838: THE BYZANTINE EMPEROR THEOPHILOS SUFFERS A HEAVY DEFEAT BY THE ABBASIDS.
Abbasid sounds like an antacid.
1099: GODFREY OF BOUILLON IS ELECTED THE FIRST DEFENDER OF THE HOLY SEPULCHRE OF THE KINGDOM OF JERUSALEM.
He's in the soup now.
1456: JOHN HUNYADI, REGENT OF THE KINGDOM OF HUNGARY, DEFEATS MEHMET II OF THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE.
I looked fast and thought that said Hyundai.
1499: THE SWISS DECISIVELY DEFEAT THE IMPERIAL ARMY OF EMPEROR MAXIMILIAN I.
Now the Swiss stay out of everything.
1686: ALBANY, NEW YORK IS FORMALLY CHARTERED AS A MUNICIPALITY.
Because the state needs a capital.
1793: ALEXANDER MACKENZIE REACHES THE PACIFIC OCEAN BECOMING THE FIRST RECORDED HUMAN TO COMPLETE A TRANSCONTINENTAL CROSSING OF CANADA.
Smart to do this in the month of July.
1797: DURING THE BATTLE OF SANTA CRUZ DE TENERIFE, REAR-ADMIRAL NELSON IS WOUNDED IN THE ARM AND IT IS PARTIALLY AMPUTATED.
A little more serious than Tommy John surgery.
1812: BATTLE OF SALAMANCA - BRITISH FORCES DEFEAT FRENCH TROOPS.
Any loss suffered by France is okay by moi.
1864: OUTSIDE ATLANTA, GEORGIA, CONFEDERATE GENERAL JOHN BELL HOOD LEADS AN UNSUCCESSFUL ATTACK ON UNION TROOPS.
Those cotton bolls are started to get rotten.
1908: AUTHOR AMY VANDERBILT IS BORN.
The spoon goes on the right.
1916: IN SAN FRANCISCO, A BOMB EXPLODES ON MARKET STREET DURING A PREPAREDNESS DAY PARADE.
Well, at least, they were prepared.
1923: POLITICIAN BOB DOLE IS BORN.
Tell me again why your hand is like that.
1923: WRESTLER THE FABULOUS MOOLAH IS BORN.
My grandmother always thought she was a dirty girl.
1928: ACTOR ORSON BEAN IS BORN.
To tell the truth.
1933: WILEY POST BECOMES THE FIRST PERSON TO FLY SOLO AROUND THE WORLD IN SEVEN PLUS DAYS.
Will Rogers wants to go next time.
1934: OUTSIDE CHICAGO'S BIOGRAPH THEATER, PUBLIC ENEMY #1 JOHN DILLINGER IS SHOT AND KILLED BY FBI AGENTS.
These days, Public Enemies are what we call politicians.
1937: THE US SENATE VOTES DOWN PRESIDENT FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT'S PROPOSAL TO ADD MORE JUSTICES TO THE SUPREME COURT OF THE US.
Just what we need...more clowns in black robes.
1940: TV HOST ALEX TREBEK IS BORN.
I'll take July Birthdays for 600, Alex.
1942: THE US GOVERNMENT BEGINS COMPULSORY CIVILIAN GAS RATIONING DUE TO WWII.
Hopefully, this is a one-time-only event. Yeah, right.
1942: THE SYSTEMATIC DEPORTATION OF JEWS FROM THE WARSAW GHETTO BEGINS.
As if such a dastardly act could be systematic.
1947: ACTOR/COMIC ALBERT BROOKS IS BORN.
Doesn't get as much credit for his genius as he should.
1951: DEZIK AND GYPSY ARE THE FIRST DOGS TO MAKE A SUB-ORBITAL FLIGHT.
As opposed to one of those Russian female cosmonauts who was also a dog.
1967: POET CARL SANDBURG DIES.
Now that all my work has been read, it's time for me to be dead.
1976: JAPAN COMPLETES ITS LAST REPARATION TO THE PHILLIPPINES FOR WAR CRIMES DURING WWII.
They should did take the slow payment plan.
1991: JEFFREY DAHMER IS ARRESTED IN MILWAUKEE AFTER POLICE DISCOVER HUMAN REMAINS IN HIS APARTMENT.
Spleen? What spleen?
1992: NEAR MEDELLIN, COLOMBIAN DRUG LORD PABLO ESCOBAR ESCAPES FROM HIS LUXURY PRISON FEARING EXTRADITION TO THE US.
Luxury prison????
2008: ACTRESS ESTELLE GETTY DIES.
Sheer brilliance on the Golden Girls.
2013: ACTOR DENNIS FARINA DIES.
The actor, not the Little Rascal.
Dinner last night: Grilled steak salad.
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