Today's Guest Joke Writer - The Federal Government

Hey, I can't do the funny stuff every day.  I'll let the comedy be written today by our own Federal Government.  With these wonderful examples of how our tax dollars were spent in 2011.  

Oh, I won't be completely silent.  I'll have something to say after each one.

IN 2011, 2.6 MILLION DOLLARS WERE SPENT ON PROGRAMS TO HELP CHINESE PROSTITUTES TO DRINK MORE RESPONSIBLY ON THE JOB.

Me, here.  I had no idea that alcoholism was so high amongst Chinese hookers.  And, frankly, what difference does it really make?  Drunk or not drunk, she's not going to love as long as she said she will.

IN 2011, FEDERAL EMPLOYEES EXPENSED $146 MILLION DOLLARS TO UPGRADE TO BUSINESS CLASS ON AIRPLANE FLIGHTS.

I'm back and this one really hits me in the ole bread basket.  I spend lots of dough out of my own pocket to do the same thing.  And I'm not asking you to supply with dollars for extra leg room and food that is edible. 

OVER ONE RECENT 18 MONTH PERIOD, AIR FORCE AND NAVY PERSONNEL USED GOVERNMENT-FUNDED CREDIT CARDS TO CHARGE AT LEAST $102,400 ON ADMISSION TO ENTERTAINMENT EVENTS, $48,250 ON GAMBLING, $69,300 ON CRUISES, AND $73,950 ON EXOTIC DANCE CLUBS AND PROSTITUTES.

A-ha, so that's why they want to make sure the hookers are sober.  They're costing a shitload of money.  And we wonder why President Obama just made all monetary cuts in spending for the military?

THE U.S. COVERNMENT SPENT 3 MILLION DOLLARS TO ADD NEW SAND TO AMERICAN BEACHES.

I guess it's too easy to simply import sand at a lower price from the Mideast.

THE U.S. GOVERNMENT FUNDED $550,000 FOR A DOCUMENTARY ON HOW ROCK MUSIC CONTRIBUTED TO THE END OF THE SOVIET UNION.

How about some money for a documentary on how wasteful government spending will contribute to the end of the United States?

THE U.S GOVERNMENT SPENT 1.8 MILLION DOLLARS TO BUILD A PRIVATE GOLF COURSE IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA.

Par for the course.

THE U.S. GOVERNMENT SPENT $60,000 AN HOUR TO PHOTOGRAPHERS CREATING PHOTO OPS OF AIR FORCE ONE IN FRONT OF NATIONAL LANDMARKS.

I have an easy solution for this.  One word.  Photoshop.

THE U.S. GOVERNMENT SPENT $10 MILLION TO DEVELOP A REMAKE OF SESAME STREET FOR PAKISTAN.

Wow, this is important.  Because we all know lots of terrorists are harbored there.  And we certainly want to teach their kids how to count.  3, 2, 1,........EXPLOSION!

THE U.S GOVERNMENT PROVIDED ALMOST ONE MILLION DOLLARS FOR A RESEARCH STUDY ON HOW PAYING ATTENTION IMPROVES JOB PERFORMANCE.

My father told me to pay attention all the time.  I did.  I never gave him a dime, but did take him out to dinner on Father's Day.

THE U.S. GOVERNMENT DISTRIBUTED 2.5 MILLION DOLLARS OF STIMULUS CHECKS TO 10,000 AMERICANS WHO JUST HAPPEN TO BE DEAD.

And I'm going to be really pissed if I wind out my parents got one.

THE U.S. GOVERNMENT PROPORTIONED 3.4 MILLION DOLLARS TO BUILD A WILDLIFE ECO-PASSAGE IN FLORIDA TO TAKE ANIMALS SAFELY UNDER A BUSY HIGHWAY.

But road kill is a part of America.  How dare you deny us the right to see a squirrel wearing some Goodyear radials across his furry back?  So, in Florida, they've made it easier for critters to get from one place to another.  Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, there's a bus system that's not fit for either man or beast.

FOUR MILLION DOLLARS SPENT WITH TAXPAYER DOLLARS FOR OBAMA FAMILY CHRISTMAS VACATION IN HAWAII.

Now I certainly don't begrudge a President's vacation during the holidays.  They all do it.  But, the difference is that most other Chief Executives go home to their own compounds.  This guy runs up a hotel or condo tab.  Can I suggest that the Obamas consider a nice Christmas celebration in their home district of South Chicago?  Oh, wait.  With the worst crime rate in the country, that might not be a good idea.  As if he didn't already ignore that fact when he was running the place years ago.

I wish I could say I'm making this stuff up.  But, sadly....

Dinner last night:  Gnocchi with proscuitto and peas.