Noshing On The Emmys

The 62nd annual Emmy Awards were held on Sunday and we turn to our two favorite old Hollywood veterans, Saul and Hesse, as they kibitz about the telecast.

"Did you watch?"

"I was so confused. The Emmys were on at the same time as the Chabad telethon."

"No, no, no. They showed the Emmys live for once. None of that tape delay nonsense. You can doze earlier. Like an afternoon nap."

"I still did that thing with the Teebow. Skip all the commercials for all that new dead air premiering on NBC."

"How come a show saluting excellent television is always the worst program of the year."

"They showed a clock on the screen that told you if the show was running over. They wouldn't happen if Bud Collyer was in charge."

"The show was already running late a week ago."

"I tell you. The Emmys, not like the old days. When you'd get all dolled up and then head to the bar and listen to Betty White tell dirty jokes."

"She was there. Betty's never home anymore. She must have lost her house keys."

"Oy. Betty, enough already. Have you got a Kindle to read? Always making the schlep out. It's okay to watch on the couch with a tuna melt. Art's Deli delivers."

"Who was that pisher that was the host?

"Jimmy Fallon. He has a late night show on NBC."

"I haven't watched since Johnny was fooling around with Suzie Pleshette. God bless both of them."

"That Fallon was as funny as an enema with Drano. Running around in that white dinner jacket, playing his guitar. What? He's Trini Lopez?"

"And not even any good songs. Lemon tree, very pretty, yada, yada. Nothing!"

"The rabbis on Chabad carried a tune better."

"Jimmy was making all these jokes about twitting. Please, stop. Not everybody is playing with the computers all day."

"I still haven't figured out that, when somebody mentions a browser, they're not talking about my wife at Fred Segal's.

"Did you see Tom Hanks waddling around? He won for that Pacific thing. A little chubbsey, ubbsey, heh?"

"And the wife also not so fast to close up the bag of Funyons."

"What's Tom going to do with himself when he runs out of wars?"

"Maybe he can come to my house and watch me fight with my crazy housekeeper. I caught her down in the kitchen. Dancing with a Swifter mop and singing "Mr. Big Stuff.'"

"Who was that rodeo clown they kept showing in the audience?"

"No, no, that was somebody from a movie on HBO. Temple Grandin."

"That the synagogue on Wilshire?"

"No, no, that's her name. She did something with animals. And she's got autism."

"Autism? Is that with the feet?"

"You need to look it up on the world wide web.."

"I told you. I don't like the AOL."

"Who was that lunatic that was babbling all through her acceptance speech?"

"Julia Ormond."

"Tomato, tomatoe. Have my secretary call for a car that will take her back to Mars."

"Lady, you won an award for acting. You didn't find Jimmy Hoffa under your bed."

"Did you see that nice kid won for the Big Bang Theory?"

"Jim Parsons. Good for him. When I close my eyes, he reminds me of Tony Randall in 'Oh Men, Oh Women.'"

"So many of the others I had no clue who they were. There was somebody named January Jones?"

"That was a Shirley Temple movie, right?"

"I ask my grandkids who all these people are and they tell me to look on Facebook. I got no time to read another magazine."

"They gave George Clooney some Bob Hope award."

"Did George go to Vietnam with Joey Heatherton?

"No, I think he was schlepping around Haiti."

"With Joey Heatherton?"

"Nobody's seen her for years."

"I think we saw her at Jerry's Deli last month."

"No, you're thinking of Jamie Farr."

"Okay, him, I didn't schtupp."

"And did you see all those commercials about Oprah's last year? All those old clips."

"First, there's five chins. Then, there's two. Then, there's six. Oprah, meet the Amazing Randi."

"I won't be happy till she disappears altogether."

"Soon, she'll be forgotten. Just like Virginia Graham when she stopped doing 'Girl Talk.'"

"Why do we watch this shit every year? All we ever do is bitch, moan, and groan."

"Yeah, but I even donated money this year."

"To the Emmys?"

"No, the Chabad telethon. Aw, crap, I made the check out wrong. I get so confused."

Dinner last night: Chicken tenders at Islands.