Or can I call you "Bud?" Maybe I should just address you the way I normally do.
"Shit for Brains."
I know that's a little harsh, but, let's face it, you've done a damn good job ruining the sport I've loved since I was seven years old. I'd need an EXCEL spreadsheet with double letters in the columns to list all the ways you have completely fucked up the national pastime.
Looking the other way with steroids.
Expanding the playoffs so that Game 7 of the World Series could coincide with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Letting the McCourts buy the Dodgers and then allowing the franchise to twist in the wind.
I could go on and on, but, frankly, I'm not sure you can read in the first place. You certainly didn't know how to run your own baseball team when you had one. Come on, a regular tradition at Milwaukee Brewer baseball games is a sausage race.
Even if you could read and sampled this blog every day, one thing you would learn about me is that I love sausage. On a plate or a bun. Not running around on a warning track. But, I suppose this passes for entertainment in Milwaukee, home to people don't have the good sense to move out of a city where the high temperature for the year is 33 degrees. You certainly deserve that franchise, Budster. A town that considers individually wrapped cheese slices a delicacy.
But, I digress. I'll pause for a second while you look up that word. Okay? Got it? Let's move it along.
I'm now reading that you, in your finite wisdom, have another light bulb ablaze in that noodle of yours. You want to even up the number of teams in each league. This would require moving two franchises from the National League to the American League.
Finally! Now you're cooking with gas, Bud.
I hear you're thinking about shifting teams like the Arizona Diamondbacks or the Houston Astros or the Florida Marlins.
Okay, you're on the right path, Bud. Don't screw it up now. Let me help you decide what to do here. You're a flying donkey. Let me see how long I can make you stay aloft. Because you've got the wrong teams moving. As a matter of fact, I have some ideas on which two franchises you can disband altogether.
Okay, okay, I can hear you now. You're thinking I'm going to nominate the Brewers for extinction after those snarky comments I just made about your daily Hillshire Farms Derby. Nope, not them.
And, no, I'm not talking the New York Yankees. Or the San Francisco Giants, although I wouldn't exactly sneer if you put that loopy bearded closer of theirs, Brian Wilson, in front of a fully armed firing squad. With that stupid Hasidic beard of his, you are virtually ignoring that the earliest sponsor of Major League Baseball in the 50s was Gillette.
What kind of message is he for American youth? Instead of dreaming about being a baseball player, one look at Wilson and some kid is liable to think he has a future in the Oklahoma City production of "Fiddler on the Roof."
But, I digress. Remember that word? We used it before.
Bud, I'm thinking about two franchises that have really lowered baseball standards to Captain Nemo-like depths. Destroy them now and you and I will be squared for life. No questions asked.
You can start with the Philadelphia Phillies. Yep, yep, I know. It's one of the oldest franchises in the majors. Going back to Connie Mack and all that shit. Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Destroy it.
First of all, based on the most detestable and stupid mascot in all of baseball, the Phillies need to disappear. Anybody that finds the Phanatic even remotely funny also probably laugh at close-ups of Abe Zapruder's home movies. Oh, look, there goes JFK's brain. LOL.
But, I digress. I'll pause for a second while you look up that word. Okay? Got it? Let's move it along.
I'm now reading that you, in your finite wisdom, have another light bulb ablaze in that noodle of yours. You want to even up the number of teams in each league. This would require moving two franchises from the National League to the American League.
Finally! Now you're cooking with gas, Bud.
I hear you're thinking about shifting teams like the Arizona Diamondbacks or the Houston Astros or the Florida Marlins.
Okay, you're on the right path, Bud. Don't screw it up now. Let me help you decide what to do here. You're a flying donkey. Let me see how long I can make you stay aloft. Because you've got the wrong teams moving. As a matter of fact, I have some ideas on which two franchises you can disband altogether.
Okay, okay, I can hear you now. You're thinking I'm going to nominate the Brewers for extinction after those snarky comments I just made about your daily Hillshire Farms Derby. Nope, not them.
And, no, I'm not talking the New York Yankees. Or the San Francisco Giants, although I wouldn't exactly sneer if you put that loopy bearded closer of theirs, Brian Wilson, in front of a fully armed firing squad. With that stupid Hasidic beard of his, you are virtually ignoring that the earliest sponsor of Major League Baseball in the 50s was Gillette.
What kind of message is he for American youth? Instead of dreaming about being a baseball player, one look at Wilson and some kid is liable to think he has a future in the Oklahoma City production of "Fiddler on the Roof."
But, I digress. Remember that word? We used it before.
Bud, I'm thinking about two franchises that have really lowered baseball standards to Captain Nemo-like depths. Destroy them now and you and I will be squared for life. No questions asked.
You can start with the Philadelphia Phillies. Yep, yep, I know. It's one of the oldest franchises in the majors. Going back to Connie Mack and all that shit. Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Destroy it.
First of all, based on the most detestable and stupid mascot in all of baseball, the Phillies need to disappear. Anybody that finds the Phanatic even remotely funny also probably laugh at close-ups of Abe Zapruder's home movies. Oh, look, there goes JFK's brain. LOL.
Over the years, I've heard one horror story after another about how disgusting Phillie fans are. Taunting women and small children with one obscenity after another. All the focus has been on that fan beating in the Dodger Stadium parking lot. Meanwhile, verbal assaults have been going on in the City of Brotherly Love since Johnny Callison was roaming the right field corner.
End this mayhem and kill this franchise please, Bud. Blow up the stadium. And, if you do it in the middle of Fan Appreciation Day, you get extra points from yours truly.
But, we're not done yet, Buddy boy. I've got another team you can dump off the planet while you're at it.
The Colorado Rockies.
Yes, you heard me. The Colorado Rockies. One of the more recent and...greatest mistakes in franchise awards. To a city that has virtually no business being included in Major League Baseball.
Because you regularly experience air bubbles in your head, you probably had no clue what that high altitude does to somebody's brain. Let's face it, Denver is loaded with people who don't have the good sense to move because they no longer even know where they are. Half the town still thinks that John Elway is the quarterback of the Denver Broncos. Bottom line: none of these tools will miss a baseball team if it's gone.
That bizarro air in Colorado has created a mockery of the sport we love. Even after storing the baseballs in a humidor, you still don't get balanced games. All of a sudden, Jamie Carroll can look like Babe Ruth and Clayton Kershaw looks like Jerry Hinsley? Who's Jerry Hinsley, you ask? Exactly, I respond.
The beauty of baseball is in its even, balanced contests. Impossible in Coors Field, where any games should be broadcast on the Military Channel. I just finished watching the Dodgers play a series there and their bullpen was so taxed that they needed Ron Perranoski to come out of retirement and pitch out of a bases loaded jam. Both teams ran out of pitchers and the games resembled mere shells of what they are supposed to be.
The sport should never have been allowed there in the first place. Bud, I'm not sure you were responsible for the original decision. But, you certainly could score points if you closed out baseball in Denver.
Look what else that would happen if you did that. We'd get to say goodbye to the second dumbest team mascot in all of baseball.
Does anybody even know what this thing is? Except that it prances around the ballpark like it's in a Gay Pride Parade on steroids. And, during the bottom of the seventh inning every game, it sits behind the home plate screen and taunts the opposing pitcher. A charming example of poor sportsmanship. I am waiting patiently for the Rockies to institute "High Powered Rifle Day." The 25,000 fans get a round of bullets and a scope. First one to splatter this thing all over the outfield gets a $100 gift card from the Sports Authority.
Okay, Bud, I'm anticipating your attention span, so let's review again. Philadelphia Phillies? They need to go. The Colorado Rockies? See ya.
See how easy that was.
Of course, given your track record, I have about as much faith in you making the right decision as I do in Ramon Troncoso getting anybody out ever.
That's right. Neither are going to happen anytime soon.
Sincerely,
Len Speaks
Dinner last night: Risotto with chicken, sweet potatoes, and peas.
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