The Best New TV Show I'm Not Watching

Once again, I'm brown shoes with a tuxedo. White pants after Labor Day. A horizontal stripe tie on a vertical stripe shirt. I am lost at the fair.

It seems that every television season brings one new show that becomes the darling of critics and audiences alike. Reviewed as if it stars Jesus Christ himself, the program takes on a viewing frenzy all its own. "Did you see 'blank' last night?" Normally, I pay attention to the critical hubbub and sample for my own edification. And, most of the time, I walk away scratching my head. This is the big deal?

I'm still puzzling over why I can't get into "30 Rock" when everybody else apparently can. I hate the characters. I find the setting unidentifiable. And the acting, led by the vastly overrated Tina Fey and the grossly obese Alec Baldwin, is mediocre at best. I've made several attempts to crash this party. I leave disappointed each and every time.

Then, there's "Mad Men." My God, this show is so good it can cure cancer. So says everybody and their brother. And, it has elements that normally sing to me. A retro setting. A continuing storyline. A mix of drama and dark comedy. So? Every season, I try to get into it. I'm asleep like a baby by the third episode. The show is so overwritten that it makes my head hurt. The acting is unimpressive. For those fawning over this creative spillage, it really is nothing more than "Knots Landing" with the wardrobe from "Peyton Place." And, frankly, "Mad Men" doesn't hold a candle to either of those two shows, which were among my most favorites ever. It's simply a soap opera which its actors take way too seriously.

So, this year, audiences and critics are tripping over each other to praise a new ABC sitcom, "Modern Family." The praise started to get piled on months before its premiere. The sick will be well again. The lame will walk. The deaf will hear. Thanks be to God for giving us "Modern Family."

I got sucked into this Oreck Vacuum of platitudes. I was intrigued. I recognized some of the cast members. The writer-creators were Christopher (son of the late David) Lloyd and Steve Levitan. Nice pedigree. They were involved with the likes of "Frasier" and "The Golden Girls." Good enough for me. I tuned into the premiere.

And watched the second episode.

And have not been back since.

This is family dysfunction on steroids. And nothing I haven't seen before. With characters that are stereotypes of other much better written characters. More importantly, I watched two shows. A total of 44 minutes of screen time. I did not laugh once.

"Modern Family" is shot like a documentary with that jerky hand-held camera motion that makes sponsorship from Dramamine a perfect marketing fit. This is admittedly part of my disconnect. It's personal taste, but I prefer my situation comedies to be shot in front of a live audience. The acting is better as the performers naturally feed off the audience reaction. It ups the creative ante a notch. And it just seems to be funnier. If you shot "Everybody Loves Raymond" with a single camera and no studio audience, I contend that the show might not have lasted nine seasons. "The Big Bang Theory," without that gleeful live audience, would be a big bust.

But, to show you that my preference rules are not hard and fast, I have found a new series that is done with a single camera and is not done in front of a live audience. Yet, it still works pour moi. Just like that health magazine that tells you to "Eat This, Not That," I'd like to point you in the direction of the show that directly precedes "Modern Family" on ABC every Wednesday night.

I watched "The Middle" initially because Patricia Heaton stars in it. I'm a fan, even though, if you mention her name to people in Hollywood, the knee-jerk reaction is immediately "bitch." But, since she's never done anything to me, I'll still tune in to anything she's working on. Granted "The Middle" breaks no monumentally new ground. It is really nothing more than "Malcolm in the Middle" with a parental focus. But, I've watched every episode and laughed out loud at least four or five times every week. The cast has jelled quickly. And the youngest child on the show, Brick as played by Atticus Sheffer, steals every scene he's in. I'm still trying to figure out if this is really an eight-year-old kid or a forty-year-old midget.

"The Middle" has been renewed for a full season. Good news. Plenty of time for you to sample it and back up my recommendation. "Modern Family" has also been renewed for a full season. Plenty of time for me to figure out what I'm missing.

Dinner last night: Chicken tenders and orso with roasted vegetables.

And tomorrow: New York, New York, a helluva town.