Here we go again, gang. I sift through the movie pages of the Los Angeles Times and give you my knee-jerk reaction on the crap showing at your local multiplex this weekend. Maybe we should all get library cards so we can stay home and read a good book.
Battle - Los Angeles: More doomsday crap designed for the mindless moviegoer. The Marines battle aliens and I am rooting for the space creatures. The setting is completely laughable since I hear the movie was shot mostly in Louisiana.
Rango: Surprisingly, I am hearing very good things about this cartoon featuring Johnny Depp's voice in the lead role. It supposedly does a brilliant satire of Hollywood westerns and is geared more for adults who get the clever in-jokes. Hmmmm.
Kill the Irishman: An Irish thug works for the mob in Cleveland during the 70s. Also titled "Good O'Fellas."
Certified Copy: Juliette Binoche in some romantic yarn and the mere mention starts to make my eyelids droop.
Mars Needs Moms: Mothers are being abducted by Martians. Please take the unwed ones first.
Jane Eyre: Strictly for those who have a book report due on Monday.
The Human Resources Manager: After one of his employees is killed in a suicide bombing, the human resources manager of a Jerusalem bakery is sent to the victim's hometown to make amends. That's what happens when you look for employment on "Really Hot Jobs.Com."
Justin Bieber Never Say Never: Forgive me. Never.
Gnomeo and Juliet: That 3-D cartoon with a title that sounds like Shakespeare with a hairlip.
Hall Pass: Owen Wilson and need I say more? Pass, indeed.
Take Me Home Tonight: Topher Grace in this comedic look back at the 80s. Five points to the person who picks out the one word that doesn't belong in that sentence.
The Adjustment Bureau: Matt Damon in another movie where he is running away from somebody. With films like this, the person he should be fleeing is his agent.
Big Momma's - Like Father, Like Son: For all those assholes who are wondering why there aren't more Black Oscar nominees, I present "Exhibit A."
Just Go With It: Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler's romantic comedy is lingering in theaters like a sinus infection in search of some Zithromax.
Beastly: A teen version of "Beauty and the Beast." And here I thought this was going to be a documentary on the girls dorm at Fordham.
I Am Number Four: John is an extraordinary teen, masking his true identity and passing as a typical high school student to elude a deadly enemy seeking to destroy him. Three like him have already been killed ... he is Number Four. And here I thought this was going to be a documentary about Rusty Staub playing for the 1973 New York Mets.
Unknown: A man awakens from a coma, only to discover that someone has taken on his identity and that no one, (not even his wife), believes him. With the help of a young woman, he sets out to prove who he is. Liam Neeson stars and, if he has to make crappy movies like this to get over the untimely death of his wife, that's fine with me.
The King's Speech: What the hell are you waiting for? It really was the Best Picture of the Year. Every once in a while, Hollywood does get it right.
Black Death: Set during the time of the first outbreak of bubonic plague in England, a young monk is tasked with learning the truth about reports of people being brought back to life in a small village. Obviously, the London Walgren's ran out of the vaccine. And here I thought this was going to be a documentary on the death of Scatman Crothers.
I Am: Director Tom Shadyac speaks with intellectual and spiritual leaders about what's wrong with our world and how we can improve both it and the way we live in it. From that description, I Definitely Am Not.
Red Riding Hood: Set in a medieval village that is haunted by a werewolf, a young girl falls for an orphaned woodcutter, much to her family's displeasure. So much for the fairy tale. Hollywood fucking up another tried-and-true tale. The next thing you know, they'll remake "Snow White" and have the seven dwarfs all living in a West Hollywood condo.
Elektra Luxx: Life for porn actress Elektra Luxx gets turned upside down when she finds out she's pregnant. Hmmm. One please with a small popcorn and a medium Diet Coke.
The Fighter: If you want to see two grossly overrated performances that got Oscars, this is your movie.
Black Swan: If you want to see an Oscar-winning performance in a grossly overrated film, this is your movie.
Cedar Rapids: Tim Lippe has no idea what he's in for when he's sent to Cedar Rapids, Iowa to represent his company at an annual insurance convention, where he soon finds himself under the "guidance" of three convention veterans. I've heard surprisingly good things about this, but I have been duped before.
True Grit: I still don't understand how this lost the Cinematography Oscar to Inception, which was nothing more than video game graphics.
The Green Hornet: Seth Rogan and who's got a can of Raid? I think this was essentially a bomb at the box office and, just when you thought the moviegoing audience was nothing but a bunch of idiots, they turn around and reject a piece of garbage like this. Maybe there is hope after all.
Drive Angry 3D: A vengeful father escapes from hell and chases after the men who killed his daughter and kidnapped his granddaughter. Nicolas Cage stars and this means you won't hear a word the father says. Wasn't this movie made before? Charles Bronson? Death Wish? Hello?
Of Gods and Men: What happened to the mice?
Biutiful: I hear this movie is harrable.
Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives: Oh, yeah. I had an Uncle Fritz Who Liked to Play "Pull My Finger."
Dinner last night: Cervelat sandwich.
1 comment:
I saw "I Am Number Four" but I have an explanation.
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