46 BC: JULIUS CAESAR DEFEATS TITUS LABIENUS IN THE BATTLE OF RUSPINA.
Big lossius.
1490: ANNA OF BRITTANY ANNOUNCES THAT ALL THOSE WHO WOULD ALLY WITH THE KING OF FRANCE WILL BE CONSIDERED GUILTY OF THE CRIME OF LESE MAJESTE.
My friend's dad used the expression "lese majeste" all the time. I accused him of making it up. I lose.
1642: KING CHARLES I OF ENGLAND SENDS SOLDIERS TO ARREST MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT, COMMENCING ENGLAND'S SLIDE INTO CIVIL WAR.
If England still owned us, would they arrest members of Congress? A boy can dream, can't I?
1643: PHILOSOPHER ISAAC NEWTON IS BORN.
Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me.
1649: DURING THE ENGLISH CIVIL WAR, THE RUMP PARLIAMENT VOTES TO PUT CHARLES I ON TRIAL.
How good a government body can they be if they are named after such an inferior cut of beef?
1717: THE NETHERLANDS, GREAT BRITAIN, AND FRANCE SIGN THE TRIPLE ALLIANCE.
Being friends with France, the Brits will pay for this dearly over 200 years later.
1762: GREAT BRITAIN DECLARES WAR ON SPAIN AND NAPLES.
This such is a popular date for the United Kingdom, isn't it?
1785: FOLKLORIST JACOB GRIMM IS BORN.
Since when does "fairy tale writer" translate to "folklorist?"
1809: BLIND TEACHER LOUIS BRAILLE IS BORN.
And thanks to him, we can actually feel what floor our elevator has stopped on.
1847: SAMUEL COLT SELLS HIS FIRST REVOLVER PISTOL TO THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.
And, somewhere, Charlton Heston was smiling.
1854: THE MCDONALD ISLANDS ARE DISCOVERED BY CAPTAIN WILLIAM MCDONALD.
Oddly enough, his crew would lunch that day at Burger King.
1865: THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE OPENS ITS PERMANENT HEADQUARTERS ON WALL STREET.
The original Occupyers.
1884: THE FABIAN SOCIETY IS FOUNDED IN LONDON.
Not to be outdone, Italy also establishes a Frankie Avalon fan club.
1885: THE FIRST SUCCESSFUL APPENDECTOMY IS PERFORMED BY WILLIAM W. GRANT.
Which sounds like there were a shitload of unsuccessful ones before this.
1896: UTAH IS ADMITTED AS THE 45TH U.S STATE.
The Osmonds had to live someplace.
1903: TOPSY, AN ELEPHANT, IS ELECTROCUTED BY THOMAS EDISON DURING THE WAR OF CURRENTS CAMPAIGN.
Rhetorical question: just how many volts do you need to kill an elephant?
1905: ACTOR STERLING HOLLOWAY IS BORN.
He was the voice of Winnie the Pooh. Sorry to make you wait for nothing.
1930: FOOTBALL COACH DON SHULA IS BORN.
Ninth months after his father apparently "went long."
1937: ACTRESS DYAN CANNON IS BORN.
Later on, she was married to Cary Grant for a couple of days.
1941: MAUREEN REAGAN IS BORN.
I found out later on that she used to live across the street from my old apartment and that the Secret Service used the house next door to mine as their headquarters. That's a long sentence to explain that I have nothing else to say about Maureen Reagan.
1948: BURMA GAINS ITS INDEPENDENCE FROM THE UNITED KINGDOM.
That was a close shave.
1951: DURING THE KOREAN WAR, CHINESE AND NORTH KOREAN FORCES CAPTURE SEOUL.
If there was a railway there, would it be the Seoul Train?
1958: SPUTNIK I FALLS TO EARTH FROM ITS ORBIT.
If Sputnik falls in the forest, does it make a noise?
1960: PHILOSOPHER ALBERT CAMUS DIES.
How absurd is that??
1965: PRESIDENT LYNDON JOHNSON PROCLAIMS HIS "GREAT SOCIETY" DURING HIS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.
His opinion only.
1974: PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON REFUSES TO HAND OVER MATERIALS SUPPOENAED BY THE SENATE WATERGATE COMMITTEE.
Yeah, he had nothing to hide.
1998: ACTRESS MAE QUESTEL DIES.
The voice behind Betty Boop and Olive Oyl is silenced. One would argue this is a good thing.
1999: ACTOR IRON EYES CODY DIES.
He was the Indian who cried when you threw trash on the side of the road. He must have sobbed when Sputnik crashed someplace.
1999: WRESTLER JESSE VENTURA IS SWORN IN AS GOVERNOR OF MINNESOTA.
He had beaten his opponent by hitting him over the head with a folding chair.
1999: GUNMEN OPEN FIRE ON SHIITE MUSLIMS WORSHIPPING IN AN ISLAMABAD MOSQUE.
You can't spell these Muslims without either the word "shit" or "bad." Just sayin'.
2001: BANDLEADER LES BROWN DIES.
His band is no longer renown.
2007: NANCY PELOSI IS ELECTED AS THE FIRST FEMALE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE IN U.S. HISTORY.
A dark day in American History. But a wonderful advertisement for Botox.
2011: MUSICIAN GERRY RAFFERTY DIES.
Major pothole on Baker Street.
Dinner last night: French dip sandwich.
1 comment:
Dyan Cannon and I had a moment in Whole Foods when I had to move my ass out of the way so her shopping cart could get by. Only in Hollywood.
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