get sprayed with oodles of water.  Why the hell did you come here anyway?   To sit in a hot car and go through the safari land???  We can't do that anyway because my father's Buick has a vinyl top and the baboons like to eat the glue that holds that down.  You stupid pain in the ass!!!

Or something like that. 

I was oddly persistent and I'm not sure why.  Maybe it was just that hot.

I must have been fairly persuasive because she ultimately caved in and went on the log flume.  The big drop at the end of the ride would be just the start of my problems for the rest of the day.

As luck and fate would have it, my friend was the one who got the soaking on the ride.  I mean, Poseidon-Adventure-Shelley-Winters-drowning wet.  On a hot day like this, you'd dry in thirty seconds.

Nope.  She immediately got off the ride and ran into the bathroom sobbing.  Her sister scurried after her.

Uh oh.  I'll go sit in the car.  Maybe with the windows rolled up.

A few minutes passed as I sheepishly waited in a puddle.  Finally, the sister emerged and I was in her cross hairs.

"Nice job.  Now she's drenched and you have no idea what a problem this is causing because she's in the middle of having her period right now and this ride messed everything up and you should be more sensitive and be aware of things like this."

Ummmm......

Now I wish somebody was stepping on the back of my sneakers again so I could fall forever and punch them both in the mouth.

How the heck was I supposed to know any of this?  Is this published information?  Do I look in the New York Daily News every morning for an update?  National League batting averages, Belmont racing results, and, oh yeah, a listing of those women smack in the worst part of their menstrual cycles.

Effectively, another day at Six Flags Great Adventure had been ruined.  While I did go back there several other times, I always was on my best behavior.  The bad memories were always lingering. 

And I always made sure to ask the question if I happened to be going there with a female.

How are you feeling today?  Really?

Dinner last night:  Double Double from In N'Out.

Classic Movie Trailer of the Month - August 2024

 Yes, folks....sixty years old this month.

Dinner last night:  The pre-game buffet at the Dodger Stadium Club.

Your Weekend Movie Guide for August 2024

 

Nothing to see...and, sadly...no places to see it.   Here's the fable Bruin Theater in Westwood.   Now closed.   The other palace across the street...the Fox...has also closed but will be redesigned.   No such plans for the quaint Bruin.   Even I have lots of memories there and I've only lived in LA since the late 90s.

You know the monthly drill.   I'll cobble through the movie listings and give you my knee jerk reaction to what's out there.

Spoiler alert.  There's nothing.   And one less theater to see nothing at.

Strange Darling:  A one-night stand goes awry.   Don't they all?   Or so I'm told.

Trap:  Another thriller from that Sixth Sense director who has never matched the success of his first movie where we all saw dead people.

Alien - Romulus:  Beating a dead alien to a pulp.

Deadpool and Wolverine:  Sounds like a vintage clothing store on Melrose.

It Ends With Us:  Said everybody who watched the Democratic Convention.

Twisters: An old-fashioned summer blockbuster that should be seen in a theater.

Despicable Me 4:  When they get to number 8, I'll start to catch up.

Didi:  Don't CeCe.

The Crow: A documentary about Nancy Pelosi?

Between the Temples:  A cantor needs to change his life.   Take your best Pro-Hamas friend.

Blink Twice:  And you will miss it.   A psycho thriller with Channing Tatum which is redundant.

Greedy People:  See "It Ends with Us."

Place of Bones:  The food recycle bin?

I'll Be Your Mirror: Reflect on that.

Dinner last night:  BLT from Clementine's.

Packing It In

 

No, this isn't a suicide note embedded in a blog post.   The photo should be self-explanatory.

For reasons I will share at a later time, I have to close up shop at the condo building I've been living in the past 18 years.   You don't want to know the details.  Well, actually, you do.  And I will share them...comedically...once I am in a new place and can't be traced.

A new place?  I never thought I would need to do this again.  But here I go.  And all the sensations, sights, and smells that go with looking for a new apartment.

Like...

What's that musty smell?

How can you charge this for that?

Why does the rental application need the phone number of somebody I rented from 20 years ago?

Did anybody think to clean this unit before letting people come in and judge it?

And what's that musty smell?

What's with all the fireplaces that don't really work?   And why am I concerned with that on the hottest day of the year in Los Angeles?

Again...how can you charge this for that?

When the inside of a living room has less light than the broom closet you just peeked...

And, for the last time, what's that musty smell???

Life as I know it...for the moment.

Dinner last night:  Chef's salad.

This Date in History - August 21

 

Happy birthday to one of our favorite Mod Squad-ers.

1192:  MINAMOTO NO YORITOMO BECOMES SEII TAI SHOGUN AND THE DE FACTO RULER OF JAPAN.

It's a lot easier to spell Richard Chamberlain.

1331:  KING STEPHEN UROS III, AFTER MONTHS OF ANARCHY, SURRENDERS TO HIS SON AND RIVAL, WHO SUCCEEDS AS KING OF SERBIA.

For those of you whose goal it is to rule Serbia.  Wherever the hell that is.

1680:  PUEBLO INDIANS CAPTURE SANTA FE FROM THE SPANISH.

Does the Monopoly railroad come with this?

1772:  KING GUSTAV III COMPLETES HIS COUP D'ETAT BY ADOPTING A NEW CONSTITUTION, ENDING HALF A CENTURY OF PARLIAMENTARY RULE IN SWEDEN AND INSTALLING HIMSELF AS AN ENLIGHTENED DESPOT.

True enlightenment is always arguable.

1778:  DURING THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, BRITISH FORCES BEGIN BESIEGING THE FRENCH OUTPOST AT PONDICHERY.

Two countries who never ever get along.

1810: JEAN-BAPTISTE BERNADOTTE, MARSHAL OF FRANCE, IS ELECTED CROWN PRINCE OF SWEDEN.

There's a lot of this Swedish bullshit today.

1831:  NAT TURNER LEADS BLACK SLAVES AND FREE BLACKS IN A REBELLION.

Years before his brother Ike met Tina.

1863:  LAWRENCE, KANSAS IS DESTROYED BY CONFEDERATE GUERRILLAS.  

And gorillas they are.

1879:  THE VIRGIN MARY, ALONG WITH ST. JOSEPH AND ST. JOHN THE EVANGELIST, REPORTEDLY APPEAR AT KNOCK SHRINE IN IRELAND.

In Ireland?  Oh, that explains it.  Probably some green elephants, too.

1883:  AN F5 TORNADO STRIKES ROCHESTER, MINNESOTA, LEADING TO THE CREATION OF THE MAYO CLINIC.

Because the injured needed someplace to go.

1888:  THE FIRST SUCCESSFUL ADDING MACHINE IN THE US IS PATENTED BY WILLIAM SEWARD BURROUGHS.

Who realized that ten fingers and toes were not enough.

1897:  OLDSMOBILE, A BRAND OF AMERICAN AUTOMOBILES, IS FOUNDED.

Just in time for the 1898 car buying season.

1904:  MUSICIAN COUNT BASIE IS BORN.

Orchestra to follow.

1905:  ANIMATOR FRIZ FRELENG IS BORN.

Looney Tunes to follow.

1911:  THE MONA LISA IS STOLEN BY A LOUVRE EMPLOYEE.

Now how far can you get with that tucked underneath your coat??

 1924:  SPORTSCASTER JACK BUCK IS BORN.

Sadly, to some viewers, son Joe to follow.

1924:  SPORTSCASTER CHRIS SCHENKEL IS BORN.

Two great announcers born on the same day.

1924:  ACTOR JACK WESTON IS BORN.

And him, too.

1930:  PRINCESS MARGARET IS BORN.

The baby was crowning.

1936:  BASKETBALL STAR WILT CHAMBERLAIN IS BORN.

Can you imagine him coming down the birth canal??

1938:  SINGER KENNY ROGERS IS BORN.

Talk about your First Edition.

1939:  ACTOR CLARENCE WILLIAMS III IS BORN.

So there were two others before him??

1940:  RUSSIAN POLITICIAN LEON TROTSKY DIES.

So I guess we need to go on the trade market for another lefty.

1942:  THE FLAG OF NAZI GERMANY IS INSTALLED ATOP THE MOUNT ELBRUS, THE HIGHEST PEAK OF THE CAUCASUS MOUNTAIN RANGE.

Yeah, but not for long.

1945:  PHYSICIST HARRY K. DAGHLIAN JR. IS FATALLY IRRADIATED IN A CRITICALITY ACCIDENT DURING AN EXPERIMENT WITH THE DEMON CORE.

I am picturing the way the Nazis got fried in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

1959:  PRESIDENT DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER SIGNS AN EXECUTIVE ORDER PROCLAIMING HAWAII THE 50TH STATE OF THE UNION.  

Aloha.  Now Jack Lord has some place to work.

1961:  MOTOWN RELEASES WHAT WOULD BE ITS FIRST #1 HIT, "PLEASE MR. POSTMAN" BY THE MARVELETTES.

Is there a letter, a letter for me?

1979:  SOVIET DANCER ALEXANDER GODUNOV DEFECTS TO THE UNITED STATES.

Because, for him, Russia wasn't godunov.

1983:  PHILIPPINE OPPOSITION LEADER BENIGNO AQUINO JR. IS ASSASSINATED AT THE MANILA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.

For those of you on stand by, a seat has opened up.

1991:  A COUP ATTEMPT AGAINST MIKHAIL GORBACHEV COLLAPSES.

Somebody didn't want him taking down that wall.

1993:  NASA LOSES CONTACT WITH THE MARS OBSERVER SPACECRAFT.

They eventually reconnected for Facebook.

2005:  INVENTOR ROBERT MOOG DIES.

He lost control of all his synthesizers.

2010: ACTRESS NANCY DOLMAN DIES.

Mrs. Martin Short.  Sad.

2017:  A SOLAR ECLIPSE CROSSES THE U.S.

Don't look directly at it.   You did?  Too late.  You're probably not reading this.

Dinner last night:  Chicken tenders.

The Last BLT?

 

Pure heaven.

This is the BLT sandwich offered by a sandwich shop in my neighborhood, Clementine's.  Because of the quality of fresh tomatoes, they only put this on the menu in August.   So, it's time to live it up.

This year, even so.   If you watched one Presidential candidate's National Lampoon Economics Class last week, you were told about the wonders of the government regulating the costs of food.   And the by-product of that will be, along with eventual food shortages, that we won't be able to discern the quality of one food staple from another.   This is all in the playbook of this idiot who hasn't been in a kitchen or a super market for twenty years.

But we have to stop what she called "price gauging."  If anybody listened to her dribble and still plans to vote for her (please take Trump out of the equation), this country is doomed.

So are small wonderful establishments like Clementine's,   And perhaps even the demise of the great BLT as I have known it and loved it.

Dinner last night:  Chicken tenders.

Monday Morning Video Laugh - August 19, 2024

 Enjoy your last summer weeks at the local amusement park.

Dinner last night:  Orange chicken lo mein

The Sunday Memory Drawer - Beach Blanket Bullshit

 

Ah, one of those oxymorons.

Okay, here in Los Angeles, I live maybe five miles from the beach.   Ask me how many times I have actually gone there.  It's sort of like that old saying which talked of the fact that people who live in NY who have never visited the Empire State Building.

Well, as the age old photo above shows, I did go to the beach at least once.   Actually several times.   Despite the fact that I lived in the ultra-urban suburb of New York City.

Yeah, a lot of my friends today talk about their childhoods at the shore. Spending every day at the beach. Renting cabanas for the summer. Barbecuing on the sand at night as the sun went down and the ocean breezes kicked in.

Me? I lived in Mount Vernon, New York. With close proximity to the subway. If the train zoomed by you on the 233rd Street platform, the resulting wind was your summer refreshment for the day.

More specifically, we were landlocked. Getting to the beach was an ordeal. 

President Kennedy had pledged that, by the end of the 60s, Americans would be on the moon. He could have easily added that the goal was to get me to a beach more than twice any given summer.

Oh, don't get me wrong. We liked the beach. At least, my mother and I did. My father couldn't be bothered. I don't think he even owned a bathing suit. And, since he was the driver in the household and frequently working, we couldn't depend upon him for transportation to the shore. We were on our own.

And neither of the closest beaches were, well, close.

You had Glen Island Beach in New Rochelle. A neighboring city. The park there had a shoreline on an inlet from the Long Island Sound. Sea water twice removed. By the time it got to the Glen Island sand, there was barely a ripple. There were more waves in my mother's new permanent. When you dipped into the Glen Island waters, you might as well have been taking a bath in the tub at home.

Of course, to the south of our home, there was the Bronx where Orchard Beach beckoned to us. Or, as we often referred to it, "Horseshit Beach." Not only was the water there equally as tranquil, but it was incredibly dark. It could have easily been mistaken for a bottle of Guinness Ale. The folks on the sand were not much better. Oh, they seemed okay. It's just that most of them were speaking English as a twelfth language. We had traveled ten miles to the south, but we somehow landed on the shores of San Juan. If your ball landed on some stranger's blanket, you needed a United Nations interpreter to get it back.

As a beach resort, Orchard Beach was always our last resort.

Yeah, we preferred Glen Island Beach. But, the trick was how to get there.
Enter my mother's cache of girlfriends. A prerequisite for my non-driving mother was to know other women who could. With valid licenses and cars to boot. If it looked like it was going to be hot and humid for a few days, my mother immediately went to the Princess phone and commenced dialing. 
Usually, somebody got recruited with their kids and we were packing beach provisions in lickety-split fashion.

The only problem is that none of my mom's friends had children that were anything but...girls.

"We're going to the beach with Aunt Ronnie."

All my mother's girlfriends were aunts to me. And Aunt Ronnie had two girls---Susan and Nancy. Sweet? At that age, not.

But, there I was. An only child out with a couple of kids and I still had nobody to play with. To make matters worse, one of the other girls I was beach-teamed with was usually still young enough (and flat enough) to skip the traditional top of the bathing suit.

Can we go home yet?

Of course, we'd eat our packaged sandwiches for lunch and I would hate the taste of my favorite Taylor Ham sandwich when it was seasoned with mustard and sand. I'd sit there amidst four or five gabby women or girls and want the sun to bake me to death. And, naturally, lunch at the beach seemed like an eternity. Because...

"You have to wait an hour before you can go back in the water."

Why?

"You just wait."

Kill me now, please.

I'd sit on that blanket, drifting into a gossip-induced coma. Can you please make friends with somebody that has a boy for a kid? Please!!! I always wondered why my mom never suggested that I invite along one of my chums. Leo from up the block or maybe Russell from school. That would have solved everything.

If we were really desperate for a beach day and nobody was available with transportation, my mother would prevail upon our other in-house source for a ride to the shore. Grandpa. That would mean Horseshit Beach would be the day's destination as Grandpa knew the Bronx roads and little else. It was on one of those excursions that I realized Grandpa was at the end of his days. I've told the story here before.

We had gone to the Bronx Riviera and arranged for Grandpa to come and pick us up at an appointed afternoon time. For the ride home, there were two other passengers with me and Mom. One of her friends and her daughter, of course. Well, anyway, mucho chatter ensued and the car soon sounded like a chicken coop. It distracted Grandpa.

And, for some bizarre reason, he seemed to be a little unsure about the way home. And then he ran a stop sign.

And whacked a car coming the other direction.

I got knocked onto the floor of the back seat, but everybody was otherwise okay. And quiet for a change. Surprisingly, there was no damage to our car. And a medium-sized dent on the car we hit. But, the real trauma was etched on Grandpa's face. He was crestfallen. He had never been involved in an accident before. His demeanor showed the result of his epiphany. With his reflexes slowing down, he was encountering the inevitable.

His driving days were over.

As my family often did, we went into emergency lockdown mode. Grandpa whispered to me.

"Don't tell your grandmother."

Check.

My mother whispered to me.

"Don't tell your father."

Check again.

The secret didn't hold for long. Because my grandfather pretty much stopped driving anywhere after that.

And we never went to Horseshit Beach again.

After that, any beach days were over for good. Mom and most of her friends went back to work. And it would be years before I went to a beach again. By the end of high school and college, I broadened my shore line horizons to include Jones Beach on Long Island. And I would journey out there with my neighborhood buddy, Leo.

After all, he had a car.

Dinner last night:  Double Double from In N' Out Burger.

Classic TV Theme Song of the Month - August 2024

Sixty years ago, this sitcom actually lasted a couple of seasons.   And actually changed their opening every year.

Dinner last night:  BLT from Clementine's.

Pretty as a Picture?

 

The same mixing bowl was using for both of their haircuts.

Somebody finally adopted Wednesday Addams.

"Yep, your shoulder does look infected to me."

Hedda Hopper's great great grandchildren.

On your wedding day, grin and bear it.

Hair today, even more hair tomorrow.

Now this bunch should be the real targets of Michelle Obama's "better nutrition" initiative.

Look what Mommy doesn't have.

Isn't there an age limit for a fairy godmother?

There are amazing things you can do with a Sharpie.

Dinner last night:  Salisbury steak.

Len's Recipe of the Month - August 2024

 

Ah, August.   The only time during the year where I will eat a sliced tomato.   It's when they're at their peak.   Just picked by a farmer.  Or, back in the day, my grandmother from her backyard garden.

Every year, in her honor, I will visit a local farmer's market and get "tomato-ed" up.  And I endeavor to use them in a dish I have never tried before.

Ladies and gentlemen, straight from America's Test Kitchen...Tomato Gratin.

Get three to four big tomatoes and quarter, then eighth them in a bowl.

In a skillet or a Dutch oven, heat up some EVO and then add the tomatoes over medium heat.   Slice three cloves of garlic and add them along with the following...

Two tablespoons of sugar.

One tablespoon of kosher salt.

One tablespoon of ground pepper.

Heat it all together for ten minutes...or until the tomatoes have released a lot of juice.

Now, you can make your own croutons, but a bag of them is just as good.  Add it to the tomatoes and press the croutons down so they absorb the liquid.

Cover it all with grated parmagiana reggiano.  Place in a 350 degree oven for about four minutes.

Viola.   You've made something worthy of my grandmother's garden.

Dinner last night:  Chicken salad.

This Date in History - August 14

 

Happy birthday to this wild-and-crazy guy.

1183:  TAIRA NO MUNEMORI AND THE TAIRA CLAN TAKE THE YOUNG EMPEROR ANTOKU AND THE THREE SACRED TREASURES AND FLEE TO WESTERN JAPAN.

The Taira Clan?  A busted TV pilot from Sherwood Schwartz?

1415:  HENRY THE NAVIGATOR LEADS PORTUGUESE FORCES TO VICTORY OVER THE MARINIDS AT THE BATTLE OF CEUTA.

Why does everything in this sentence look misspelled?

1592:  DURING THE IMJIN WAR, ADMIRAL YI SUN-SIN DECISIVELY DFEATS THE JAPANESE NAVY AT HANSAN ISLAND.

As we later find out, they're much better from the air.

1816:  THE UNITED KINGDOM FORMALLY ANNEXED THE TRISTAN DA CUNHA ARCHIPELAGO, RULING THEM FROM THE CAPE COLONY IN SOUTH AFRICA.

Also a candidate for spell check.

1842:  THE SECOND SEMINOLE WAR ENDS, WITH THE SEMINOLES FORCED FROM FLORIDA TO OKLAHOMA.

In the middle of tornado season.  Yeah, the Seminoles will be safe there.

1851:  GAMBLER DOC HOLLIDAY IS BORN.

I repeat, this is not the pitcher on the Philadelphia Phillies.  Just in case you are confused.

1880:  CONSTRUCTION OF COLOGNE CATHEDRAL, THE MOST FAMOUS LANDMARK IN COLOGNE, GERMANY, IS COMPLETED.

Until, of course, Romy Schneider came along.

1885:  JAPAN'S FIRST PATENT IS ISSUED TO THE INVENTOR OF A RUST-PROOF PAINT.

Rust-proof?  Wait for the first tsunami.

1893:  FRANCE BECOMES THE FIRST COUNTRY TO INTRODUCE MOTOR VEHICLE REGISTRATION. 

With a first-day line that stretched from the Eiffel Tower to Notre Dame.

1901:  THE FIRST CLAIMED POWERED FLIGHT, BY GUSTAVE WHITEHEAD IN HIS NUMBER 21.

Claimed?  He could be lying??

1911:  US SENATE LEADERS AGREE TO ROTATE THE OFFICE OF PRESIDENT PRO TEMPORE OF THE SENATE AMONG LEADING CANDIDATES TO FILL THE VACANCY LEFT BY WILLIAM P. FRYE'S DEATH.

Harry Reid was there, right?

1916:  GIANTS OWNER WELLINGTON MARA IS BORN.

Little known first name: Beef.

1926:  ACTRESS ALICE GHOSTLEY IS BORN.

The female Paul Lynde.  Except she was straight.

1926:  DIRECTOR LINA WERTMULLER IS BORN.

I saw her "Seven Beauties."  About seven too many for me.

1930:  BASEBALL MANAGER EARL WEAVER IS BORN.

He argued that it really happened on August 13.

1935:  THE SOCIAL SECURITY ACT CREATES A PENSION SYSTEM FOR THE RETIRED.

And, by 2025, most of the money will be gone.

1936:  RAINEY BETHEA IS HANGED IN OWENSBORO, KENTUCKY IN THE LAST PUBLIC EXECUTION IN THE UNITED STATES.

You mean there's still privately held?  How do I get on that e-mail alert?

1941:  ROCK SINGER DAVID CROSBY IS BORN.

Stills, Nash, and Young are waiting for you.

1941:  WINSTON CHURCHILL AND FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT SIGN THE ATLANTIC CHARTER OF WAR STATING POSTWAR AIMS.

Any excuse for these guys to open up the good scotch.

1945:  JAPAN ACCEPTS THE ALLIED TERMS OF SURRENDER IN WORLD WAR II AND THE EMPEROR RECORDS THE IMPERIAL RESCRIPT ON SURRENDER.

Bonsai yourself!

1945:  COMIC ACTOR STEVE MARTIN IS BORN.

Why they don't let him host the Oscars every year is beyond me.

1946:  ACTRESS SUSAN SAINT JAMES IS BORN.

Jane Curtin is waiting for you.

1951:  PUBLISHER WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST DIES.

Rosebud.

1959:  FOUNDING AND FIRST OFFICIAL MEETING OF THE AMERICAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

And you'll be waiting for Joe Namath.

1972:  ACTOR OSCAR LEVANT DIES.

An American in Casket.

1975:  THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, THE LONGEST RUNNING RELEASE IN FILM HISTORY, OPENS AT THE USA THEATER IN WESTWOOD, CALIFORNIA.

And the theater is long gone.  But it still plays frequently at the Nuart several blocks from my house.

1980:  ACTRESS DOROTHY STRATTEN DIES.

I've seen pictures.  She was hot.  Now she's cold.

1985:  ACTRESS GALE SONDERGAARD DIES.

Everybody's favorite creepy housekeeper.

1999:  BASEBALL STAR PEE WEE REESE DIES.

And is still, to this day, hitting better than Dodger third basemen in 2013.

2003:  WIDESCALE POWER BLACKOUT IN THE NORTHEAST UNITED STATES AND CANADA.

Every time the lights went out when my grandfather was alive, he blamed the Communists.

2012:  ACTOR RON PALILLO DIES.

Welcome back....oh, never mind.

2012:  ACTRESS PHYLLIS THAXTER DIES.

Thirty Seconds Over Heaven.

2016:  ACTOR FYVUSH FINKEL DIES.

Brilliant on "Picket Fences."

Dinner last night:  Steak salad.