Regular readers here will remember that I used to be in an Oscar pool with my friends Dennis and Lorraine. They retired last year, sick and tired of buying me dinner every single year. But why should I penalize you from accessing my brilliance because I have a couple of deadbeats for friends?
Take these to the bank. Or whatever your prize is. Today, we'll do all the categories that everybody talks through during the Oscar broadcast.
Live Action Short: Hollywood can't be this lucky. One of the nominees is about a school gunman. It's almost like this is rigged. The winner is "DEKALB ELEMENTARY."
Documentary Short: I have no clue. Do you? Since there are a variety of social causes and initiatives that need to be served on Oscar night, there is a nominee here about the elderly. The Academy will embrace this even if they don't want people over 55 voting any more. The winner is 'EDITH+EDDIE."
Animated Short: In an odd quirk of faith, I actually saw one of the nominees. They played it at the Hollywood Bowl last summer when John Williams was in concert. It was produced in part by Kobe Bryant and I'm sure the Academy wants to use this as their opportunity to thank him for all the years on the Lakers. Rape charges notwithstanding. The winner is "DEAR BASKETBALL."
Visual Effects: I'm looking at the nominees and they all look like video games to me. For no reason whatsoever, I'm saying the winner will be "BLADE RUNNER 2049."
Sound Mixing: One of two sound awards that nobody understands and usually sends people to the bathroom. For some reason I don't comprehend, the idiots here love the mess that is 'DUNKIRK." Yeah, there is sound in it and I guess they mixed it okay.
Sound Editing: And the same movie usually win this one. The winner is "DUNKIRK."
Song: Always bet on the tune from a Disney cartoon. The winner is "REMEMBER ME from COCO." PS, I didn't see it, nor can I hum the song.
Score: Frankly, the best score in this city during the last year was Justin Turner's walk-off home run against the Cubs in Game 2 of the NLCS. But, talking about music, I am guessing this will start a streak for a movie they are fawning over. The winner here is the ridiculous "SHAPE OF WATER."
Production Design: Even though the movie looked like it was shot through a bowl of lime Jello, the winner will be "THE SHAPE OF WATER."
Makeup and Hairstyling: If you know what Gary Oldman looks like in real life, you will know why his transformation to Winston Churchill gets the nod here. The winner is 'DARKEST HOUR."
Costume Design: One of the nominees is a movie about a fashion designer. How dumb do I look? The winner is "PHANTOM THREAD."
Film Editing: The clowns here are going to cherry pick the accolades for two movies they love. So, the winner here is 'DUNKIRK."
Cinematography: And the winner here is "THE SHAPE OF WATER." You see how these patterns form?
Foreign Language Feature: Okay, we're checking the boxes for Hollywood causes. Oh, look, one of the nominees is about transgendering. See how easy this can be. The winner is "A FANTASTIC WOMAN."
Documentary Feature: I've seen none of them and I don't think there are any major causes here. Hmmm. Okay, the one that was a big hit at Cannes will score here. The winner is "FACES PLACES."
Animated Feature: Ah, I remember the days when I saw every Disney cartoon that came out. No more. Even they have become pretentious and self-serving. The winner is "COCO."
Adapted Screenplay: Well, James Ivory wrote one of the nominees and he's 89 so the Academy won't wait here to honor him in another year. The winner is "CALL ME BY YOUR NAME."
Original Screenplay: My very favorite movie from last year is nominated in this category. "The Big Sick" was thoughtful, funny, and did it all without an ounce of pretentious. But, because I liked it so much, the winner here will be Jordan Peele for "GET OUT." Why? You'll figure it out.
Come back tomorrow for the really big awards.
Dinner last night: Bacon burger at Marmalade Cafe.
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