202 BC: LIU BANG IS ENTHRONED AS THE EMPEROR OF CHINA, BEGINNING FOUR CENTURIES OF RULE BY THE HAN DYNASTY.
Included only because it contains the word "bang."
870: THE FOURTH COUNCIL OF CONSTANTINOPLE CLOSES.
All boring things must come to an end.
1638: THE SCOTTISH NATIONAL COVENANT IS SIGNED IN EDINBURGH.
Get those kilts out of the dry cleaners.
1700: TODAY IS FOLLOWED BY MARCH 1 IN SWEDEN, THUS CREATING THE SWEDISH CALENDAR.
So Swedes born in a leap year don't exist?
1827: THE BALTIMORE AND OHIO RAILROAD IS INCORPORATED, BECOMING THE FIRST RAILROAD IN AMERICA OFFERING COMMERCIAL TRANSPORTATION OF BOTH PEOPLE AND FREIGHT.
The Uber of the 19th Century.
1844: A GUN ON USS PRINCETON EXPLODES WHILE THE BOAT IS ON A POTOMAC RIVER CRUISE, KILLING SIX PEOPLE, INCLUDING TWO US CABINET MEMBERS.
Well, that's one way to drain the swamp.
1849: REGULAR STEAMBOAT SERVICE FROM THE WEST TO THE EAST COAST OF THE US BEGINS WITH THE ARRIVAL OF THE SS CALIFORNIA IN SAN FRANCISCO BAY, FOUR MONTHS 22 DAYS AFTER LEAVING NEW YORK HARBOR.
Now that's a long episode of "The Love Boat." See how I tied in our birthday boy today.
1867: SEVENTY YEARS OF HOLY SEE-US RELATIONS ARE ENDED BY A CONGRESSIONAL BAN ON FEDERAL FUNDING OF DIPLOMATIC ENVOYS TO THE VATICAN AND ARE NOT RESTORED UNTIL JANUARY 10, 1984.
Somehow they're blaming this on Trump.
1885: THE AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH COMPANY IS INCORPORATED IN NY AS AMERICAN BELL TELEPHONE.
Oh, ATT. I get it.
1903: FILM DIRECTOR VINCENTE MINNELLI IS BORN.
One of several gay guys marred to Judy Garland.
1906: GANGSTER BUGSY SIEGEL IS BORN.
Las Vegas, you're coming soon.
1915: ACTOR ZERO MOSTEL IS BORN.
I wonder if his siblings were named One and Two.
1922: THE UNITED KINGDOM ENDS ITS PROTECTORATE OVER EGYPT.
Now that's a big word.
1931: ACTOR GAVIN MACLEOD IS BORN.
And the good thing is his last role allowed him to wear a hat over his bald head.
1933: THE REICHSTAG FIRE DECREE IS PASSED IN GERMANY A DAY AFTER THE REICHSTAG FIRE.
Horse. Barn door.
1935: DUPONT SCIENTIST WALLACE CAROTHERS INVENTS NYLON.
What were stockings made of before this?
1939: THE ERRONEOUS WORD "DORD" IS DISCOVERED IN THE WEBSTER'S NEW INTERNATIONAL DICTIONARY SECOND EDITION, PROMPTING AN INVESTIGATION.
So it's not a legit word on Scrabble?
1939: DANCER TOMMY TUNE IS BORN.
Five foot one at birth.
1940: BASKETBALL IS TELEVISED FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH A MADISON SQUARE GARDEN GAME BETWEEN THE UNIVERSITY OF PITTSBURGH AND FORDHAM.
The latter is my alma mater. Which means they probably lost.
1948: BROADWAY STAR BERNADETTE PETERS IS BORN.
Trivia fact: she once dated Steve Martin.
1953: JAMES WATSON AND FRANCIS CRICK ANNOUNCE TO FRIENDS THAT THEY HAVE DETERMINED THE CHEMICAL STRUCTURE OF DNA.
And, as a result, people are spitting into a cup 65 years later.
1954: THE FIRST COLOR TVS ARE OFFERED FOR SALE TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
My grandmother never ever bought one. She stuck to black and white.
1955: COMIC GILBERT GOTTFRIED IS BORN.
An amazingly normal guy despite the fact he is a fearless comedian who tells the dirtiest jokes imaginable.
1958: A SCHOOL BUS IN KENTUCKY HITS A WRECKER TRUCK AND PLUNGES DOWN INTO A RIVER. THE DRIVER AND 26 CHILDREN DIE IN WHAT REMAINS ONE OF THE WORST SCHOOL BUS ACCIDENTS IN US HISTORY.
So where's the hue and cry to outlaw school buses?
1975: IN LONDON, AN UNDERGROUND TRAIN FAILS TO STOP AT MOORGATE STATION AND CRASHES INTO A TUNNEL, KILLING 43 PEOPLE.
Obviously it was not a local.
1977: ACTOR EDDIE "ROCHESTER" ANDERSON DIES.
Mr. Benny!
1978: ACTRESS ZARA CULLY DIES.
Mother Jefferson.
1983: THE FINAL EPISODE OF "M*A*S*H*" AIRS WITH ALMOST 106 MILLION VIEWERS. IT STILL HOLDS THE RECORD FOR THE HIGHEST VIEWERSHIP OF A SEASON FINALE.
A good friend of mine co-wrote this.
1991: THE FIRST GULF WAR ENDS.
When was the second?
1993: THE BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND FIREARMS AGENTS RAID THE BRANCH DAVIDIAN CHURCH IN WACO, TEXAS WITH A WARRANT TO ARREST THE GROUP'S LEADER DAVID KORECH. FOUR ATF AGENTS AND SIX DAVIDIANS DIE IN THE INITIAL RAID.
So the ATF won?
1993: ACTRESS RUBY KEELER DIES.
She was all tapped out.
2004: OVER ONE MILLION TAIWANESE PARTICIPATING IN THE HAND-IN-HAND RALLY FORM A 310 MILE LONG HUMAN CHAIN.
That's an awful lot of hand sanitizer.
2009: RADIO BROADCASTER PAUL HARVEY DIES.
That really is the end of the story.
2011: ACTRESS JANE RUSSELL DIES.
I once went to lunch with her. Really.
2012: FILM PRODUCER HAL ROACH DIES.
He actually outlived most of the Little Rascals.
2013: POPE BENEDICT XVI RESIGNS AS THE POPE OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, BECOMING THE FIRST POPE TO DO SO SINCE 1415.
I'm dying to read the exit interview.
2016: ACTOR GEORGE KENNEDY DIES.
Now it's really a failure to communicate.
2019: MUSICIAN ANDRE PREVIN DIES.
Married once to Mia Farrow, so look what he shared with Woody Allen.
Dinner last night: Sandwich.
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