Saul and Heshe's Oscar Nomination Morning Breakfast

Our two favorite Hollywood veterans, Saul and Heshe, didn't get up in time to hear the Oscar nominations this morning.  But, I'm betting they're chatting them up over bagels, lox, and a schmeer at breakfast.

 "Oy.  It's so goddamn early.  Why are we eating breakfast now?  I didn't finish burping up my dinner."

"You on the Prilosec?"

"Nah, the Tums I pop like crazy.  I should grind them in the Cuisinart and make them into a smoothie."

"It's the big Hollywood morning.  The Oscar nominations and all that mishigoss."

"Big deal and excuse me for that last belch.  Wow, that's last night's cucumber salad."

"Let's see.  What have we got this year?  Did you see the silent movie?"

"That Mel Brooks thing with Marty Feldman.  It's on the Encore all the time."

"No, no, there's a new one and it got a lot of nominations.  Made by the French and, you'll pardon the expression, that rat bastard Harvey Weinstein."

"If I wanted to see a silent movie, I think I still got Buster Keaton in my rolodex." 

"He's been dead since 1965."

"So are most of the people in my rolodex."

"You should put all that personal stuff in one of those iPads."

"I need one of those things like I need another peptic ulcer.  Just one more thing for the missus to break."

"Woody Allen is up again."

"Taking the Viagra?"

"No, he made that Midnight in Paris.  I saw it.  He's still got it in him."

"And he's still got it in the teenager.  Taking the Viagra."

"What about The Help?"

"Mine stinks and she won't do laundry."

"I meant the movie.  About all those housekeepers in the South."

"Oy.  More hand wringing by the schvatzas.  You never heard Hattie McDaniel bitch and moan when she was at the Oscars."

"That's because they made her sit in the kitchen at the Cocoanut Grove."

"Meryl Streep was Margaret Thatcher."

"Well, somebody had to do it and I guess Joanne Worley was busy."

"The Iron Lady."

"You mean the bitch that was my first wife."

"No, no, that's the name of the Streep movie."

"Clooney is nominated again for some movie set in Hawaii."

"Every year now for that little pisher.  Who knew?"

"He must get laid a lot."

"Obviously, he never met the bitch that was my first wife."

"There is something called the Tree of Life."

"Yeah, the board game that Art Linkletter invented."

"No, it's really a movie.  And it's like six days long."

"Just like the war in 1967.  I'd rather sit through that than see this dreck with Brad Pitt Schmitt."

"He's nominated, too.  For that Moneyball."

"Baseball movie.  I swore them off since I saw Bill Bendix play Babe Ruth."

"Oy."

"Oy."

"Glenn Close got nominated for something called Albert Nobbs.  Impersonating a man."

"Well, then, Albert had some knobs.  Speaking of which, I wonder whatever happened to Pamela Tiffin."

"Oy vey iz mir.  Your mind is wandering around like it's on the desert."

"I'd love to wander around the desert with Pamela Tiffin.  Va-va-voom.  And I would not need the Viagra, Wood-ila."

"Thank God this year none of that 3-D chazzerai is nominated."

"Oy."

"Oy."

"3-D, Schmee-dee.  It don't work.  And when I have those big friggin' glasses on, I look like Carlo Ponti."

"But the little kiddies like it.  Me, it's a headache I wouldn't wish on my proctologist."

"At least Billy Crystal is hosting this year."

"Isn't he dead?"

"Not according to Imdeebeebeedee.  Or whatever they call that mishigoss on the World Wide Web."  

"I looked myself up on it.  I'm still here."

"Me, too.  L'chaim!"

Dinner last night:  Chili.