Warning! There Will Be Side Effects

 

If Demi Moore had won the Best Actress Oscar for "The Substance," I guess the world have come off its axis a little.  Well, I suppose if somebody from "St. Elmo's Fire" was going to win an Academy Award, it might as well be her.   But she didn't.

Of course, I don't know how much acting had to be done in this turd of a movie, given that Demi spends most of the film behind special effects and/or gross make-up that would make the Elephant Man look like Betty Grable.  I don't know if this is an acting award or one from an Arts and Crafts class in Encino.

To make matters worse, this film epitomizes everything that is wrong in Hollywood.  The collective viewpoint of most current film makers is so dark and sinister.  Psychiatrists must be making a fortune on Wilshire Boulevard.  Allegedly, this film was made by grown-ups.   I need to see proof.

The first five minutes are promising.  Demi plays an exercise guru with a hit TV show.  She overhears some TV execs say that the host needs to look younger.  Moore sees an advertisement for an injection that will do just that.   Indeed, it clones a younger version of herself.  But the side effects for the original host are gruesome.   It's the small print in drug commercials that will always trip you up.

From there, "The Substance"spirals downhill and soon resembles the residue you see in a bus depot bathroom at 1AM.  There is not a single redeeming quality in this film as it descends into a cavalcade of gore and blood and all the plastic the prop department can muster up.   

In all seriousness, I salute Demi Moore for hanging in there and becoming relevant once again.   It's just a shame that, to do so, 'The Substance" had to get produced.

LEN'S RATING:  Zero Stars.

Dinner last night:  Hamburger.

This Date in History - March 5

 

Russian leader Joseph Stalin died on this date.   And the creepy thing those Soviets always do is keep their dead leaders on display.  Talk about your odd tourist attractions.

1046:  NASER KHOSROW BEGINS THE SEVEN-YEAR MIDDLE EASTERN JOURNEY WHICH HE WILL LATER DESCRIBE IN HIS BOOK SAFARNAMA.

As long as we don't have to sit through the slide show.

1496:  KING HENRY VII OF ENGLAND ISSUES LETTERS PATENT TO JOHN CABOT AND HIS SONS, AUTHORIZING THEM TO EXPLORE UNKNOWN LANDS.

Once again...as long as we don't have to sit through the slide show.

1616:  NICOLAUS COPERNICUS' BOOK, DE REVOLUTIONIBUS ORBIUM COELESTIUM, IS BANNED BY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

Banned?  I bet they couldn't even pronounce it.

1770:  THE BOSTON MASSACRE---FIVE AMERICANS ARE KILLED BY BRITISH TROOPS, WHICH WILL LEAD TO THE START OF THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.

It's time for high tea.

1836:  SAMUEL COLT PATENTS THE FIRST .34 CALIBER REVOLVER.

And later the malt liquor.

1872:  GEORGE WESTINGHOUSE PATENTS THE AIR BRAKE.

You can be sure it's....

1908:  ACTOR REX HARRISON IS BORN.

"Marry Freddy??"

1912:  ITALIAN FORCES ARE THE FIRST TO USE AIRSHIPS FOR MILITARY PURPOSES, EMPLOYING THEM FOR RECONNAISSANCE BEHIND TURKISH LINES.

Because you never really know what those Turks are up to, do you?

1927:  ACTOR JACK CASSIDY IS BORN.

Shirley's husband, David's dad, Hopalong's cousin.

1933:  PRESIDENT FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT DECLARES A BANK HOLIDAY, CLOSING ALL US BANKS AND FREEZING ALL FINANCIAL TRANSACTIONS. 

What about the ATMs?

1933:  ADOLF HITLER'S NAZI PARTY RECEIVES 43.9% OF THE REICHSTAG ELECTIONS.  THIS LATER ALLOWS THE NAZIS TO ESTABLISH A DICTATORSHIP.

With only 43.9?  What happened to "majority rules?"

1939:  ACTRESS SAMANTHA EGGAR IS BORN.

Name one movie she's done.  I dare you.

1940:  MEMBERS OF SOVIET POLITBURO, INCLUDING GENERAL SECRETARY JOSEPH STALIN, SIGN AN ORDER FOR THE EXECUTION OF 25,700 POLISH POWS.

Hey, Big Joe, remember this date.   What goes around comes around.

1946:  WINSTON CHURCHILL COINS THE PHRASE "IRON CURTAIN" IN HIS SPEECH AT WESTMINISTER COLLEGE, MISSOURI.

Of course, you will notice he was on one of his many vacations to the US.

1947:  BASEBALL STAR KENT TEKULVE IS BORN.

One of the ugliest baseball players ever.   But see for yourself.

1953:  JOSEPH STALIN DIES.

I told you so.

1960:  CUBAN PHOTOGRAPHER ALBERTO KORDA TAKES HIS ICONIC PHOTOGRAPH OF MARXIST CHE GUEVARA.

I'll take five wallet size.

1963:  SINGER PATSY CLINE DIES.

"I'm crazy...crazy for flying in that plane."

1966:  BOAC FLIGHT 911 CRASHES ON MOUNT FUJI, JAPAN, KILLING 124.  

Luckily, there were no country music stars on board.

1974:  ACTOR BILLY DE WOLFE DIES.

He was never married and who's surprised by that??!!

1974:  DURING THE YOM KIPPUR WAR, ISRAELI FORCES WITHDRAW FROM THE WEST BANK OF THE SUEZ CANAL.

Again?

1979:  AMERICA'S VOYAGER I SPACECRAFT HAS ITS CLOSEST APPROACH TO JUPITER.  

They can do this, but some airplane can't get over Mount Fuji?

1982:  ACTOR JOHN BELUSHI DIES.

Samurai Corpse.

1984:  ACTOR WILLIAM POWELL DIES.

He was propably even thinner at the time of his death.

1999:  PAUL OKALIK IS ELECTED FIRST PREMIER OF NUNAVUT.

Who?  Where?

1999:  ACTOR RICHARD KILEY DIES.

The impossible dream is now an eternal one.

2012:  SONGWRITER ROBERT B. SHERMAN DIES.

A spoonful of sugar makes the formaldehyde go in.

2013:  POLITICIAN HUGO CHAVEZ DIES.

I love his ravine.

Dinner last night:   Pineapple and bacon chicken sausage.

Arizona Surprise

 

As I type today's title, I realize there is a city named Surprise in Arizona.   But my entry is all about another town.  Glendale.  And there's a surprise there, too.

After lots of talk about doing this trip, my lifelong best friend Leo and I finally made the six hour drive through California and Arizona desert and nothingness to watch the Dodgers in spring training.  Indeed, Leo and I didn't need a reason to do some male bonding.  We are as close as they come.  No surprise there.  But, nevertheless, the journey was much fun and one of those highlight reels for life.

Now, Glendale is a town that looks like a work in progress.  There's not much there but you can see tons of office buildings and homes in mid-construction.  For those already residing there, you don't have a lot of choices for entertainment.  There is the Dodgers spring complex and stadium.   The Arizona NFL team stadium is about a mile from that.   And right around the corner from that is one of those entertainment complexes full of chain restaurants and an AMC Theater.  On a Saturday night, I am guessing all the residents wind up there.

And so did these two visitors from LA looking for some place decent to eat.  We stumbled upon a semi-Asian restaurant.   When I say "semi," it's because there were burgers on the menu alongside the Kung Pao stuff.   

Glancing at the offerings, I noted a Korean dish that I had previously seen TV producer Phil Rosenthal having at a Koreatown restaurant on his Netflix food show.   BBQ pork with kimchi fried rice and topped with a fried egg.  I was intrigued.

And ultimately delighted.   This dish may have been one of the best meals I have had.   Right near a Dave and Buster's in...surprise...Glendale, Arizona.

There was more to come.

After a Sunday afternoon of baseball, we trolled back to the same entertainment center and found a hole-in-the-wall pizza joint.   Leo and I decided to split a pie.   

As I was enjoying my first slice, I was astounded.   The pizza sauce may have been the best I have ever tasted.   And I'm from NY.   I called one of the clerks over and asked if the pizza place made their own sauce.   On cue, she brought out the place's manager/chef...a nondescript gal you might wind up as a checkout stand at the local supermarket.   

I told her this was one of the finest pizzas I had ever had and she mentioned it was a family recipe she brought from her home...in Syracuse, NY.   That town, like Glendale, Arizona, is not a place you expect to find one (or in my case, two) of the best dishes I ever eaten.

Now that's my Surprise...in Arizona.

Dinner last night:  Coconut chicken fingers.

Monday Morning Video Laugh - March 3, 2025

 Dedicating this month of March Mondays to classic goof-ups or blooper from TV.   And, surely, you remember this moronic contestant on the old Match Game.

Dinner last night:  Meat pizza at Pizzanna.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - That First Smell of Popcorn

 

On Oscar Sunday 2025 when nobody cares anymore, is there a better way to celebrate movie going than a flashback to my very, very first foray into a cinema?

Of course, knowing me, you know it couldn't have gone smoothly.  The location of the disaster is shown above.  The wonderful Loews Theater right across from City Hall in Mount Vernon, New York.  Well, that's where it used to be.  It's nothing but a dumpy parking lot now and just another sterling example of how my hometown has turned into nothing but a toxic waste dump raped and pillaged by a conga line of inept and crooked politicians over the past three decades.  A hamlet that used to have two beautiful movie palaces now has none.  As soon as my one friend still residing there moves out, the whole city can easily be blown off the Google map. 

But I digress...

Back to the movies, I can remember that they were a big part of my mom's life.  She was always reading the fan magazines.  Photoplay.  Modern Screen.  TV/Radio Mirror.  At least one night a week and with my dad working evenings, she was off to the theater with her girlfriend, Ronnie, who was a dead ringer for Susan Hayward herself.  I always knew they had been to the movies if I found a box of Pom Poms or Milk Duds on the kitchen table.  The breakfast of four-year-old champions.

If my mother and Ronnie weren't at the movies, they were on the phone talking about what they had just seen or what they were planning to check out the next week.  And they'd gossip about some of the screen stars as if they knew them.

"Maurice Chevalier looked a little bloated in Gigi."

"Did you see how bloodshot Eleanor Parker's eyes were in Home From the Hill?"

"Do you think Kirk Douglas dyed his hair for Spartacus?"

I can only imagine how catty they were with people they actually knew.

Nevertheless, I guess my mom couldn't wait to include me in her movie going world.  I couldn't have been more than four years old when I was considered cinema ready.

And, from my vivid recollection, my very first movie would be...

Perfect entertainment for somebody my age.  And, oh, look, "it's colorsome."

So, on one warm weekday afternoon, Mom walked me down Stevens Avenue to Loews for the first of what would be thousands of motion picture experiences for yours truly.

Except...

I remember the huge and glorious edifice being empty.  It was the first show of the day and apparently even a colorsome movie like Tom Thumb wasn't packing them in just yet.   We made the long climb to the balcony, which was my mother's prime viewing location.  Why?  It was the smoking section.

I probably was in awe of my surroundings.  It was so eerily quiet.  But the hall was very pretty.  And the velvet curtain that faced us all.

Moments later, the lights began to dim.

Uh oh, what's happening?

The curtain slowly started to inch its way apart to reveal a huge white wall.  

Suddenly, this all didn't look so inviting.  I had no clue what was happening.  But none of it looked good.  And I reacted the way any well-adjusted child would.

I started to scream.

'WHHHHAAAAAAAA!   WHHHAAAAAAAAAAA!"

My mom was so off-put that she probably had to douse her cigarette.  What the hell was wrong with me?

"WHHHHHAAAAAAA!  WHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!"

If there was anybody else in the theater at that moment, I am sure they were complaining to the manager.  Can you shut that freakin' kid up?

Mom had no luck with me.  This freakin' kid wouldn't shut up.  I sounded like Lucy Ricardo on the umpteenth time that Ricky wouldn't let her be in the show down at the Tropicana.

There would be no Tom Thumb for me that afternoon. 

I think I stopped the histrionics several blocks away.  And re-ignited them  anew when Mom had her say.

"You've wasted my money, today, young man."

Young man?  Okay, I was four.

With a great flourish, my mother ripped apart the two movie tickets.  Wasted money, indeed.  The tickets were probably no more than fifty cents each.  Needless to say, the rest of my afternoon was spent in my room.  A just punishment for having squandered my family's fortune.

Not wanting to repeat the scream fest ever again, my mother got smart at how to get around my "dimming lights/curtain parting" phobia.  For the next two years whenever I was taken to the movies, we arrived ten minutes into the first feature.  I clearly recall one afternoon while we hung around Hartley Park just up the street from the RKO Proctors theater.  The show had started at 1PM.  My mom looked at her watch.

"1:15PM.  I guess we can go in now."

Now, this late arrival trend was admittedly a little strange.  And it couldn't have gotten more bizarre on the occasion where I first remembered ever going to the movies with not one, but both of my parents.  And I previously told this particular saga when I wrote about my Top 25 Favorite Films.  The movie that came in at # 2....

"Some Like It Hot" holds a very special place in my own personal film history, as it was the very first time I heard a movie theater audience laugh. Out loud. I was very, very, very young, but I distinctly remember going to Loews' Mount Vernon theater to see it. It was even more noteworthy since it was probably the only time I ever went to an indoor theater with both my parents in tow. Back in those days, your neighborhood movie house ran two pictures and you frequently didn't pay attention to start times. You just showed up when you wanted to. There were many times when we would show up and see the final 20 minutes of one movie, see the next one, and then leave at the exact spot where we came in. Very weird and I would never even fathom doing that today.

We inexplicably arrived to see "Some Like It Hot" about ten minutes from the end. I remember very little except that it was the big chase scene through the hotel. And the audience was roaring with laughter. I did not know what to make of it all. Many years later, I truly understood.

There is not one single wasted moment or line of dialogue in this whole movie. Every word has a purpose and a function. And, more importantly, it gets you to where Billy Wilder wants you. In the palm of his hand. Laughing hysterically till it hurt. I've read the screenplay several times and it is a master course in film comedy. It should be used as a textbook in film schools all over the country.

I've seen "Some Like It Hot" probably 30 or 40 times in my life. It never gets old or repetitive. I've seen it on TV and on the big screen. It never gets any less funnier than it was the very first time. When I walked into that Loews theater across from City Hall in Mount Vernon.

And heard all those people enjoying a truly phenomenal movie.

Oddly enough, there are days now where I crave to see a curtain open up to reveal a movie screen.  Nothing excites me more.  You sadly see it done any more.  It is truly a lost art.

And just when I got over that screaming thing...

Dinner last night:  Beef with broccoli.

Classic TV Commercial of the Month - March 2025

 So iconic.   Whatever happened to this woman?

Dinner last night:  Pineapple and bacon chicken sausage.