Your Weekend Movie Guide for January 2010

Here's another recent photo of one of my favorite childhood movie theaters. The Kimball Theater on Yonkers Avenue in, duh, Yonkers. It was decimated by a fire about six years ago. Yet, it was still allowed to languish until some homeless bums moved in and started another blaze. Will somebody please put this place out of its misery? Is there such a thing as a mercy killing for an old movie house?

And, if you want more pain, try a new movie this weekend. Here's what is out there stinking up the joints. You know the exercise. I leaf through the movie ads in the Los Angeles Times and give you my gut reaction as to whether you should see or flee.

Avatar: Scroll back one day on this blog and you'll read my comments. If you're too lazy to do that, it's your own fault.

Legion: When God loses faith in mankind, he sends in his legion of angels to bring on the Apocalypse. Frankly, God shouldn't give us so quickly. Look what happened in Massachusetts this week. Meanwhile, is the end of the world now featured in every movie coming out of Hollywood?

Tooth Fairy: Another laugh riot from the Rock. A hockey player serves as a tooth fairy. That is what I call an irony. Since most hockey players don't have all their teeth. I get it.

Drool: Another story about another desperate housewife who accidentally kills her husband. Uh huh. An accident? Like when Claudine Longet accidentally shot that ski instructor seventeen times? Meanwhile, must we now always be subjected to the perils of some desperate housewive or real housewife or whatever other kind of housewife is being shoved down our throats? My grandmother was a housewife and she didn't kill my grandfather. Or so she said.

Extraordinary Measures: Brendan Fraser and Harrison Ford star in this movie about some guy who has to risk everything to get a cure for his children's life-threatening disease. So, the H1N1 vaccine is that hard to get?

The Book of Eli: And it's the end of the world AGAIN! More crap from Denzel Washington. The real movie I want to see with this guy is one that follows him around Hollywood with a hidden camera. Watching him pull constantly from his deck of 52 race cards, while continuing to bag any White chick he can get his hands on. This guy is a real pile of shit and a disgrace to our mutual hometown, Mount Vernon, New York. Of course, that's redundant since Mount Vernon is a disgrace unto itself.

Crazy Heart: Saw it and I recommend it solely so you can get a jump on seeing what will be Jeff Bridges' Oscar-winning performance. The movie is nothing but "The Wrestler" redone with country music, but the acting elevates it to a much higher level.

The Road: Guess what??? It's the end of the world AGAIN!!!! This is one of the dreariest movies I have ever seen. And I've seen my share of dreary. Get the special at the snack bar. A large popcorn, a medium soda, and a last clinical depression for just $4.50.

Sherlock Holmes: A true mystery. I have no clue why people are even bothering.

The Lovely Bones: A serial killer, a dead girl, and hopefully it is the end of the world for all those involved in the production.

The Princess and the Frog: It hasn't croaked yet. But will soon. From what I hear, this is not Disney's best work. But, that's what happens when you mix Cinderella with Shaft.

The Spy Next Door: Jackie Chan is the neighbor. As if there aren't enough Asians roaming around Los Angeles.

A Single Man: I've heard really good things about this drama that stars Colin Firth as a gay guy grieving over the death of his lover. I wanted to see it, but, poof, it has disappeared from theaters. How does one mount an Oscar campaign when people can't find the movie? Meanwhile, we can get all the Jackie Chan we want?

It's Complicated: I saw this over the holiday break and it's not the mess that reviewers said it was. There is nothing new about the story, but Meryl Streep and Steve Martin really make the material better than it has. However, you do have to sit through another over-the-top, scenery gnawing performance by Alec Baldwin, who almost singlehandedly murders the movie. But, his character is equally as unlikeable, so it sort of works. It's fun to go to a film where the audience is mostly over the age of 45 and they all identify with the jokes.

Leap Year: Maybe it should have opened on February 29th of this year. Note that there is no February 29th this year.

Alvin and the Chipmunks, The Squeakquel: Road kill. Jeez, even I was a kid and watched their show, I much preferred the part of the program that featured Clyde Crashcup. Who is that, you say? What do you think Wikipedia is for?

Did You Hear About the Morgans?: From the box office receipts, nobody did.

Up In The Air: I've already seen it a second time. And it was just as marvelous as the first time. An almost perfect movie.

The Last Station: All about the final days of Leo Tolstoy. Sounds like there will be an essay due at the conclusion of the film.

Youth In Revolt: A Michael Cera comedy which apparently sat on the shelf for about three years. Always a good sign. The weekend it opened, I actually saw Cera in the lobby of the Arclight. And I think even he was going to see something else.

Invictus: Seen it. Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. It's a true story, but it still seems like I've seen the same sports film about fifteen times previously. The problem with the movie is that, if you don't know the rules of rugby, the last half-hour is completely lost on you.

The Hurt Locker: In an attempt to drum up interest for the Oscar voters, this terrific film is making the rounds again. A great action movie that was surprisingly and amazingly directed by a woman.

Nine: After reading the horrible reviews, I would have to say "nein."

The White Ribbon: A German children's choir during World War I. It is being touted as a likely recipient of the Oscar for Best Foreign Film. I will see it because the trailer prominently features Martin Luther's hymn "A Mighty Fortress is our God." Interesting factoid: that is a German beer drinking song which Luther rewrote with more religious lyrics. Who says you don't learn anything in this blog?

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus: Just typing the title alone turned me off from ever seeing this movie.

Precious: As I predicted, the groundswell of liberal Hollywood is starting to move toward this hokum. And I still contend that the Golden Globes should have placed it in the Comedy category.

3 Idiots: The first one to chime in with am Obama/Pelosi/Reid reference wins.

The Young Victoria: I'll see it when she gets a little older.

Broken Embraces: By that director who only uses his last name. Almodovar!! As if there are a lot of people with that same last name.

That's all, folks! Note that I did that without stuttering.

Dinner last night: Salami sandwich and salad.