Your Weekend Movie Guide - October 2009

"It's Jerry's funniest yet!"

Talk about your idle threats. But, at least, the RKO Proctors Theater in New Rochelle was "healthfully air conditioned."

We don't get double features like this anymore. At a grand movie palace. But, lucky for us, there is still a movie down at your local and antiseptic multiplex, which is featuring more horseshit than you would find at the Aqueduct stables. Here's my monthly assistance to you. If there's a flick in your future this weekend, let me steer you in the right direction. I'll flip through the LA Times movie guide and tell you what I think is worth your time. Or, in most cases, what would be a complete waste of your time. Frankly, even a Jerry Lewis movie is better than most of this crap.

Amelia: This looks dreary. A biography of Amelia Earhart. How exciting can that be? It's not like they can include a surprise twist ending.

Where The Wild Things Are: The House of Representatives?

Law Abiding Citizen: Three scary words. "Jamie Foxx Drama." America's amazing fascination with mediocre talents continues.

The Fall: The ad says "a sex, drugs, murder, lying, conniving, creepy thrill ride." Sounds like the upcoming Frank and Jamie McCourt divorce trial.

Paranormal Activity: I heard this is terrible. Things that go bump in the night. Trust me, it's not always a ghost. Have you checked out your kitchen garbage disposal lately?

Coco Before Chanel: Wake me when it's over. The real title should be "Cocoa Before Bedtime."

New York, I Love You: I saw this and it's just okay. Fifteen different little vignettes about life in the Big Apple. But, except for five minutes in Brooklyn, all the action takes place within a ten square block radius in midtown Manhattan. Hello, everybody? The Bronx? Queens? Staten Island, perish the thought? Call me when the other boroughs get equal storylines.

An Education: I saw this, too, and sort of liked it. Except it's a little creepy. Some thirty-something guy starts dating a girl in high school. Afterwards, I thought about all the implausibilities. Until, of course, I read about ESPN's Steve Phillips.

Couples Retreat: It's another Vince Vaughn laugh riot. Audiences should retreat as well.

This Is It: The Michael Jackson "Really Farewell" tour. I must sheepishly admit to a small desire to see this movie. Like one of those "Faces of Death" videos. When some doofus puts a firecracker with a very long fuse up a cat's ass.

The House of the Devil: The White House?

Skin: The true story of a woman born Black to White parents. The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. With their children David, Ricky, and Kwaneesha.

The Boondock Saints II: There was a Boondock Saints I? Anybody?

Gentlemen Broncos: A teenager's first written story is stolen by a famous novelist. But it really sounds like a West Hollywood production of "Rawhide."

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: Hey, God, I ordered sausage!

Cirque Du Freak, The Vampire's Assistant: So the vampire still has an assistant? It's good to know that downsizing has yet to come to Transylvania.

Zombieland: The Senate?

The Stepfather: Step parents are always depicted as evil. Is there not an advocate for this much-maligned member of society?

Astro Boy: What would happen if Octomom had sex with the Jetsons' dog.

Good Hair: My, my, you have a short memory span. I reviewed this yesterday. Thumbs up...Len.

Anti-Christ: Nancy Pelosi?

Saw VI: Four more and we can open up a Home Depot.

A Serious Man: The Cohn Brothers' latest dark comedy. All about Jews living in Minnesota during the 60s. The Wonder Years Goes To Temple. I found it captivating but the ending was almost as jarring and offputting as the finale of the Sopranos. It's almost as if the theater forgot to run the last reel.

Whip It: I also saw this. Juno Goes to the Roller Derby. I was quite surprised how bored I got. Surprisingly, you do get tired of watching women beat the shit out of each other for ninety minutes. Who knew??

Capitalism, A Love Story: If you absolutely must see this mess, go to the bargain matinee so you can really fuck with Michael Moore's profit center.

Dinner last night: Honey chipotle chicken tenders at Chili's.