Johnny Carson Has Died...Again

If NBC could write create comedy shows that would duplicate the hilarity that has been provided from their own ineptitude, the network might not be languishing in 117th place. From what I am hearing, there are some Korean soap operas that were getting higher ratings than Jay Leno at 10PM. "Knots Randing." But, then again, my old Kenner Give-A-Show Projector used to get more viewers in my parents' kitchen than what NBC has been pulling in over the past few years.

Let's face it. The days of "Must See TV" have gone by the boards. Chucked onto the side of the road along with Silly Putty eggs, hula hoops, and Cabbage Patch Kids. It is hard to believe that this is the network that used to house the likes of Bill Cosby, Cheers, St. Elsewhere, and ER. And, at the end of every NBC evening, you had the warm and comfortable video Snuggie called the Tonight Show. With Johnny Carson.

Regardless of what was going on in the world or your life, Johnny was the constant that was always there. A great monologue. Some banter that was always intriguing. Carnac. Tea Time Movies with Art Fern. Maybe a horny ocelot from the San Diego Zoo. And captivating, spontaneous conversations with folks like Suzanne Pleshette, Tony Randall, and even Jimmy Stewart reading a poem. You went to bed a little enlightened. Sparked to continue on for another day.

Indeed, for almost sixty years, there were just four hosts of the Tonight Show. Astounding consistency. Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny, and Jay Leno. The latter was on for the past seventeen years and I probably watched him for no more than seventeen minutes. Sorry, Jay. My Tonight Show host was Carson.

I grew up with Johnny. Negotiating with my parents to stay up on Thursday and Friday nights so I could tune in. When I turned sixteen and was of the appropriate studio audience age, my neighborhood buddy Leo and I used to trek down to Manhattan to watch tapings. We'd send away for tickets, go to the show, and then come home to send for the next pair of passes. I went even further with my fandom. I copied some of Johnny's routines and often tried to entertain my chums up the block. My dream job was probably to work for the Tonight Show.

Yes, folks, I was a big fan.

The whole franchise died a little for me with Jay. Frankly, tt was DOA on arrival when Conan O'Brien arrived. I've never understood his previous Late Night appeal. Conan reminds me of the Harvard graduate who has about twelve friends who think he is hilarious. For some reason, NBC seemed to believe there was hundreds more across the country clamoring for him. I beg to differ. There is a smugness to Conan that I never got. A notion that he is funnier and smarter than his audience. My e-mail message to Conan: "Oh, no, you're not."

In an effort to placate Conan's two dozen or so ardent fans, NBC gave him the Tonight Show. Not wanting to face an age discrimination suit, they dump Jay Leno to a prime time slot at 10PM. Kindergarten classes all over America knew that this was a move that would never work. NBC executives, however, did not.
Now, they're stuck. Multi-millions of dollars thrown contractually down a drain on a network which is the television equivalent of the Kansas City Royals. If NBC had been steering the Titanic, it would have started to flounder hours before they hit that iceberg.

Leno is stillborn at 10PM. Conan is predictably a red-headed test pattern with the Tonight Show. And NBC affiliates are so irate that you would think Nancy Pelosi had just been named Head of Programming. So, as you may have read, NBC is trying to fix this and fast. They're thinking of moving to Jay for a half-hour at 11:35PM. Then, Conan comes on with the Tonight Show at midnight and he probably would be hardpressed to get enough viewers for a bridge game. Since Jay's monologues are twenty minutes long to begin with, his 30 minute show would be giving us punchlines at about 150,000 dollars each. I don't think those kinds of prices were discussed during the last WGA negotiations.

Throughout all the recent hysteria, one sad fact jumps out at me time and time again.

Everything Steve Allen, Jack Paar, and Johnny Carson had built is now gone. In its place, we wind up with sophomoric humor and spontaneous conversations that were scripted hours before the show. With all the nonsense about how to save Jay and Conan, NBC has lost sight that they have effectively killed the Tonight Show. In retrospect, they should have left Johnny there until it was time for the undertaker to show up with the embalming needles. That was the network's first mistake. The second was replacing Leno with Conan, who should be banished to a life that essentially revolves around assisting some priest at requiem masses.

At the end of our day, we are left with all this mess. And, at the end of our night, we are really left with nothing.

Today, there is no longer a Tonight.

Dinner last night: Chicken tenders with side of risotto and spinach.