Juno Comes to Harlem

What say you, Len? First, the Michael Jackson movie and now you went to see this? Blog readers must be scurrying out to Los Angeles, ready to lay their hands on my forehead and check for a fever.

Folks, I'm a movie fan and I will check something out if it's well reviewed and destined for Oscar nominations. The reviews for "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire," admittedly a mouthful for any marquee, were just glowing. And, from what I read, actress/comedienne Mo'Nique is destined for a Supporting Actress nod and I'm already curious. I sheepishly admit to having watched and, gasp, enjoyed her sitcom "The Parkers." How could this woman, who played such a buffoon on TV, make this major career leap?

Have I explained my reasons for seeing this film to your complete satisfaction?

Oh, yeah, there's one other. It's the type of movie that might make great and hilarious blog fodder if I really, really thought it was a mess.

And now you won't be surprised when you read on. And hopefully giggle along with me.

"Precious" is going to get all those Oscar accolades I've already mentioned. The always liberal Hollywood will be convinced that this movie is going to be listed as one of Michelle Obama's favorite movies of 2009 and that will be enough for them to come out in droves. After all, the usual gaggle of phony do-gooders like Tom Hanks and Barbra Streisand will extol every frame, thereby making them feel a lot better about themselves as their stretch limousines, complete with full open bar, whisk them through the really shitty sections of town on the way to the Kodak Theater. I realize that's a run-on sentence, but then again so is "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire." A run-on title as well as an incredibly run-on plot.

The credits show that this movie is "presented by Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry" and that makes total sense to me. Because it's one more of those two dodos' salvos at the White society that has amazingly made them both so friggin' rich. Once again, only Black people can experience poverty. Only Black people can have trouble against the system. Only Black people can be downtrodden. Sadly, I know plenty of White people who can check off each of the aforementioned boxes on their application to Hard Knock Life Land.

But, nevertheless, we are still forced to chow down on notions that are certainly less viable in 2009 than they were in 1969 or 1979 or even the 1987 in which the movie is set. And, if they want to talk about how racist America has been in its history, I'd love to direct all comers to my high school years when most White kids were afraid to enter a bathroom for fear of losing their loose change, their Geometry textbooks, or their lives. Personally, I held in my urine for almost four years. Luckily, when I was seeing "Precious," I only had to do so for two hours.

This grizzly little yarn is set in Harlem of 1987 and that's the only way the filmmaker can get away with the complete pile-on of dilemmas that beset the title character of Precious at every turn. In 2009, life is a lot better for folks like Precious and we all know it. But, then again, you wouldn't have an Oscar contending movie if you showed just how advanced our society is today.

Precious is 16, attending junior high school, and looks more like Shrek than even Shrek himself. She has the figure of a small townhouse and a face only a father could love. And, actually, he does. Twice. And she winds up with two babies as a result. You never meet Dad because he has already absconded to whereever deadbeat fathers live in the minds of Hollywood screenwriters. So, Precious is stuck with Mom, who also was sleeping with Dad from time to time.

Mo'Nique plays the mother as if she's Cruella DeVille on crack. A Black woman without a booth or a stool to call her own during work hours, Mom sits home all day watching TV, smoking, and eating pigs feet. In between, she throws her daughter around the living room. Given the girl's size, she should be off the couch, perhaps pursuing a career as a WWF lady wrestler. At one point, Mom heaves the 19 inch television at Precious, only to realize that she now has no way to watch "227" on Saturday night. At the same time, Mom needs Precious as the kid is her ticket to extra welfare payments every month. A great portrayal of how Black women know how to completely work "the system" to their advantage. In its own squalor, the movie does manage to impart a lot of truth.

Thanks to a teacher, who admires the girl's ability to do long division (I'm not kidding here), Precious is pointed in the direction of an alternative school which looks like a hip hop version of the girls from "The Facts of Life." Subtitles would have been appreciated for these scenes. I had no idea what any of these girls were saying.

Not that Precious is any bargain herself. She's not above walking into a fast food joint and stealing a 10 piece bucket of chicken. But when Precious writes a few words down on a notebook, her counselor immediately thinks she's Maya Angelou. So, now most of the audience realizes this ultra-obvious plot point---Precious has an amazing talent that will go unfulfilled. Because life's ugly turns will get in Precious' way of earning a Pulitzer Prize. Before the movie is over, we'll all deal with Downs Syndrome, AIDS, rape, physical abuse, and even some quick shots of Patty Duke appearing on the $100,000 Pyramid. Yes, Mom does watch a LOT of television.

Director Lee Daniels, whoever she or he may be, regularly hits the audience over the head with a sledge hammer. By the end of the first hour, you want to go out to the rest room to count the welts on your face. It is that heavy handed. Mariah Carey shows up for a bit and actually seems to be channeling Rhoda Morgenstern in her portrayal of a social worker. Eventually, I discovered that, while Precious was the abused child, it was really the audience that was taking the slaps to the face.

At the end, you are supposed to feel hopeful because Precious has conquered some demons and appears headed off with her two kids to the welfare rolls of New York City. In the sequel, she'll probably learn that the ability to write some nifty poems still doesn't put a McDonald's Happy Meal on the dinner table. And we'll be expected to feel that pain as well.

Even the closing credits were horrible. Using some fading font size that made you feel like you were reading the very last line at a Lenscrafter exam. The mess had come full circle. From the first frame to the barely readable very last word.

So, you've been warned. Next March, the number of Best Picture nominations will be doubled. Regardless of how large this kid is, there will be plenty of room for Precious. If you have even the slightest bit of interest, you might simply wait till the awards telecast. I'm afraid you'll be seeing most of the really good clips that night.

Dinner last night: Pasta with olive oil, garlic, mushrooms, and spinach at Maria's Italian Kitchen.