Shark Officially Jumped

I'm one of those saps.

I used to love "American Idol."  In the very early days of this blog, I used to wax philosophically on each week's performance show.  As a matter of fact, one of the reasons I started "Len Speaks" was because I was envious of the wonderful comedic summaries that fellow blogger Ken Levine used to do on all the Idol latest and greatest news.  I never tried to copy what Ken could do brilliantly, but I wanted to. 

So, I knew that, as soon as Simon Cowell left the series, "American Idol" would unravel like an Old Navy cardigan sweater.  That would be no surprise.  And I also figured that the Simon-less version would be less interesting to me.  That also was no surprise.

I found myself not watching the six weeks or so of this year's audition shows.  I mean, how many times can you watch delusional Americans overly impressed with their own mediocrity?  Heck, we all do that every day of our lives.  But I did amble over to the show as soon as it started performance shows destined to weedle down the finalists to the coveted Top 10.  And, in a marginal way, I did get sucked in a bit.  In the process, I slowly began to discover just how much "American Idol" now sucked.

You can start with the highly-promoted overhaul of the judges.  Losing Simon was the equivalent of Clayton Kershaw getting his left arm stuck in the motor of a John Deere tractor.  On so many occasions this season, I was dying to hear Simon tell one of this year's schlubs to "pack your bags."  Logic and reason has completely left the void of the Idol judges.

Randy Jackson is the only holdover and he still has about as much substance as the stock guy at CVS.  Judging the viability of a singer's career?  Heck, I wouldn't trust him to tell me in which aisle I can find the Robitussin cough syrup.  This season, his critiques are about as hard-hitting as the wiffleballs you were underhanding to your kid brother in the back yard.  Randy loves EVERYBODY.

Meanwhile, we now meet Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler who are supposed to provide this well-established and knowledgeable presence to the show.  Huh?
Lopez came out of the kitchen barely warm several years ago and her career is now as cold and stale as the Klondike Bar you put in your freezer last summer.  Her last movie was?  Her last hit album was?  She sits mid-panel wearing eye liner that seemed to be on loan from the Frank Campbell Funeral Home.  She calls all the contestants "baby" and it always sounds like she's talking to her boyfriend through one of those bulletproof glass things in prison.  Most importantly, she rarely has anything constructive to say.  She loves EVERYBODY.

Steven Tyler now looks like Joan Rivers if she was a man.  That, of course, is a confusing statement to begin with, because Joan now looks more like a man than Steven Tyler does.  I'm so twisted now, but not as addled as most of Tyler's rantings on Idol.  He frequents expressions like "twitter thee dee" and he always sounds like Visitor's Day at Bellevue Hospital.  When you cut through the weird speech patterns, you quickly figure out that Steven has nothing to say.  He loves EVERYBODY.

As a result of this uber-lovefest, the audience can quickly discern that all these accolades are falling on one of the worst Idol finalist rosters ever.  The whole bunch is indistinguishable from each other and it looks like all the people who never got an audition to be on "Glee."

One chick is Pia and she's from Howard Beach, New York, so I give her a look.  She's also a fox so I give her about two dozen looks after that.  But she sings everything like Celine Dion and that's not a role model in my book.  Talk about your testosterone buzz kill.

James Durbin is a rocker with hair like that boy in "Diary of a Wimpy Kid."  Our heartstrings are tugged because he suffers from Asparger's and Tourette's as if one of those conditions wasn't enough.  But, when Hulk Hogan makes a surprise guest appearance, he kneels down in front of the wrestler and now all the afflictions in the world don't make him anything more than a moron to me.

Jacob Lusk is this year's token gay and Black contestant as if one designation wasn't enough.  Meanwhile, there is another Black chick called Naima Adedapo who has so much junk in her hair that I'm convinced her head got stuck in a clothesline with last Monday's wash.  She looks like Derek Jeter if he was a woman and she includes some African dance in every number she does.  That will be tough to manage the week she sings "Ave Maria."

Paul McDonald is unlikely to be the next American Idol but, given the smile, there may be a future selling Crest Whitening Strips.  My rule of thumb is that nobody with over 72 teeth in their head should get a recording contract.

This season's resident country music dork is Scotty McCreery and no one should use that first name unless you're a Little Rascal.  Scotty is sixteen but seems to be channeling Eddy Arnold from the grave.  A tough thing to do, since given this photo, he seems to be mid-stroke. 

The worst of the litter is Casey Abrams, who is this season's resident rabbinical student/former Keebler Elf.  The judges have been fawning over him since day one and the only rationale is that Jennifer Lopez must be mistaking him for Richard Dreyfuss.  Casey cannot sing a note, but, because he has been in and out of the hospital during the show with bouts of colitis, the judges love him.  Heck, I had colitis in college and it didn't help me sing any better. 

So, Casey's performances the last two weeks have been awful.  I mean "throw-a-shoe-at-the-cat-on-the-back-fence" bad.  America, which can sometimes get a national election right, wisely chooses him to be booted.  But, wait, not so fast.   The judges use their one and only season save to give Casey another chance.  The idiot is so overcome he virtually collapses at host Ryan Seacrest's knees and, at last, Ryan is finally taller than one of the contestants.

At that very moment in television history, "American Idol" jumped over the shark.

See ya.  Simon, when does the new show go on the air?

Dinner last night:  Garden medley salad at BJ's.