Every year on this blog, I have performed the public service of providing you with your winning Oscar ballot for that pesky office pool. Well, here in 2021, I am following tradition.
Despite the fact that there are probably few office pools because there are a lot less offices.
Despite the fact that nobody really gives a shit about the Oscars anymore.
Despite the fact that nobody has heard of 90% of the films nominated.
Despite the fact that I pretty much slept through most of the Best Picture nominations.
But I can still prognosticate the winners because it's so damn easy. Oscars are not awarded for film excellence any more. They are honored for diverse themes or political statements. I've gotten even more brazen about the Academy Awards ever since a friend at my church gave me the inside scoop that winning votes are often ignored when the Academy higher ups want to show how "woke" they are.
So, with all those disclaimers, here's my thoughts on all the early awards that nobody gives a shit about. Starting with...
BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT: If you didn't see any feature films this past year, who the hell ventured out to see live action shorts. The winner is THE LETTER ROOM. Why? Who knows?
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT: Okay, here's one of those categories that you can point to the winner just by the title. The more diverse, the better. The winner is A LOVE SONG FOR LATASHA. Do I have to explain?
BEST ANIMATED SHORT: Some times, I need to do a little digging on these nominees. One of these films is about the grief of two parents whose child was killed in a school shooting. Bang. The winner is IF ANYTHING HAPPENS, I LOVE YOU. Gone are the days when Bugs Bunny took home an Oscar.
BEST SONG: I've heard of none of them. The winner is something called "Speak Now" from ONE NIGHT IN MIAMI. Why? Because I saw the movie and don't even remember there was a song in it.
BEST INTERNATIONAL FILM: I guess it's now offensive to use the word "foreign." The winner is ANOTHER ROUND, only because the title is two words I can get behind.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: I thought it was just okay, but the winner is SOUL. Because Pixar Lives Matter.
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Sadly, the only documentary I saw last year that was truly brilliant was Ron Howard's "Rebuilding Paradise" and it wasn't even nominated. The winner is MY OCTOPUS TEACHER, which was about some guy who spent a year with an octopus. That must have gotten a lot of ink. N'yuk. n'yuk.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: The overrated Christopher Nolan had the bad fortune of a big blockbuster coming out in the middle of COVID. I heard it stunk, but the effects were decent. The winner is TENET.
BEST SCORE: Actually, it was the Dodgers in Game Six of the 2020 World Series. Oh, you mean music? The winner is SOUL because, again, Pixar Lives Matter.
BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN: I slept through large chunks of it, but, for its depiction of Hollywood in the 30s, the winner is MANK.
BEST MAKE-UP AND HAIR STYLING: Boy, they sure did make Viola Davis look hideous but apparently that's how ugly Ma Rainey really was. The winner is MA RAINEY'S BLACK BOTTOM.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN: And, despite that sheer grotesque face, she sure did dress fancy. The winner is MA RAINEY'S BLACK BOTTOM.
BEST SOUND: Now here's an Oscar I can get behind because I really thought it was an excellent use of sound. This movie really made me feel like my hearing was compromised like the lead character. The winner is SOUND OF METAL.
BEST FILM EDITING: And they also made the lead character look like he was going deaf. The winner is SOUND OF METAL.
If you care, come back on Thursday for all the big jewelry.
Dinner last night: Leftover Chicken Valdostana
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