Of course, it's tough to keep any moviehouse going when Hollywood releases one dud after another. This weekend is no different. If you choose to don your Hazmat suit and venture out to the cinema, this is what you need to know. You've seen the drill before. I'll sift through the movie pages of the Los Angeles Times and give you the honest-to-God truth about the garbage that's out there right now.
Crazy, Stupid, Love: Why see the movie? They've just summed up the entire plot in three words.
The Help: I hear this doesn't play on Thursdays. Nor does it do windows. Another one of those "touchy feely" movies on race relations where all the Blacks are saints and all the White folks are despicable. A great place to hide when the local flash mob gathers outside the theater.
The Change-Up: Ryan Reynolds, Jason Bateman, and, if you're looking for the best change-up ever, Jim Bouton.
Glee The 3D Concert Movie: Uncle!
Final Destination 5: They've made five of these things already, so the final destination is hardly final.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes: I hear this is a decent version of the old franchise and these chimps are probably more civilized than your local flash mob. See my comments on The Help above.
Cowboys and Aliens: The sequel will be Cowboys and Illegal Aliens and filmed down on the border between Texas and Mexico.
30 Minutes or Less: This is either a movie about kids blowing up shit or Rachael Ray making a quick meal of spaghetti and meatballs.
The Smurfs in 3D: As opposed to the suspected terrorists living upstairs in 4G.
Captain America - The First Avenger: Been there, hated that.
Cars 2: Pixar actually made a movie I didn't want to see.
Spy Kids - All The Time in the World in 4D: 4D??? Crap, I've ignored an entire dimension.
One Day: Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess in a story that tracks the relationship between a man and a woman over the course of 20 years. So, why isn't the title "Two Decades?" Sometimes, Hollywood can be so confusing.
Fright Night: A teenager suspects that his new neighbor is a vampire. Colin Farrell stars, which means the new neighbor also probably needs a haircut as well.
Conan The Barbarian: He's back, but this time, he's not played by America's favorite governor/philandering husband/nanny impregnator. For a moment, I thought this was another documentary about the late night host as told from the perspective of his personal assistant.
The Hedgehog: Some self-conscious junk from the idiots of France. A girl is determined to kill herself on her 12th birthday. Most kids would just be happy to get a clown who makes balloon animals.
Griff the Invisible: Griff, office worker by day, superhero by night, has his world turned upside down when he meets Melody, a beautiful young scientist who shares his passion for the impossible. The box office take may be just as invisible.
Cafe: When tragedy strikes the community surrounding a cafe in West Philadelphia, the cafe's regulars come to realize how intertwined their lives truly are. Tragedy in Philadelphia generally means that the local cheesesteak place has run out of caramelized onions.
Horrible Bosses: Been there, sort of enjoyed it. There are worse ways to beat the heat.
Sarah's Key: In modern-day Paris, a journalist (Kristen Scott Thomas) finds her life becoming entwined with a young girl whose family was torn apart during the notorious Vel' d'Hiv Roundup in 1942. There are easier ways to take a nap.
Friends with Benefits: Given the economy, it's hard to find anybody with benefits these days.
The Devil's Double: A chilling vision of the House of Saddam Hussein comes to life through the eyes of the man who was forced to become the double of Hussein's sadistic son. Terrorism meets the Parent Trap.
Mozart's Sister: The early life of Maria Anna 'Nannerl' Mozart (Marie Féret), five years older than Wolfgang (David Moreau) and a musical prodigy in her own right. And the French word for "yawn" is "bailler."
Born and Bred: Born and Bred is a feature-length documentary film chronicling the lives of a new generation of young boxers fighting for their place in the American boxing capital of Los Angeles. And the Spanish word for "yawn" is "bostezo."
Battle for Brooklyn: A documentary that chronicles the neighborhood response to the polarizing Atlantic Yards development project. One of those flicks that sounds like it could be entertaining and educational at the same time. On my list.
Amigo: A fictional account of events during the Philippine-American War. John Sayles directed and this means it's dull and pretentious. Not on my list.
Darwin: A documentary feature about an isolated community at the end of a weathered road in Death Valley, California. Propelled from society by tragic turns, the people of Darwin (population 35) must now find ways to coexist in a place without a government, a church, jobs, or children. Once again, the most interesting movies out there are documentaries that take you to a place you would never visit on your own.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2: Sorry, gang, still not on board. I actually Netflixed the first film in a valient effort to catch up with everybody. I fell asleep halfway through.
Midnight in Paris: Hanging around longer than Woody Allen outside a private high school for girls.
The Whistleblower: Rachel Weisz in a drama based on the experiences of Kathryn Bolkovac, a Nebraska cop who served as a peacekeeper in post-war Bosnia and outed the U.N. for covering up a sex scandal. Post-war Bosnia? Who gives a shit? Sex scandal? Hmmmmm.....
The Guard: An unorthodox Irish policeman with a confrontational personality is teamed up with an uptight FBI agent to investigate an international drug-smuggling ring. Brendon Gleeson and Don Cheadle star. Can there once be a movie without an Irish guy being either a cop or a bartender?
Gun Hill Road: An ex-con returns home to the Bronx after three year in prison to discover his wife estranged and his teenage son exploring a sexual transformation that will put the fragile bonds of their family to the test. I'm digging the title because I know Gun Hill Road well. Of course, the damn thing was probably shot in Vancouver.
Transformers - Dark of the Moon: Still hanging around. Are the garbage men on strike?
Dinner last night: Steak and broccoli.
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