Your 2009 Holiday Movie Guide - December Releases

Oh, how I wish there was still a holiday show at Radio City Music Hall. With lines wrapped around the block under the holly-laden marquee. Instead, we have a bunch of folks waiting to get a Starbucks coffee while they inch their way to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.

As for the rest of us, we've got the trash being unloaded by Hollywood on a weekly basis. Here I am with the December list of holiday releases. God bless us everyone. I wouldn't wish this shit on Ebenezer Scrooge.

Brothers: Natalie Portman plays a wife who screws with her brother-in-law when her husband goes missing in Afghanistan. When you run out of batteries, I guess a girl has to get creative. (December 4)

Everybody's Fine: Robert De Niro is the dad. Drew Barrymoore, Kate Beckinsdale, and Sam Rockwell are the kids. They all need to reunite. My guess is that the movie title is ironic. Any bets that one of them is dying? (December 4)

Armored: All about robbing an armored truck. And an audience at the same time. (December 4)

The Last Station: Helen Mirren and Paul Giamatti fight over Leo Tolstoy's estate. A must see for the Jackson family this holiday season. (December 4)

Serious Moonlight: Meg Ryan holds husband Timothy Hutton hostage in an effort to fix their marriage. Hello? Is this a feature film or an episode of Dr. Phil? (December 4)

Transylmania: Okay, wink, wink. There's a letter missing. Ha ha. Very clever. I get it. It's about a bunch of college kids comically battling a vampire. And the cleverness probably stops with the title. (December 4)

Up in the Air: Great buzz about this George Clooney vehicle about a corporate downsizer who is obsessed with his frequent flyer miles. The trailer shows lots and lots of American Airlines locations. Look hard. I'm bound to be in this movie someplace. (December 4)

The Lovely Bones: The very overrated director Peter Jackson goes a little smaller this time. It's all about the murder of a 14 year-old girl. Now, that's holiday fare. It's A Wonderful Death? (December 11)

A Single Man: Colin Firth as a gay English professor. If they also made the character a Jesuit priest, they could have filmed this at Fordham. (December 11)

Invictus: Okay, it's Clint Eastwood directing, so he never makes crap. But, I may be challenged to see this thing, which is all about that screwball Nelson Mandela and some rugby player. Making matters worse, it stars Morgan Freeman, who obviously had a Tuesday to kill one week. Can somebody please stop casting this guy as the quintessential stately Black man? (December 11)

Avatar: It took him almost 12 years, but James Cameron finally follows up "Titanic" with his next movie. I saw the trailer. It's in glorious 3-D. That's an image, not an apartment. There's a Marine in a wheelchair. There are creatures in some remote land. Expensive rocks. Everything but the kitchen sink. No, wait, I think I saw one of those, too. (December 18)

Did You Hear About the Morgans?: No, I didn't. That was the name of my mother's parents, but they died when she was eleven. I never saw any pictures. I have no clue about this set of my grandparents. Ooops, sorry. You weren't asking about them. This is a movie title? Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant as a bickering couple? I got nothing. (December 18)

Nine: Rob Marshall of "Chicago" fame tries to adapt another so-so Broadway musical into Oscar gold. With such musical giants as Daniel Day-Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, and Judi Dench. But, on the other hand, Renee Zellwegger pulled it off. I'll give it a shot. (December 18)

The Young Victoria: Emily Blunt as Queen Victoria. Bring your favorite pillow and a Snuggie. Personally, I am waiting for the Young Victor/Victoria. (December 18)

Police, Adjective: An undercover in Modern Romania..... Modern Romania??? Don't bother to finish. I am out of here. (December 23)

Alvin and the Chipmunks The Squeakquel: "Christmas, Christmas, time is near. Time for joy and time for JEERS" (December 25)

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus: Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Colin Farrell, and Heath Ledger one more time. They say this is his last performance, but I'm convinced somebody filmed him in the morgue. This is a fantasy from Terry Gilliam. I can't imagine anybody walking up to a box office and reciting the whole title when they ask for a ticket. Even the shortened versions are tough. "One for Imaginarium, please?" "Can I have two for Parnassus?" The filmmakers really should have thought this through. (December 25)

It's Complicated: Romantic comedy with Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin, and Meryl Streep. God bless whoever realized that this kind of movie could star somebody other than Katherine Heigl or Matthew McConaughey. But, here's a warning. I understand that you see Alec Baldwin's big ass naked. And, of course, the words "Alec Baldwin" and "big ass" are admittedly redundant. (December 25)

Sherlock Holmes: Robert Downey Jr. as the famed detective. I'm a sucker for the Conan Doyle character. I've read all the books. And I like the cast. I guess I'm in. (December 25)

The White Ribbon: Cruel activities at a German village right before World War 1. Okay, more German bashing?? How come we never see anything about the barbaric behavior of the Dutch? And how good could this movie be? It didn't even get the pre-holiday release. (December 30)

The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond: Described as an "unproduced" screenplay by Tennessee Williams. Now, that's a major red flag for me. The guy wasn't stupid. He didn't allow it to be produced for a reason. It probably stinks. And he knew it. And now you will know it, too. (December 30)

Dinner last night: Had a big lunch, so just some cold cuts and salad.