Saul and Heshe Nosh on the Oscar Nominations

They've been here before and you've loved them.  My two favorite Hollywood grizzled veterans, Saul and Heshe.  They love to lunch and talk Tinseltown.  And here's what their noontime conversation at Greenblatt's Delicatessen might sound like today now that the Oscar nominations have been announced.

"Did you get up at 530AM this morning to listen?"

"I haven't been up at 530 in the morning since Angie Dickinson was schtupping JFK."

"You mean when Angie Dickinson was schtupping you..."

"I mean when Angie Dickinson was schtupping anybody.  530 in the morning?  I'm a chicken?"

"They announced the nominations this morning."

"I was on the treadmill.  I want to as long as that fresser Jack LaLanne.  Rumor is he's going to carry his own casket at the funeral."

"Focus, please.  The Oscars."

"Yeah, yeah.  Another year of nominations and I've seen none of the movies."

"I don't even read their mail anymore.  Besides, there's no AARP discount on dues."

"You see the movies that cleaned up with nominations?  The Social Network."

"Facebook, shmacebook.  I want a friend, I go to Musso and Frank's and ask for Manny the head waiter."

"Dirty martini, two olives.  That's how I get social."

"Did you see this 'Schwatza Schwan'?"

"What is that?  One of those foreign movies?"

"No.  'Schwatza Schwan.'  That ballet thing."

"Oy, the wife made me go.  Hello?  Where was Shirley MacLaine?  Where was Anne Bancroft?  Where was that skinny Russian?"

"I slept like a baby.  But, you gotta admit.  That Natalie Portman.  I wouldn't kick out of a Studebaker."

"But, with that eye make-up in the commercial.  A little too much Helena Rubinstein.  She thinks she's Virginia Graham?"

"How about that 'True Grit'?"

"Loved it.  Duke Wayne was the best.  I always wished he would have taken a swing at Jane Fonda."

"No, no, no.  The remake."

"Glen Campbell wasn't in it?  He was such a nice boy.  I think he runs the Coffee Bean down the block."

"You got egg salad in your ears?  They did that movie again.  With Jeff Bridges.  The eye patch and the whole mishegoss."

"That eye patch.  Moshe Dayan, line two.  Are they coming on the left?"

"Well, you must have seen 'Toy Story 3'?"

"Loved, loved, loved it.  But it was darker than this missus' hair thirty years ago."

"I thought so, too.  Toys sliding down to be burned in an incinerator.  Eichmann must be hiding at Pixar."

"And 'The King's Speech' was wonderful.  If the King stuttered, Norm Crosby could have done that part."

"No fooling,  Norm-i-la, fire that manager please."

"Annette Bening got nominated again."

"That gives her almost a month to find a comb.  Hello, Rite Aid on Sunset has them."

"Everybody's looking at her husband anyway.  Even I want to fuck Warren."

"I think I did."

"No, no, you're getting confused.  That was Dom DeLuise."

"Potato, potatoe.  All the same to me.  Like all those movies with those frecockta 3-D glasses."

"A headache like this I need?  All that shit looks the same as it did when Vincent Price was running in the House of Wax.  Oy."

"And, also, who needs to go to the movies and see somebody cut off their arm like in that hiking movie?"

"Cut at the elbow, extra lean, please.  Not interested.  With today's ticket prices, it's already an arm and a leg."

"Did you see that Inception?"

"That's Catholic, right?"

"No, no, the Leo DeCaprio movie with all the video game explosions.  I still don't know which end was up."

"Watched it at home and my end was up.  I was face down asleep on the couch."

"Oh, you did that Nitflax thing."

"Yeah, yeah, the red envelope in the mail.  The one that doesn't have the Ralph's coupons for Efferdent inside."

"Where is this world coming to?  Back when, you went out to see a double feature, you had a nice meal, and then maybe you got a little somethin' on the way home." 

"Today.  One movie.  The restaurant you like just closed up and so did the missus."

"Do I pick up the check or is it you?"

"Eh, neither.  Let's send it over to Larry King's table."

Dinner last night:  Chicken piccata.

Breaking News:  In my Oscar pool, my friend Dennis leads with 29 out of a potential 35 correct nomination pix.  I am in second, one behind.