Join My Facebook Group to Discuss How Stupid Facebook Groups Are

I'm constantly convulsed by the nonsense I read on this social network. Of course, you might ask me the obvious question.

"What the hell are you doing there?"

Well, not revealing pertinent details of my life, for one. Not posting photos that were better left in the camera. Not milking computer cows or feeding pixelated chickens. Not pronouncing my most intimate likes and dislikes.

And most certainly not joining a group devoted to some cause of the day. I alternate between amusement and embarrassment at some friends of mine (real ones, not just acquaintances on Facebook) who feel the need to vindicate their opinion for all to see. Lately, there is a new "petition" up there every single day. And a sucker signing on to them every minute.

Here are just a few of the groups I have spotted of late. And keep in mind that I found them because somebody I know and used to respect just jumped on its bandwagon.

Dogs Without Borders: What the hell is this in the first place? Do we really care if a dog doesn't have access to a bookstore?

Bring Justice to Victims of Abuse - Arrest the Pope: I have noted that most of the names attached to this petition are either Jewish or Irish. As if the Pope really cares? But, then again, what are the odds that the Vatican has its own Facebook page? If I were this Benedict, I'd ramp up my McAfee spam controls ASAP.

We Support a Ban Against Golf Umbrellas in Crowded Cities: Huh? No, really, I mean, huh? There are three of my contacts in this group. I'd call them to find out what this is all about, but I've already burned their phone numbers.

I'm A Sexy Jew: I know several of the folks in this group. Obviously, there are very lax requirements on being a member, but none of these are. Sexy, that is.

Petition to Remove Facebook Group Praying for President Obama's Death: This even crossed a line for me. But, my burning question is whether there really is a Facebook Group Praying for President Obama's Death. I decided to search for it. I never found it. So, I'm now thinking that this is just another liberal salvo tossed at the other side of the aisle. Totally fabricated bullshit.

I Bet We Can Find 1,000,000 People Who Support Same Sex Marriage: Frankly, I think this group is aiming low. Why not 2 million? Why not 20 million? As long as you don't count on the state of Utah, I think the possibilities are endless.

Boobs Make Great Pillows: All of my "friends" in this group are male under the age of 30. When it's still fun to lay across somebody's breasts. Later on, you want to get off them. Mainly, because they tell you "get off them."

Get 1,000,000 People to Sign Against the Arizona Immigration Bill: Those of you that I know in this group, please take note. Your Len friendship severence checks are in the mail. I have one last word for you. Adios.

Get 1,000,000 People To Sign in Favor of the Arizona Immigration Bill: I have some ex-friends that you shouldn't count on for virtual signatures.

I Hate Cancer: This group begs a follow-up question. Who doesn't? I have never seen a more pointless group in my life. Makes me want to start my own Facebook club. I Love Breathing.

Facebook, Respect My Privacy: Okay, cue the cuckoo clock. How totally moronic is this? You're worried about Facebook putting too much of your personal information out there? But, at the same time, you've posted last summer's photo of you at the beach and, frankly, you need to lose some of that gut. I haven't seen an overhang like that since the old Tiger Stadium was open.

Dinner last night: Teriyaki turkey burger at Islands.