Who knew at the time that we would eventually have a pandemic? So here it comes again.
They are the equivalent of mental meat loaf or macaroni and cheese. Television absolutely guaranteed to make you smile. And they're your go-to when you need to chuckle. You know all the lines. You know what's going to happen next. But you don't care.
These are the episodes of your favorite series that are the ones you turn to over and over and over.
Oh, don't get me wrong. If I am flipping the dials, it's virtually impossible for me to turn away from any episode of I Love Lucy or Dick Van Dyke or the Honeymooners or Mary Tyler Moore or Everybody Loves Raymond. But, suppose you're on a desert island. You can bring one certain episode of...say...about ten different series. What do you choose for guaranteed laughs?
You can compile your own list. Here's mine. In no particular order of importance or significance. Once I applied some thought to this process, I realized this is really a potpourri of the best of the best. And, because it's probably the most important element of each episode, I am including the names of the writers involved. I salute them all.
Original air date: February 9, 1974. Written by Michael Ross and Bernie West.
This series was one of the few that my parents and I watched together as a family. And, while there are other noteworthy episodes, the one where the Jeffersons hold an engagement party for son Lionel is wall-to-wall laughs. It actually is the script that launched the Jeffersons into their own series. With Archie as the annoying party guest, George and Louise discover that Lionel's new in-laws are a mixed marriage. Carroll O'Connor and Sherman Hemsley were never better than in the party scene.
George (to Louise as he watches the in-laws argue): See that, Louise! Five more minutes and he's gonna call her "nigger."
Archie (to Edith): Will you listen to that? I ain't used that word in three years.
Groundbreaking. Hilarious. And it probably wouldn't get produced today.
Original air date: March 19, 1988. Written by Christopher Lloyd.
And neither would this hysterical episode of the Golden Girls. It's a very simple farce that allows for the audience to think ahead and expect what they will laugh at. Seemingly unconnected plot points that will collide like a ten-car pile-up on the freeway. Dorothy (Beatrice Arthur) discovers that her son is engaged to a woman twice her age. The disparity in years is the major concern for Dorothy and the fiancee's mother and aunts. The fact that they are Black is immaterial. The only problem is that, as one scene plays out, you know that Rose (Betty White) and Blanche (Rue McClanahan) are trying out new mud packs in the kitchen. And feisty Sophia (Estelle Getty) is conveniently away for the weekend. You just know that the latter three will make their appearances at the worst time. Indeed, when Sophia enters, there is prolonged laughter from the live audience before she even says a word. Genius and wonderfully economical writing.
Original air date: December 1, 1972. Written by Frank Buxton.
Way to go, Betty White. You turn up twice on my desert island. I once saw this episode on an American Airlines plane headed from LAX to New York. For some reason, AA was showing vintage sitcoms as opposed to the current NBC crap they run now. I had earphones on, but I still could hear raucous laughter for rows behind me. The scene where Oscar and Felix appear on the game show is brilliant. To this day, my writing partner will respond with the word "mayonnaise" whenever anybody says "Lincoln." There's a reason why Tony Randall and Jack Klugman are the quintessential Odd Couple. This episode shows us just how good they were in the roles. Of course, my favorite laugh is a throwaway line by secretary Myrna (Penny Marshall) as they are practicing the TV game in the living room.
Myrna (to Felix): Can I be Peggy Cass?
Original air date: September 15, 1965. Written by Bill Persky and Sam Denoff.
Years ago, I bought a book on how to write a sitcom script. As if this could be taught. In the "manual," this episode and the accompanying teleplay were dissected scene-by-scene, action-by-action, and word-by-word. It made the whole process a little too clinical for me, but, nevertheless, I began to appreciate just how intricate a good sitcom script is. Every word organically flows into another word. And this episode is almost letter perfect. There is no waste. Every moment makes sense and the characters' actions are all driven expertly. You may know it. Laura Petrie (Mary Tyler Moore) accidentally blurts out on live TV that husband Rob's (Dick Van Dyke) boss is really bald. Of course, as unlikely as this is, the episode is stolen by Carl Reiner as Alan Brady. When he confronts Laura and asks her what he's supposed to do with all his toupees, her retort makes me laugh out loud each and every time.
Laura: Well, maybe you could give them to some needy bald people.
Oh, my God, I wish I had worked on this show.
Original air date: January 28, 1956. Written by Leonard Stern and Sydney Zelinka.
Remember that book I mentioned above? The other episode that was dissected completely was this edition of the Honeymooners. I didn't need the analytical write-up. The show was already engrained in my memory. Since there are only 39 episodes of this series and WPIX Channel 11 in New York reran them every night at 11PM, I probably saw this script play out about two dozen times before I was even ten years old. It was also my dad's very favorite adventure of Ralph Kramden and company.
It's all so unbelievably compact and another springboard for the characters. Again, the characters create the situation and the situation does not create the characters. Ralph (Jackie Gleason) gets on a big quiz show of the day and will come back next week to tackle his category of expertise - popular songs. Much to wife Alice's (Audrey Meadows) chagrin, Ralph spends the whole week studying. He spends money to rent a piano so Norton (Art Carney) can play songs so he can bone up on the category. Of course, you easily see where this is going when Norton can't play a song without including the opening notes of "Swanee River." Even though you know how it will end, it's still a surprise when it happens. The mark of a perfect teleplay.
My favorite line is one from Alice as Ralph tells her how smooth he was on TV.
Alice: Of course you were. You have to be in your line of work. You're a man who brives a dus.
Original air date: October 4, 1994. Written by Joe Keenan.
No television series did sophisticated farce better than Frasier. Each week, it seemed like you were watching the latest comedy hit on Broadway. And this one episode is a story I can watch over and over. Because, with a clever choice of words, Frasier (Kelsey Grammer) winds up in the most absurd of dilemmas. He invites his new boss over for dinner so he can fix him up with Daphne (Jane Leeves). The boss, who happens to be gay, thinks Frasier is putting the moves on him. What could have been completely silly in other acting hands is sheer brilliance here with this cast. Every possible double entendre in the book is employed as the story unravels into what a Bugs Bunny cartoon would sound like if it was written by Noel Coward. And I see or hear something new every time I watch it.
The best line?
Frasier: That's ridiculous! Tom is not gay!
Niles: He seems to be under that impression.
Original air date: October 28, 1974. Written by James L. Brooks and Allan Burns, David Davis and Lorenzo Music, Norman Barasch and Carroll Moore, and David Lloyd.
Okay, I'm cheating a little bit on my desert island. This is an hour-long episode of a sitcom. Or, as they probably produced it, two half-hour shows stitched together. Rhoda's wedding was the hottest thing in its day and it was legendary for the location shooting of Rhoda (Valerie Harper) running around the Bronx' Grand Concourse in a wedding dress. But it was a gimmick that allowed them to combine the characters from the mother show (Mary Tyler Moore) and do one of those monster crossovers that allowed different characters to intermingle as they never had before. Forget the device of Rhoda running through the Bronx to her wedding. It's the dialogue that makes this sheer wonderment. The interactions between mother Ida (Nancy Walker) and Phyllis Lindstrom (Cloris Leachman) are worth gold. Especially the incredibly slow burn when Ida realizes that Phyllis forgot to drive Rhoda to the ceremony.
Ida: (after a long, long pause) I'll....kill....you.
God, I wished I had worked there, too.
Original air date: May 5, 2003. Written by Tucker Cawley.
There are no bad episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. That's a fact. They got nine years out of that family and I would have been quite happy if they had gotten nine more. Each and every plot was rooted in reality and you come away always saying "that happened in my house."
That's what makes "Baggage" the one ELR episode I would choose for my desert island. It is so simple but intricately organic all at the same time. Writer Tucker Cawley won an Emmy for the script and that accolade is well deserved. You just know that this plot line happened in real life and, according to Cawley, it occurred in his own house.
How uncomplex is it? Ray (Ray Romano) and Debra (Patricia Heaton) came home from vacation three weeks ago. Yet, neither of one wants to be the person that physically moves the suitcase from the landing. So there is a quiet, but deliberate stand-off that winds up involving all five characters and is brilliant in its utter simplicity. The acting is, as always, spot on. But you can't get better writing than this. Ever.
My favorite line?
Marie: Debra, you can't keep cheese in a suitcase.
Makes no sense to you? Watch it and you will understand.
Original air date: September 15, 1973. Written by Ed. Weinberger.
Like ELR above, I dare you to find a mediocre episode of Mary Tyler Moore. I suppose that most fans would gravitate to "Chuckles Bites The Dust" as their favorite episode. But, for me, if a gun is held to my head and I have to watch one MTM episode, it would be "The Lars Affair." Superlative acting and timing alone make this a standout entry of the series.
This was the episode that introduced the character of Happy Homemaker Sue Ann Nivens and kudos to you, Betty White, for making my desert island not one, not twice, but three times! Sue Ann starts to have an affair with the unseen Lars, husband of Phyllis (Cloris Leachman) and the latter provides a master class in comedy. Watch how Sue Ann shuts the oven door. A total ad lib from the actor and it works. Revel over and over at the scene where Phyllis has Mary and Rhoda try the apple pie she just made. It is magnificent how every acting tool in their bag of tricks elevates the script even higher. But it's pretty lofty all on its own.
Phyllis: I'll wait it out. Sooner or later, Lars is going to get tired of her. And he'll come back to me. And then I'm going to... punish him for this.
Original air date: February 7, 1955. Written by Jess Oppenheimer, Bob Carroll Jr,, and Madelyn Pugh.
Redundancy prevails. And while I didn't pull these episodes in order of importance, I apparently have saved the best for last.
There are likely no bad episodes of I Love Lucy. Okay, there are two. In the first season, the episode where two teenagers try to break up Lucy and Ricky. Meh. There's another one where two senior citizens try to break Lucy and Ricky. Double meh.
As mediocre as those two plots are, the season where the Ricardos and the Mertzes travel to Hollywood is complete creative serendipity. Everything works magically. We once asked writers Madelyn and Bob what was being used as liquid refreshment in their office that year because the scripts were so wonderfully inventive. PS, there was probably nothing more than water. They were just trying to churn out 39 scripts a year.
But, in this season of gold, there is one standout for me. The one where they arrive in Los Angeles. And there are not one, but two miraculous comedy scenes. You know what I mean? The Bill Holden scene in the Brown Derby that ends the first act. Then the "Lucy lights a cigarette and her putty nose" scene. Lucille Ball liked to tell people this was an accident that happened during filming. Um, no. It was all on the written page. I know. I saw. Madelyn showed me the script from her bound collection.
And that's what makes the words on the page even more special.
So, I am set for my desert island. Have you figured out yours yet? Those special television memories you can relive over and over and over again.
All of them are available either on Hulu or Netflix or DVD box sets or You Tube. They're all essentially findable.
You don't even have to put on a mask to do so.
Dinner last night: General Tso's Beef from Mandarette Cafe.
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