1194: KING RICHARD I OF ENGLAND GIVES PORTSMOUTH ITS FIRST ROYAL CHARTER.
Woo hoo. We got the charter. Now please explain to everybody what the hell that is.
1230: WILLIAM DE BRAOSE IS HANGED BY PRINCE LLYWELYN THE GREAT.
He was great because he apparently had the tallest tree in town.
1536: ANNE BOLEYN, QUEEN OF ENGLAND, IS ARRESTED AND IMPRISONED ON CHARGES OF ADULTERY, INCEST, TREASON, AND WITCHCRAFT.
In 2012, she would have gotten her own show on Bravo.
1568: MARY, QUEEN OF SCOTS, ESCAPES FROM LOCH LEVEN CASTLE.
She was later found hiding with Steve McQueen and Charles Bronson. That's a Great Escape movie reference, by the way.
1611: KING JAMES BIBLE IS PUBLISHED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ENGLAND.
Alert all motels in the area. We have something for the night stand drawer.
1672: JOHN MAITLAND BECOMES DUKE OF LAUDERDALE AND EARL OF MARCH.
Because everybody goes to Lauderdale in March.
1863: DURING THE CIVIL WAR, STONEWALL JACKSON IS WOUNDED BY FRIENDLY FIRE. HE SUCCUMBS TO PNEUMONIA EIGHT DAYS LATER.
Apparently, the bullet was contagious.
1876: THE APRIL UPRISING BREAKS OUT IN BULGARIA.
So what's planned for May and June?
1885: GOOD HOUSEKEEPING MAGAZINE GOES ON SALE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
No excuse now if you don't know how to make a meat loaf.
1885: COLUMNIST HEDDA HOOPER IS BORN.
Hats off.
1885: THE CONGO FREE STATE IS ESTABLISHED.
Thank goodness it didn't disrupt the birth of either Good Housekeeping or Hedda Hopper.
1903: DR. BENJAMIN SPOCK IS BORN.
Who told his mother what to do?
1907: COMEDIAN PINKY LEE IS BORN.
And I still don't know who you are.
1918: GENERAL MOTORS ACQUIRES CHEVROLET.
The earliest known bailout.
1932: COMEDIAN JACK BENNY'S RADIO SHOW PREMIERES.
I am listening to reruns on Sirius as we speak.
1933: ADOLF HITLER BANS TRADE UNIONS.
Okay, he did have one good idea.
1937: COMEDY WRITER LORENZO MUSIC IS BORN.
This is Carlton, hic, your doorman.
1945: DURING WORLD WAR II, GENERAL HEINRICH VON VIETINGHOFF SIGNS THE OFFICIAL SURRENDER OF GERMAN FORCES IN ITALY.
Uncle!
1946: SINGER LESLEY GORE IS BORN.
It's your party. Stop your whining! Wait, you're dead now. Party on!
1955: TENNESSEE WILLIAMS WINS THE PULITZER PRIZE FOR "CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF."
I'll bet he staggered up to the podium to get it.
1957: SENATOR JOSEPH MCCARTHY DIES.
Shithead.
1969: THE BRITISH OCEAN LINER QUEEN ELIZABETH 2 DEPARTS ON HER MAIDEN VOYAGE TO NEW YORK CITY.
With or without the purse?
1972: J. EDGAR HOOVER DIES.
No investigation needed. That sucker is dead.
1984: GAME SHOW HOST JACK BARRY DIES.
The Joker is now...dead.
2000: PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON ANNOUNCES THAT ACCURATE GPS ACCESS WOULD NO LONGER BE RESTRICTED TO THE MILITARY.
So now everybody knows the long way to get someplace.
2009: POLITICIAN/FOOTBALL STAR JACK KEMP DIES.
Thrown for a big loss.
2010: ACTRESS LYNN REDGRAVE DIES.
Bye, bye, Georgy Girl.
2011: OSAMA BIN LADEN IS KILLED.
Well, hello, Allah, well, hello, Allah......
2014: TWO MUDSLIDES IN AFGHANISTAN LEAVE 2,500 MISSING.
But aren't most of the people there hiding anyway?
2014: ACTOR EFREM ZIMBALIST JR. DIES.
Snap, snap...
Dinner last night: Roasted brussels sprouts with onion and chopped pancetta.
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