Mis-Inception

Yeeech!

Is there even such a word and is the spelling correct?

I yi yi yi yi yi yi.

Is that how they wrote a line for Ricky Ricardo in an "I Love Lucy" script?

That blew the big one!

Did we even know what that meant when we haphazardly called out that phrase at the schoolyard?

You think the opening to this entry makes no sense? Wait till you see "Inception."

If I simply said that I hated this movie, you might argue that I'm being too easy. Indeed, "Inception" is probably one of the worst movies I've seen in my life. And when you think that I might prefer "Susan Slade" with Connie Stevens and Troy Donahue over this, you get a sense of just how bad "Inception" is.

I went in with the lowest of expectations and they were quickly met. It was all downhill right after the welcoming usher said "sit back and enjoy Inception." Most friends of mine who have seen it (save for one) told me it was way overrated. But, still, I had to see with my own eyes. After all, I have heard talk of Oscars in the film's future.

Uh huh. In their dreams. Literally.

In reality, you don't see "Inception." You stare at it. Because none of the action on the screen makes any sense. Surprised? I shouldn't have been. This is the work of the criminally over-hyped director Christopher Nolan, who also helmed the outrageously bad "Dark Knight." I now calculate that I've devoted almost six hours of my life to his garbage and I want to know who I can see in his office that would get me that time back.

"Inception" is all about a bunch of idiots who somehow hi-jack and inject themselves into each other's dreams. One is looking for his father's last will and testament. Another is trying to ease the guilt over his wife's death and see if his children still have faces (at least that's the way I understood it). Nobody is bothering to look for the real thing that's missing, which is a coherent script. Nolan is credited with the writing as well, and what can you say about somebody whose first exposure to story structure might have been an episode of "Saved By the Bell?"

The cast hops aboard a ten-hour flight from Paris to Los Angeles, settles into first class, and immediately pops some Ambiens so they can commence to dreaming. The only rationale being that one of them discovered the in-flight movie was "Marmaduke." A film I didn't see, but is also perhaps several notches above "Inception."

In their dreams, one character is stuck in an elevator shaft, several others are submerged under water in a SUV, and still more are shooting it out under an avalanche. I looked at all these action sequences, which dominate the last two-thirds of the movie, and realized that it was as if somebody took the first reel of every James Bond film and edited them together two frames at a time. It is impossible to follow and "Inception" might be the first movie in history that needs a libretto.

There are actors being wasted here. Leonardo DiCaprio, while underwater, was undoubtedly flashing back to other better movies that waterlogged him. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, so good in last summer's "500 Days of Summer," is wasted here as is "Juno" star Ellen Page, who I keep inviting to the imaginary Hollywood dinner party I'm throwing. Michael Caine shows up for two scenes, but, then again, try naming one movie after the year 2000 where he didn't.

Marion Cotillard, recently an Oscar winner for playing chanteuse Edith Piaf, is also around for the fun. Ironically, one of the dream triggers is the famous Piaf song "Je Ne Regret Rien." Of course, nobody under the age of 40 gets this inside joke. I'm guessing that director Nolan didn't get it either.

When you put it all together, "Inception" is like looking in a toilet bowl in Houlihan's Tavern at 3AM. No matter how much you've drunk, it's still looks like shit.

Meanwhile, my dreams are nothing like what the people in this movie experience. Just last week, I imagined that the Dodgers, leading by seven runs in the eighth inning, somehow lost the game.

No, wait, that really happened?

Crap.

Dinner last night: Chicken tenders and risotto.