Our two favorite Hollywood oldtimers, Saul and Heshe, don't always confine their lunchtime conversation at Nate N' Al's to Tinseltown. Yesterday, their kibitz branched all the way to Broadway and beyond.
"The Tony Awards were on Sunday."
"Same day as the Gay Pride parade in Los Angeles. You and I were the only ones watching in the whole city."
"Even the missus was too busy. Playing with her Kindle and writing on the Facebook."
"The audience looked like the junior prom at Nathan Lane High School."
"Fagilas."
"That Neil Patrick Harris, though. He knows how to host a show. Hello, Wink Martindale, you got some competition."
"He can act. He can sing. He can dance. Somebody from Hollywood with talent. Who knew?"
"I'm so impressed that I'm suggesting to my temple that he be the cantor during the High Holy Days."
"Why the hell did they do the show at the Beacon Theater? If they consider that Broadway, they might as well have done it in New Rochelle."
"Maybe there was a good deal at Gray's Papaya after the show."
"Did you see any of the shows this year?"
"I haven't seen any of the shows since 1979. Was Ethel Merman even nominated?"
"Ethel Merman is dead."
"No Mary Martin? No Lauren Bacall? No Patti Lupone?"
"In order. Dead. Wish she was. And Lupone was up for something called 'Women on the Verge of a Mental Breakdown.'"
"So she was playing herself?"
"The big musical was 'The Book of Mormon.'"
"That about the Osmonds?"
"No, but those two nudniks from South Park wrote it."
"Oy."
"Oy."
"The Great White Way now has brown skid marks."
"Two schmucks who couldn't get a job writing for Danny Kaye."
"But the tourists are running to see it."
"The tourists are running because they just came from having dinner at the Olive Garden."
"Broadway pre-theater dinner, straight from the microwave. Where's my Pepcid?"
"Did they give anything to that Spiderman nonsense?"
"Charlie Sheen won for choreography. Just joshing. The show still hasn't opened."
"You would think they would have that fixed by now. My God, they managed to fly that Sandy Duncan around in Peter Pan."
"And she was doing that with just one eye. So, she would actually only see one half of the wall before she hit it."
"Oy."
"Oy."
"Broadway when it was magical. Where's Doug Henning when you need him?"
"Also, if you excuse the expression, dead."
"Did you see Brooke Shields try to read cue cards? Sylvan Learning Center on line two."
"What a waste of long legs on their way to an empty head. Like taking a wonderful sea voyage cruise and then finding out that you're docking in Detroit."
"That AIDs play cleaned up. But, then again, look at the voters."
"You want a guarantee to win a Tony Award? Try a play about either AIDs or schwatzahs and start writing your acceptance speech."
"Maybe you can stack the deck. A comedy about Sherman Hemsley coming out of the closet."
"Big winner!"
"Somebody won and his name was Norbert Leo Butz."
"God bless. Who the hell is he?"
"Who cares? With a name like that, he's like gold in my Filofax."
"But that name on a Broadway marquee? Not so much. I thought Jerry Orbach was too Jewish."
"There's one play now called 'Motherfucker with the Hat.' Now there's one that's not offering discounts for your senior citizen tour groups from Scarsdale."
"Oy."
"Oy."
"If they remade it today, they'd call it 'Fuck You, Dolly.'"
"I blame the Internet."
"Me, too. And that Twitter thing. That Congress shlemiel from New York. Putting his business up there on the World Wide Web."
"With a name like his, you would think he'd send pictures of another body part. The jokes were too easy."
"Even Conan managed to get laughs."
"Sharing his thing with girls all over the place. Shame on him. That's something that should be private."
"Something reserved for your wife, your shiksa, and your moyl."
"Mazel."
"Mazel. And pass the ketchup."
Dinner last night: Short rib taco at Pink Taco.
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