42 BC: DURING THE ROMAN REPUBLICAN CIVIL WARS, MARC ANTONY AND OCTAVIAN DECISIVELY DEFEAT BRUTUS' ARMY. BRUTUS COMMITS SUICIDE.
Et tu, coward?
425: VALENTINIAN III IS ELEVATED AS ROMAN EMPEROR AT THE AGE OF 6.
Ready to declare war? Nah, the emperor is playing with his toy soldiers.
1157: THE BATTLE OF GRATHE HEATH ENDS THE CIVIL WAR IN DENMARK. KING SWEYN III IS KILLED AND VALDEMAR I RESTORES THE COUNTRY.
Valdemar? Not that Harry Potter character, right?
1641: OUTBREAK OF THE IRISH REBELLION.
It started during a happy hour at O'Reilly's Pub.
1694: BRITISH/AMERICAN COLONIAL FORCES, LED BY SIR WILLIAM PHIPPS, FAIL TO SEIZE QUEBEC FROM THE FRENCH.
How inept are you if you lose to the freakin' French?
1707: THE FIRST PARLIAMENT OF GREAT BRITAIN MEETS.
All of them there were smoking Marlboros.
1850: THE FIRST NATIONAL WOMEN'S RIGHTS CONVENTION BEGINS IN WORCESTER, MASSACHUSETTS.
Alice Kramden presiding.
1861: US PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN SUSPENDS THE WRIT OF HABEAS CORPUS IN WASHINGTON DC FOR ALL MILITARY-RELATED CASES.
Habeas Corpus later pitched out of the bullpen for the Baltimore Orioles.
1893: ACTOR GUMMO MARX IS BORN.
The one you know nothing about.
1905: SWIMMER GERTRUDE EDERLE IS BORN.
If the baby was born breach, would that have been her first official flip turn?
1906: ALBERTO SANTOS-DUMONT FILES AN AIRPLANE IN THE FIRST HEAVIER-THAN-AIR FLIGHT IN EUROPE AT PARIS, FRANCE.
Well, after all, France is full of hot air.
1915: IN NEW YORK CITY, 33,000 WOMEN MARCH ON FIFTH AVENUE TO ADVOCATE THEIR RIGHT TO VOTE.
Conveniently close to Bergdorf Goodman.
1917: LENIN CALLS FOR THE OCTOBER REVOLUTION.
So do we. Every year when we have to listen to Joe Buck do the World Series on FOX.
1923: ACTOR FRANK SUTTON IS BORN.
Pyle!!!!
1925: TV HOST JOHNNY CARSON IS BORN.
And, boy, were we ever lucky that he was.
1929: AFTER A STEADY DECLINE IN STOCK MARKET PRICES SINCE A PEAK IN SEPTEMBER, THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE BEGINS TO SHOW SIGNS OF PANIC.
Wait a few days. It gets a lot worse.
1929: THE FIRST NORTH AMERICAN TRANSCONTINENTAL AIR SERVICE BEGINS BETWEEN NEW YORK AND LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.
A trip I've probably made over 150 times.
1931: BASEBALL STAR/POLITICIAN JIM BUNNING IS BORN.
The very first baseball perfect game I ever knew about.
1935: DUTCH SCHULTZ AND SEVERAL OTHER GANGSTERS ARE FATALLY SHOT IN A NEWARK, NEW JERSEY SALOON.
Where was Junior Soprano that night?
1942: AUTHOR MICHAEL CRICHTON IS BORN.
And so, too, is Jurassic Park.
1942: ALL 12 PASSENGERS AND CREW ABOARD AN AMERICAN AIRLINER ARE KILLED WHEN STRUCK BY A US BOMBER NEAR PALM SPRINGS.
One of the casualties is Ralph Rainger who wrote "Thanks for the Memory" and "Love in Bloom." The theme songs for Bob Hope and Jack Benny.
1946: THE UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY CONVENES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FLUSHING, NEW YORK.
Where? In what would be the Shea Stadium parking lot??
1950: ENTERTAINER AL JOLSON DIES.
Toot toot Tootsie, good bye.
1957: DESIGNER CHRISTIAN DIOR DIES.
Finally out of style.
1958: THE SMURFS APPEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A FRENCH MAGAZINES.
Les Smurfs to you.
1959: WRITER/COMEDIAN AL YANKOVIC IS BORN.
Weird to you. And me.
1965: THE UNITED STATES, IN CONJUNCTION WITH SOUTH VIETNAMESE FORCES, LAUNCHES A NEW MILITARY OPERATION AGAINST THE NORTH IN PLEIKU.
Pleiku? Gesundheit.
1973: US PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON AGREES TO TURN OVER AUDIO TAPES OF HIS OVAL OFFICE CONVERSATIONS RELATED TO WATERGATE.
Hey, part of this is missing!
1983: JOURNALIST JESSICA SAVITCH DIES.
Now that's a lead story.
1993: A PROVISIONAL IRA BOMB PREMATURELY DETONATES IN BELFAST, KILLING THE BOMBER AND NINE CIVILIANS.
Serves him right.
1998: ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER BENJAMIN NETANYAHU AND PALESTINIAN CHAIRMAN YASSER ARAFAT REACH A LAND FOR PEACE AGREEMENT.
Every time I hear about one of these Mideast peace agreements, I laugh.
2002: SONGWRITER ADOLPH GREEN DIES.
Mr. Phyllis Newman.
2004: OPERA SINGER ROBERT MERRILL DIES.
O, say, he finally stopped.
Dinner last night: General Tso's Chicken.
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