Neat Mother's Day Gift Ideas from Skymall

On my last crosscountry flight, I flipped through that great collection of junk otherwise known as the Skymall catalog. Let me share with you these great gift ideas for Mother's Day. My mom's gone, but there's no reason why you can't bestow on your own these nifty little items. And be prepared to be immediately tossed out of the will.

Take, for instance, the photo above. It's a tissue box/surveillance camera. To catch those dishonorable people who are lying about a sinus condition. It obviously has some everyday business applications. Hide it in the boardroom and watch in secret as your staff trashes the bejeezus out of you.

It's a bug vacuum. When a rolled newspaper and a tissue won't do the trick...

A kit that allows you to track the DNA and lineage of your dog. What difference does it make? Any way you slice it, little Fido's gonna have to deal with the inevitable. Mom was a bitch.

This is allegedly a head massager. Actually, it looks like those claws you'd find in an arcade machine. The ones where you try to grab a toy. Maybe she's trying to capture her own head. It could be a great party game. Astound your friends.

For the completely friendless. This innocent little box supplies you with your own personal applause or laugh track. Get the Barack Obama model which has a battery that lasts for four years.

A toilet training kit for little Frisky. You just might want to save on the carpet cleaning from the very get-go and drown the sucker in the bathtub.

Hey, don't wave for the police to stop you when you're weaving down the street and hitting every parked car on the block. Save time and worry. Find out your alcohol level ahead of time so that Officer O'Flaherty can quickly transport you to the jail cell of your choice.

For the woman who has everything. Or even better, for the woman who has absolutely nothing. Between the ears. A matching hat and sock puppet. From the Shari Lewis memorial fashion line.

Dinner last night: Smoked turkey and side salads.