Now that's the way to see a movie. In Cinemascope 55. I'm sure that became Cinemascope 56 the very next year.
The way we see movies in 2012 is not nearly as much fun. Because the films are not nearly as much fun. But, if you insist on finding a flicker this weekend, here's your handy dandy guide to sorting out the junk playing in our multiplexes. I'll flip through the Los Angeles Times movie pages and give you my knee jerk reaction to what's out there ready to burn your retinas.
The Artist: Everybody's talking about it. Except me. And, of course, the people in the movie.
Carnage: I saw this screen adaptation of the award winning play "Gods of Carnage." I never saw it on Broadway. This is clearly an idea that works better on stage than on the silver screen. All the characters are so annoying that you would rather watch a Republican Presidential debate. Plus it runs an hour and 19 minutes. There are Disney cartoons that take up more time on the screen.
We Bought A Zoo: And, from what I can see, very few people bought tickets.
Contraband: To protect his brother-in-law from a drug lord, Mark Wahlberg heads to Panama to score millions of dollars in counterfeit bills. What? He can't get enough from that syndication deal for "Entourage?"
The Iron Lady: On my list purely for Meryl Streep's supposedly bravura performance as Margaret Thatcher. Except I hear the movie is quite mediocre.
Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol: Well, shut my mouth. Having hated the first one in the franchise and not seeing the sequels, I somehow wound up seeing this fourth chapter. And loved it. It was like two episodes of "24" tied together. But, have no fear, Keifer Sutherland. You can still act rings around the consistently one-note Tom Cruise.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: How did Len see this movie? I was waiting for Toyota to put two new tires on my car. I had three hours to kill and there's a movie theater right next door to the dealership. Timing wise, it was between this and Alvin and the Chipmunks - Chipwrecked. So, there. Meanwhile, this David Fincher swill is cold, dark, violent, and dirty. The Chipmunks never looked so good.
Alvin and the Chipmunks - Chipwrecked: Compared to the tattoo chick, how bad could you have been?
War Horse: I hear this is classic Spielberg over-directing to epic proportions. But, a good sign is that, for once, there are no sharks, dinosaurs, or Jews in a concentration camp.
Beauty and the Beast - 3D: I'm going on record. I don't think 3-D works. There. I said it.
Sherlock Holmes - A Game of Shadows: This got tons of American dollars over the holidays. None of it from my wallet, thank God. Anybody who enjoys this incarnation of the great detective is too stupid to read the original books by Sr. Arthur Conan Doyle.
Joyful Noise: Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah in what looks to be a cross between an episode of "Green Acres" and "Glee."
We Need to Talk About Kevin: Tilda Swinton as a mother who tires to come to terms when her son commits an unspeakable act. Finally getting a wide release after it opened briefly last year in Hollywood to enable Swinton to qualify for an almost-certain Oscar nomination. As for me, please don't make me see the film to find out what the unspeakable act is. I will gladly accept spoilers.
Carol Channing - Larger Than Life: A documentary on Broadway's legendary Dolly. Don't judge me if I go to see this.
Underworld - Awakening: When human forces discover the existence of the Vampire and Lycan clans, a war to eradicate both species commences. The vampire warrioress Selene leads the battle against humankind. So, there was another movie before this? People know who Selene is? Where have I been? Apparently not at any theater playing this shit.
Man on a Mission: A documentary that tells the story of legendary computer game developer Richard Garriott's spaceflight in October 2008. Officially the dumbest idea ever for a documentary. Not counting, of course, anything by Michael Moore.
Coriolanus: A banished hero of Rome allies with a sworn enemy to take his revenge on the city. Directed by Ralph Fiennes and a co-writing credit for William Shakespeare, who I didn't think was still working. He must be trying to keep his WGA health benefits.
The Adventures of Tintin: Please insert gaping yawn. What's worse than a Steven Spileberg over-directed epic? A Spielberg over-produced cartoon.
The Devil Inside: In Italy, a woman becomes involved in a series of unauthorized exorcisms during her mission to discover what happened to her mother, who allegedly murdered three people during her own exorcism. Paging Father Merrin. This stuff was done much better years ago by director William Friedkin. Skip this and rent "The Exorcist" in Blu-Ray.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: Reviewed here earlier this week. If you have short term memory issues, can I suggest some Gingko Biloba?
Film Socialisme: This three-part film portrays scenes aboard a Mediterranean cruise ship, a French family home, and moments throughout human history. If that sounds weird, it was also directed by the over-rated Jean-Luc Godard. What's the French word for "nap?"
Red Tails: A crew of African American pilots in the Tuskegee training program, having faced segregation while kept mostly on the ground during World War II, are called into duty under the guidance of Col. A.J. Bullard. Produced by George Lucas, who bitched to high heaven how much trouble he had getting a release for a smart movie about African-Americans. For that, he has to thank Tyler Perry, Martin Lawrence, and any film with the word "booty" in the title.
Haywire: A black ops super soldier seeks payback after she is betrayed and set up during a mission. Directed by Steven Soderbergh and it stars Gina Carano. Yeah, I asked the same question. Who the hell is she???
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: I hear the movie forgot to include one more occupation. Intepreter. I understand that folks are struggling to understand all the fast-talking Brits.
Loosies: A young pickpocket in the New York subways, living a fast, free, lifestyle is confronted by a woman with whom he had a one night affair. From that plot description, it doesn't sound like I will love Loosies.
Miss Bala: The story of a young woman clinging on to her dream to become a beauty contest queen in a Mexico dominated by organized crime. How will she be able to keep her tiara on as she hops the border fence?
The Flowers of War: The always hammy Christian Bale as a Westerner who finds refuge with a group of women in a church during Japan's rape of Nanking in 1937. Posing as a priest, he attempts to lead the women to safety. If you're cooped up with a bunch of ladies, why would you pose as a priest? That takes all the fun out of this movie.
Young Adult: Jason Reitman directing and Diablo Cody writing the script. How could this go wrong? Well, trust me, it does. A huge, huge disappointment.
The Descendants: Soon to be riding the crest of Oscar nominations. As written here before, this is nothing but a Lifetime movie with a bigger production budget.
Dinner last night: Pepperoni pizza from Maria's Italian Kitchen.
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