Nifty Gift Ideas from Sky Mall

Killing time as I do on some American Airline flights, the Sky Mall magazine is a wonderful way to validate one more time how stupid a country we are. The amount of junk that is featured in those catalogs would make Fred Sanford blush. The sad fact is that somebody is probably plunking down their Master Card digits for some of this trash. Here's just some of what I saw recently. My guess is that this could become my next regular feature.

Take, for instance, this dandy attic tent. You can use it to prevent those nasty leaks from the crawlspace upstairs that drive your heating bills skyhigh. But, you could save a lot more money if you simply paid attention to what my father was always yelling at. "Stop opening the door so much." At the same time, I'm looking at this item and I'm wondering if it muffles noise as much as it insulates. Because, if the Frank family had an attic tent, little Anne might still be alive today.

I've gotten e-mail and junk mail on how to re-construct my family tree. I've never bothered because A) I know where most of my relatives are and B) I don't want to know where most of my relatives have been. But, now you can actually do it for your dog as well. Any folks who buy this service are officially insane. Will you feel anymore empowered if you find out that little pooch of yours is a direct descendent of Lassie or Rin Tin Tin? Or you may find out your little pride and joy might have some connections you would like to ignore? Because, frankly, you never know where that bitch has been.

Finally, the little kitty has some privacy to do her thing. Meanwhile, as secluded as it is, you can rest assure that the litter will still wind up all over the floor. And the smell will remain as pungent as ever. I actually know folks who keep litter boxes in their kitchen. Hmmmm? Is that tuna fish bad? Or is our favorite feline have a little digestive issue with that new flavor of Whiskas?

For people who really, really, really don't want anybody on their property. And still, it'll be some Sunday afternoon and you'll get some Jehovah's Witness ringing your front door bell.

Wash your hair and the shower stall at the very same time. Multi-tasking to the Nth degree. And, after you've spent too much time playing with this in the shower, show up to work late, and get fired, you can then use this device to make a few dollars while wiping off windshields on the off ramp from the Bruckner Expressway.

You want to talk about lazy? Here's a patch of indoor grass that you can use when you don't want to get off your fat ass and walk the pooch. Are you kidding me? Half of the fun of the bathroom experience for little Scratch is sniffing around and finding a spot that another fellow canine has already marked with some poop. Can you duplicate that in your own living room? I think not. Unless, of course, you want to squat yourself on this thing and give the dog something to remember for the rest of his life.

Dinner last night: Pepperoni pizza at Dodger Stadium.