Saul and Heshe Talk the Oscars

Our two favorite Hollywood veterans, Saul and Heshe, watched the Oscars on Sunday and here's what they had to say over coffee and scrambled eggs Monday morning.

"Oy."

"Oy."

"Such a headache it gave me.  I wouldn't wish on a Nazi."

"They wanted to go for the kids.  Make the Oscars hip.  With it."

"Next year, I hope we're without it."

"Who the hell hired those two altakockers to be the hosts?"

"The girl gave me a stiffie, but, as you know, I'm always partial to a hefty blonde."

"No, no, that was James Franco in a dress."

"Oh.  He's a little light in the loafers?"

"No, but he sure was a little high.  Reminded me of when my wife mixes her Sinutab with Diet Coke.  Woo hoo.  The spinning.  Oy."

"Next stop for Franco.  Two and a Half Men.  There's an opening."

"What was with Anne Hathaway's eyelashes?  She got too close to the Christmas tree tinsel?"

"These kids, feh.  They don't know how to dress.  1945.  The Oscars.  Dotty Lamour in a sarong.   That makes my boxers stretch."

"They need to have a comic host."

"They brought out Billy Crystal for a few minutes."

"I said 'a comic.'  Not somebody whose hairline has parted like the Red Sea."

"Rat bastard."

"Rat bastard."

"And what the fuck with Kirk Douglas.  Vey iz mr!"

"Hello, Shalom Nursing Home, please keep better track of your patients."

"That old bastard wouldn't shut up.   Meanwhile, he's 94 and getting a facelift."

"I got a pitch for CBS.  A talk show with Kirk and Dick Clark.  The first episode runs three seasons."

"Kirkila, you got some chutzpah.  You want to open your big yap?  Tell us all about your grandson who's in jail, you miserable SOB."

"Rat bastard."

"Rat bastard."

"Meanwhile, the death roll call.  I'm still absent, knock wood."

"This would have a good year to die.   There were a bunch of nobodys."

"The year I die, please, no Celine Dion.  If you must, I request Jo Stafford.  Or maybe Gogi Grant."

"They left off Betty Garrett, hello.  A big star from MGM and she doesn't make the cut?" 

"Oh, sure, but Lena Horne they have plenty of time for.  Even though, for years, she was liquored up on Apple Jack."

"Rat bastard."

"Rat bastard."

"The fashions, oy.  Nobody knows how to dress anymore."

"Dotty Lamour in a sarong.  Now, that was..."

"You're repeating yourself again.  You got maybe that Oldtimers disease?"

"You see that Cate Blanchett?  What was with that costume?"

"She was dressed like a waitress from Dupar's.  I'll have the chicken pot pie and a glass of iced tea, please."

"It looked like she made this dress herself from one of those Simplicity patterns.  You know, the kind you cut out on the dining room table."

"And Helena Bonham Carter..."

"Oy."

"Oy."

"She had the flag of England stamped on her leg."

"It should have said 'postage due.'" 

"Please return this bundle to Britain."

"On the red carpet, when they asked her who she was wearing, she said 'Goodwill.'"

"That one who won the Best Supporting Actress.  She dropped the F-bomb."

"She talked bad about Frank Sinatra?"

"No, she said 'fuck.'"

"Hey, stupid, you can stop with the profanity.  The movie's over."

"And, besides, you're not going to get any nookie wearing Liberace's night shirt."

"Rat bastard."

"Rat bastard."

"Whoo, and the one who accepted the award for Foreign Film."

"Two bags and make them paper, please."

"You got an Oscar now, honey.  Use a little of the coin to get the schnozzola fixed."

"Yeah, she looks like Marlo Thomas at the junior prom."

"Did you ever see that Black Swan mishegoss?"

"Oy.  The wife thought she was going to see 'The Red Shoes?'  Who knew the reason the shoes were so red was because of the blood?"

"Nightmare in Swan Lake.  Where's Jamie Lee Curtis when you need her?"

"What about when Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem presented.  The white jackets?  They were maybe working for the caterer?"

"They looked like a gay couple making their first holy communion."

"Meanwhile, between those two, I wonder what the over/under is on the total number of women they've beaten."

"Somebody send a note to Annette Bening.  A ceiling fan is not a hair dryer."

"Seriously, the limo guy could have stopped for a comb at Walgren's.  There was one on the way."

"What happened to the hubby?  We should call him Warren Buffet."

"Hopefully, the Governor's Ball had a salad bar with some low fat dressing.  On the side."

"Stress eating.  Probably remembering the old days when he went to the Oscars and he wasn't the 'plus one.'"

"Then out came Oprah.  Like she has anything to do with the movies except to put extra butter on her popcorn."

"That Hathaway dame said we are all lucky to breathe the same air as she does."

"If Oprah just came from a meal at Roscoe's Chicken N'Waffles, I don't want to breathe any of the air around her."

"What was with all those ragamuffins at the end singing 'Over the Rainbow?'"

"That was PS 22 from Alto, wherever that is.  That's what one of the T-shirts said."

"No, no, Alto is what that kid was singing.  Some of their shirts said 'Soprano.'"

"Oh.  Because I thought I saw Edie Falco there someplace."

"Meanwhile, with all those urchins up there, somebody at the Academy better do a quick inventory on the flatware."

"Well, at least, the Academy went old Hollywood with the Best Picture.  The King's Speech.  My kind of movie."

"Yeah, not a single twenty-one-year old would be interested in it.  God bless."

"That shows those rat bastards.  We still count for something."

"Mazel tov.  Pass the ketchup."

Dinner last night:  Garden medley salad with chicken at BJ's.