Never mind. A boy can dream, can't I? Instead, let's take a look at the newspaper listings for this weekend in April 2012. I bet you can't find anything as good as "Bye Bye Birdie." You know the drill. I'll sift through the Los Angeles Times entertainment pages and give you my knee jerk reaction on the crap littering our multiplexes. Just in case there is a lot of livin' to do.
Titanic 3-D: As if two dimensions weren't bad enough.
Wrath of the Titans: Somehow I don't think this is a documentary about the first years of the New York Jets' football franchise.
John Carter: One of the biggest bombs ever in the annals of Disney production. When you think about it, "The Ugly Dachshund" was a bigger hit.
American Reunion: Revisiting the whole "American Pie" franchise one more time. You really, really, really can't go home again.
Mirror, Mirror: On the wall. What's a stupid idea for a movie? This is. Mirror now signing off.
Dr. Seuss' The Lorax: For somebody who's been dead for years, he still has a lot of movies coming out.
Tyler Perry's Good Deeds: His first good deed should be to stop littering theaters with his crap.
21 Jump Street: Please submit an address change to your local post office.
The Hunger Games: I am officially the last person on the planet to know anything about this.
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen: Bring your own worms.
Jeff, Who Lives at Home: Dispatched from his basement room on an errand for his mother, slacker Jeff might discover his destiny (finally) when he spends the day with his brother as he tracks his possibly adulterous wife. This stars Jason Segel, but, then again, doesn't everything these days?
The Woman in Black: A young lawyer travels to a remote village where he discovers the vengeful ghost of a scorned woman is terrorizing the locals. Will somebody give Daniel Radcliffe a break and let him be in one movie that doesn't have a single special effect??
Footnote: Eliezer and Uriel Shkolnik are father and son as well as rival professors in Talmudic Studies. When both men learn that Eliezer will be lauded for his work, their complicated relationship reaches a new peak. Kill me now. And that's probably the wrong thing to say about a movie that was made in the Middle East.
Chronicle: Three high school friends gain superpowers after making an incredible discovery. Soon, though, they find their lives spinning out of control and their bond tested as they embrace their darker sides. High school seniors with darker sides? I call that the Mount Vernon HIgh School men's room when I was a sophomore.
Underworld - Awakening: When human forces discover the existence of the Vampire and Lycan clans, a war to eradicate both species commences. The vampire warrioress Selene leads the battle against humankind. Jeez, does every single movie these days need to feature at least one vampire??
Friends with Kids: Two platonic best friends decide to have a kid together. Do not see this movie with a platonic best friend or you will be stopping for Pampers on the way home.
Jiro Dreams of Sushi: A documentary on 85-year-old sushi master Jiro Ono, his business in the basement of a Tokyo office building, and his relationship with his son and eventual heir, Yoshikazu. I love documentaries, but I hate sea food. You do the math.
Damsels in Distress: A trio of girls set out to change the male-dominated environment of the Seven Oaks college campus, and to rescue their fellow students from depression, grunge and low standards of every kind. Written and directed by Whit Stillman, who tends to make a lot of stuff that makes no sense to anybody but himself.
We Have a Pope: A story centered on the relationship between the newly elected Pope and his therapist. Hey, if Tony Soprano needed to see a shrink, why not the Holy Father?
The Three Stooges: Why? Why?? Why???
The Cabin in the Woods: Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods. You would think that, after years of Friday the 13th movies, teenagers would learn to stay home.
Unraveled: A documentary on Marc Dreier, the once-prominent Manhattan attorney who was arrested for orchestrating a massive fraud scheme that netted over 700 million dollars from hedge funds. Go see it with your favorite Wilpon.
Bad Ass: A Vietnam veteran who becomes a local hero after saving a man from attackers on a city bus decides to take action when his best friend is murdered and the police show little interest in solving the crime. I haven't seen a single frame of this, but I already like this guy.
The Ballad of Genesis and Lady Jaye: A documentary on artist Genesis Breyer P-Orridge and his wife and collaborator, Lady Jaye, centered around the transformations the pair underwent for their Pandrogyne project. Gee, will they make a documentary about ANYBODY these days???
A Simple Life: After suffering a stroke, an altruistic maid announces that she wants to quit her job and move into an old people's home. Some people will do anything to avoid wiping down the venetian blinds.
Life, Love, Soul: A high school senior's life is shattered when a car accident kills his mother and brother. The name of the kid's character is Roosevelt. Now I know where the soul comes from.
Detention: As a killer named Cinderhella stalks the student body at the high school in Grizzly Lake, a group of co-eds band together to survive while they're all serving detention. Class cut-ups to the extreme.
Keyhole: Gangster and deadbeat dad, Ulysses Pick, embarks on an unusual journey through his home. Starring Jason Patric and Isabella Rosellini. They will miss seeing me in the audience.
Losing Control: A smart and original, quirky comedy about a female scientist who wants proof that her boyfriend is "the one." Len's rule of thumb: if a movie goes out of its way to call itself smart, original, and quirky, it's not.
Lockout: A man wrongly convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage against the U.S. is offered his freedom if he can rescue the president's daughter from an outer space prison taken over by violent inmates. I'd love to go see this with the Obama urchins.
Scenes of a Crime: This sounds like an compelling documentary. It explores a 10-hour interrogation that culminates in a disputed confession and a high-profile murder trial in New York State. You have the right to be interested.
Woman Thou Art Loosed - On the 7th Day: Blair Underwood stars. The Ames' seem to have built the perfect life until their six year old daughter is kidnapped; over the course of seven days they begin to uncover secrets about their past that could rip their marriage and lives apart. Pam Grier is in the supporting cast, so expect some well-placed kicks to the crotch.
The Raid - Redemption: A SWAT team becomes trapped in a tenement run by a ruthless mobster and his army of killers and thugs. What tenement doesn't have its share of mobsters, killers, and thugs??
The Deep Blue Sea: The wife of a British Judge is caught in a self-destructive love affair with a Royal Air Force pilot. A yank on my RAF.
Dinner last night: Chicken tenders and rice.
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