193: ROMAN EMPEROR DIDIUS JULIANUS IS ASSASSINATED.
Julie Anus? Now that's funny. With a name like that, his murder must have been a blessing to his family.
987: HUGH CAPET IS ELECTED KING OF FRANCE.
Ka-pay? Er, not so funny. Leave it to the French to kill our fun.
1215: BEIJING, THEN UNDER THE CONTROL OF THE JURCHEN RULER EMPEROR XUANZONG OF JIN, IS CAPTURED BY THE MONGOLS UNDER GENGHIS KHAN, ENDING THE BATTLE OF BEIJING.
Xuanzong might be funny, too, if I could only pronounce it.
1495: FRIAR JOHN COR RECORDS THE FIRST KNOWN BATCH OF SCOTCH WHISKEY.
My new historical best friend.
1533: ANNE BOLEYN IS CROWNED QUEEN OF ENGLAND.
Clearly ahead of her time.
1648: THE ROUNDHEADS DEFEAT THE CAVALIERS AT THE BATTLE OF MAIDSTONE IN THE SECOND ENGLISH CIVIL WAR.
The Cavaliers were nothing after the departure of Lebron James the First.
1660: MARY DYER IS HANGED FOR DEFYING A LAW BANNING QUAKERS FROM THE MASSACHUSETTS BAY COLONY.
Talk about sticking your neck out.
1779: BENEDICT ARNOLD, A GENERAL IN THE CONTINENTAL ARMY DURING THE AMERICAN REVOLUTIONARY WAR, IS COURT-MARTIALED FOR MALFEASANCE.
Is there such a thing as good feasance?
1792: KENTUCKY IS ADMITTED AS THE 15TH STATE OF THE UNITED STATES.
Good news for all those tired of needing a passport to go see a horse race.
1796: TENNESSEE IS ADMITTED AS THE 16TH STATE OF THE UNITED STATES.
Good news because this means Ernie Ford was really an American citizen.
1812: THE WAR OF 1812 BEGINS AS US PRESIDENT JAMES MADISON DECLARES WAR ON THE UNITED KINGDOM.
Based on evidence that England was harboring "weapons of mass mutilation."
1813: JAMES LAWRENCE, THE MORTALLY-WOUNDED COMMANDER OF THE USS CHESAPEAKE, GIVES HIS FINAL ORDER---"DON'T GIVE UP THE SHIP."
"On second thought, who's got a bucket?"
1815: NAPOLEON SWEARS FIDELITY TO THE CONSTITUTION OF FRANCE.
That got him far, didn't it?
1869: THOMAS EDISON RECEIVES A PATENT FOR HIS ELECTRIC VOTING MACHINE.
And election fraud is invented.
1890: THE UNITED STATES CENSUS BUREAU BEGINS USING HERMAN HOLLERITH'S TABULATION MACHINE TO COUNT CENSUS RETURNS.
And census fraud is invented.
1916: LOUIS D. BRANDEIS BECOMES THE FIRST JEW APPOINTED TO THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT.
Guilty? Maybe? Maybe not?
1926: ACTOR ANDY GRIFFITH IS BORN.
I appreciate it and good night.
1926: ACTRESS MARILYN MONROE IS BORN.
And let the suicide watch begin.
1934: SINGER PAT BOONE IS BORN.
Birthday wishes in the sand.
1935: THE FIRST DRIVING TESTS ARE INTRODUCED IN THE UNITED KINGDOM.
For the first part of the century, everybody in the country had learners' permits.
1940: THE CITY OF NEW YORK ASSUMES FULL CONTROL OF THE CITY'S SUBWAY SYSTEM.
You mean it was up for grabs? I definitely would have tried to get the D train for myself.
1943: ACTOR LESLIE HOWARD DIES.
In a plane shot down by Germans. Really, really gone with the wind.
1953: "SON OF SAM" KILLER DAVID BERKOWITZ IS BORN.
And the lives of six poor schmucks are now doomed.
1960: PAULA HITLER, SISTER OF ADOLF, DIES.
Boy, it must have sucked to be her.
1968: HELEN KELLER DIES.
She had to see this coming.
1974: THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER FOR RESCUING CHOKING VICTIMS IS PUBLISHED FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Sad to see that nobody bothered to use it on the 2007 and 2008 New York Mets.
1980: CABLE NEWS NETWORK (CNN) BEGINS BROADCASTING.
And unbiased journalism begins its slow, horrific slide into oblivion.
2001: CARTOONIST HANK KETCHUM DIES.
"Hey, Mr. Wilson!"
2004: AUTHOR WILLIAM MANCHESTER DIES.
The Death of an Author.
2008: DESIGNER YVES SAINT LAURENT DIES.
YSL DOA.
2009: GENERAL MOTORS FILES FOR CHAPTER 11 BANKRUPTCY.
And GM DOA LOL.
Dinner last night: Bacon, cheese, and tomato frittata.
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