We Demanded It

So says the advertisement for "Paranormal Activity." The supposed # 1 movie in America. "You Demanded It."

I don't remember doing that. But, apparently somebody did. Mostly likely the mindless 18-to-24 age group, whose artistic benchmark for excellence up to now was a really good episode of "Gossip Girl." At the same time, the reviews for "Paranormal Activity" were quite good. The word-of-mouth suggested that I would be leaving the theater as a quivering mess on a gurney.

I got sucked in.

And "sucked" is the operative word here.

The scariest movie of all time? Perhaps. But, only if you have never seen another movie your entire life. I've gotten more jolts out of a Tom & Jerry cartoon than I did out of this 86 minute long Ambien pill. The two idiots in the movie get no sleep. The audience, however, gets plenty.

You probably know that this film was made for about $11,000 and none of the money appears on the screen. I'm guessing most of the dough was spent on Red Bull and pizza for the crew. The filmmaker used his own condo for the shoot, mainly because he, too, has experienced ghosts there. If they can resolve that minor sticking point, I'd like to put in an offer for the place. It had a great layout. I wish I could say the same about the storyboards of the plot.

The opening moment of the film is a thank-you card to the families of the two characters. This is to suggest that all of this really happened and that their fates depicted in the movie are real. Well, that would have worked except, on the day that I saw the film, the two leads were giddily posing on the cover of last week's Entertainment Weekly. Alive and well. Looking just as dumb as the people they "portray" in the film.

Micah and Katie, the real names of both the actors and the characters, live together and are visited nightly by some sinister spirits. Throwing key chains. Opening and closing doors. Tracking baby powder all over the house. They assume it's a ghost. I would assume it's nothing more than a sloppy relative. Nevertheless, if any of this happened in my abode, I would have checked into the nearest Holiday Inn ASAP. And immediately offered up the condo to an episode of "House Hunters."

Later on in the film, it appears that the evil spirits have come into the house on the coattails of the chick. Well, that's another revelation which would have stopped me in my tracks. Because I would have immediately checked her into the nearest Holiday Inn ASAP. And also renewed my membership on e-Harmony. When it comes to not getting a good night's sleep because ghosts are afoot, I'd quickly kick any girl to the curb.

Nothing makes any sense in "Paranormal Activity" and I would hope that the spirits in my house would be a lot more interesting. And, as for Micah and Katie, this is their first acting job. If, by acting, you mean laying around in bed and looking scared. Gee, I do that all the time just trying to keep up with fresh material on this blog. No worries. Come next and future Oscar nights, Katie and Micah will be watching the proceedings at a friend's house just like the rest of us.

At the "gripping" conclusion of the movie, it simply ends. There are no credits. Again, they want you to believe this is all real. I simply figured that everybody on the crew wanted their names off this piece of junk.

Dinner last night: Prime rib of beef at Chamberlain's Steak and Chop House in Dallas.