At about 9PM Pacific last Sunday night, I began my perilous journey. To a place I have never before been. The dark spot at the end of a well-lit tunnel. The actual antithesis of most near-death experiences. And I will be there for perhaps the next ten days.
Folks, I am rooting for the Yankees in the World Series.
How did all the orbits align for this truly mysterious and momentous point in my life history? Easy. The Dodgers didn't beat the Phillies in the 2009 NLCS. And have I ever told you? I absolutely despise the Phillies. And, most particularly, their fans. Phillies....Philistines. In my book and Bible, they're both the same.
Specifically, I cannot stand the likes of Shane Victorino and Ryan Howard. The former, AKA "The Flying Hawaiian," is a smug asshole who fistpumped his way to Dodger hatedom. I have no clue what Shane is so pompous about. He has a face that could stop a nine day clock. One of those many baseball skinheads who looks like he has a swastika tattooed somewhere on his body. As for Ryan Howard, I am imploring the injury gods to focus their wrath on him. He made a nasty gesture to Dodger fans during Game Two and I will never forget it. And I'm not hoping for a pulled hamstring. Yep, nothing short of a broken back will put a smile on my face. Ryan, I'm waiting for the day you, too, will be peeing your steroid-laced urine into a cup. At least, we'll finally know why your head looked like it was shrunk by a Maori tribe this past baseball season. Hmmmmmm.
So this is what propels me to the denizens of the Bronx. A-Rod! Der-ek Jeet-er!!! I am here. Enjoy me, Pinstripe People. I am yours for the next two weeks.
An odd sensation, this Yankee fandom that I am currently experiencing. I suddenly feel twenty pounds heavier. I have begun to curse at inanimate objects. And I am craving a keg of cheap beer. I've also noticed a tendency to miss the urinal while I'm trying to pee. Gee, is this what I have been missing all these years??
Some of my friends are appalled at my decision to do this. One told me not to look into the light as if I was Jobeth Williams trying to pull my daughter out of the closet in "Poltergeist." In some circles of my pals, I am being viewed as a leper like Ben-Hur's mother and sister.
Trust me. I'm on loan. Yankee fans, I will join in on your merriment. But, please know that my ticket to your world is round trip. I will be back in Dodgertown and Metville sooner than you can say "Ryan Howard is hurt and will be out for the entire 2010 baseball season." And that hat you see in the photo above gets re-buried in my closet for perhaps the rest of eternity.
Dinner last night: Chicken breast with capers, rice cakes, and sauted spinach.
3 comments:
I can only surmise we're taking this loss a little harder than most, given the extraordinary lengths you're taking here? There's a much simpler, less radical option than rooting for the corporate steamroller in the Bronx...DON'T ROOT FOR ANYBODY!
Shut up, Glenn.
i agree about not rooting for anyone. i have hated the Yankees ever since u got me watching the Mets when i was 10. and i hate all philadelhia sports teams, and there fans, because of the Eagles (don't get me started on the NFC East), so when those were the two teams in the World Series, i tuned out and moved on to something much grander and more important: my Xbox. so, to ur betrayal, i say this: for shame!
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