How Green is My Valley of a Hotel Room

I love hotels. Until they go green. Not with a fungus. With a philosophy. Perhaps that is one and the same.

The Westin Buckhead Hotel in Atlanta has joined the craze that is sweeping the nation. We want to save the world, so, in the process, we will completely drive people freakin' nuts.

The signs were prominent in the lobby pictured above. "We are green." Since I pointedly don't give a shit about the future life and world of my kids and primarily because I don't have any, I have not gone full bore into the global warming hysteria. As a matter of fact, just this morning, I read a story in the paper that talked about this winter being one of the coldest on record for the Northeastern United States. So, there! But, I digress. Just suffice it to say that my home or life is not green in any shape or form. It is, however, well lit, always well air-conditioned, and full of running water whenever.

Not so the Westin Buckhead. As I entered my hotel room for the first time, I flipped on the lights. My immediate reaction was to find out which part of the suite my dearly departed loved one was reposing in. Was there a guest book I could sign and, oh, where are the little cards with the 23rd Psalm printed on the back? I looked at the light fixtures. A ha. Those nifty little 30 watt light Gores. This will explain why I will leave the state of Georgia with less ocular vision than when I arrived.

Throughout the room, the normal amenities have been replaced with anything and everything bio-degradable. No glasses. There are plastic cups. Less note paper. What there was recycled and gave you the illusion of writing on parchment paper. But I did note that all the signs about what kind of paper was being conserved were all printed on regular paper.

Atlanta has endured a lot of flooding over the past week, so I was surprised to see all the stressing for water conservation. If they are looking for extra water reserves, they might want to check the basements of the soaked people bitching on the 11 o'clock news last night. Nevertheless, I wanted to check out the hotel pool. Apparently, chlorine is a no no in the green world. The usual refreshing stench of an over-chlorinated swimming pool was replaced by...the smell of salt water. My first mouthful of pool water was like downing a jar of olive brine.

The bathroom alone was worthy of a show and tell at the Grant Avenue Elementary School Science Fair. It appears that complimentary mouthwash is an ecological no no. That's okay. It would not have made it on my pedestal sink which almost fell over under the devastating weight of my toothbrush. From what I can gather, glueing and/or cementing bathroom fixtures is also verboten in a green world. No worries as the water coming from the tap was at a controlled drip. It would have taken Natalie Wood almost three years to drown in that. At this point, I am wondering if the simple and harmless act of a toilet flush would require a call to the front desk.

The less said about the shower, the better. It totally regulates how one washes himself. Once I figured out how to turn it on, I realized that the drain is such that you manually have to let the water out. This prevents water waste and also promotes back pain as you continually must bend over to release the water that is now halfway up your shinbone. Not so ideal for regular folks, but utopia for predators in a prison shower. Wash, soap, bend, release. Wash, soap, bend, release. Somewhere in the middle of all that, the eco-gods decided I had enough and the water stopped altogether. Al Gore had obviously decreed that I was clean.

I crawled into bed and thought about my first day in a green hotel. I had saved a little piece of the world. And destroyed myself in the process.

But, for me, I'll be back. The cocktail snacks on the club level were dee-lish. And I ate them with all the lights on in my room and the AC at full blast.

Dinner last night: Ribeye steak at Antica Posta in Buckhead.