49 BC: JULIUS CAESAR'S GENERAL GAIUS SCRIBONIUS CURIO IS DEFEATED IN THE SECOND BATTLE OF THE BAGRADAS RIVER BY THE NUMIDIANS UNDER PUBLIUS ATTIUS VARUS AND KING JUBA OF NUMIDA.
I look at that sentence and now I totally realize why I got a C+ in World History during the tenth grade.
79: MOUNT VESUVIUS ERUPTS, BURYING CITIES AROUND IT IN VOLCANIC ASH.
Can you imagine the FEMA payouts that would come out of this mess?
410: THE VISIGOTHS UNDER ALARIC BEGIN TO PILLAGE ROME.
Why? Because they could.
1200: KING JOHN OF ENGLAND, SIGNEE OF THE FIRST MAGNA CARTA, MARRIES ISABELLA OF ANGOULEME IN BORDEAUX CATHEDRAL.
And I had to work really, really hard to get that C+.
1215: POPE INNOCENT III DECLARES MAGNA CARTA INVALID.
I'd love to see the headline if this Pope ever got convicted of a crime. "Innocent Guilty."
1349: SIX THOUSAND JEWS ARE KILLED IN MAINZ AFTER BEING BLAMED FOR THE BUBONIC PLAGUE.
Probably because George Bush wasn't around to take the fall.
1391: JEWS ARE MASSACRED IN PALMA DE MALLORCA.
I see a pattern forming.
1456: THE PRINTING OF THE GUTENBERG BIBLE IS COMPLETED.
Most people were waiting for the paperback.
1572: ON THE ORDERS OF KING CHARLES IX OF FRANCE, A MASSACRE OF HUGUENOTS (FRENCH PROTESTANTS) BEGINS.
And a sigh of relief from all Jews in France.
1682: WILLIAM PENN RECEIVES THE AREA THAT IS NOW THE STATE OF DELAWARE AND ADDS IT TO HIS COLONY OF PENNSYLVANIA.
I did get a B+ in American History during the eleventh grade, but I still didn't know anything about this.
1690: CALCUTTA, INDIA IS FOUNDED.
Let the outsourcing begin!
1814: BRITISH TROOPS INVADE WASHINGTON, DC AND BURN DOWN THE WHITE HOUSE AND SEVERAL OTHER BUILDINGS.
Can this happen again? Fingers crossed...
1831: CHARLES DARWIN IS ASKED TO TRAVEL ON HMS BEAGLE.
A very, very slow news day.
1891: THOMAS EDISON PATENTS THE MOTION PICTURE CAMERA.
So let's blame him for the latest edition of Transformers.
1909: WORKERS START POURING CONCRETE FOR THE PANANA CANAL.
The very first "shovel ready" project.
1912: ALASKA BECOMES A UNITED STATES TERRITORY.
And people were impressed because, allegedly, you could see Russia from there.
1912: TV PERSONALITY DURWOOD KIRBY IS BORN.
Smile, you're on Candid Camera. I mention him only because I know one reader is laughing hysterically at this uber-inside joke. The rest of you can simply continue on.
1917: TV PERSONALITY DENNIS JAMES IS BORN.
In an odd connection, his name immediately conjures up images of people afflicted with cerebral palsy.
1932: AMELIA EARHART BECOMES THE FIRST WOMAN TO FLY ACROSS THE UNITED STATES NON-STOP.
And, since she was a greedy little bugger, she couldn't stop there. I bet she learned her lesson.
1944: DURING WORLD WAR II, ALLIED TROOPS BEGIN THE ATTACK ON PARIS.
Croissants for everybody!!!
1947: ACTRESS ANNE ARCHER IS BORN.
I mention this only because I always thought she was a fox.
I'm just sayin'.
1950: EDITH SAMPSON BECOMES THE FIRST BLACK US DELEGATE TO THE UNITED STATES.
Well, they've just cracked baseball. Why not???
1960: BASEBALL STAR CAL RIPKEN JR. IS BORN.
Unlike his baseball stats, his consecutive days alive streak is still intact.
1967: LED BY ABBIE HOFFMAN, A GROUP OF HIPPIES TEMPORARILY DISRUPT TRADING AT THE NYSE BY THROWING DOLLAR BILLS FROM THE VIEWING GALLERY.
Peace and love? Phooey.
1981: MARK DAVID CHAPMAN IS SENTENCED TO 20 YEARS TO LIFE IN PRISON FOR MURDERING JOHN LENNON.
Does this mean he's eligible to be on next season's "Dancing with the Stars?"
1989: CINCINNATI REDS MANAGER PETE ROSE IS BANNED FROM BASEBALL FOR GAMBLING BY COMMISSIONER A. BARTLETT GIAMATTI.
Will Rose ever get in the Hall of Fame? What are the Vegas odds, please?
1995: MICROSOFT RELEASES ITS WINDOWS 95 OPERATING SYSTEM.
Just like Amelia Earhart, if only they had stopped right there.
1998: ACTOR E.G. MARSHALL DIES.
Well, we know that E.G. didn't stand for "ever green."
2004: PSYCHIATRIST ELISABETH KUBLER-ROSS DIES.
She was an expert on the grieving process. I hope her family was paying attention.
Dinner last night: Beef, chicken, and shrimp combo dish at Benihana of Tokyo.
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