Your Weekend Movie Guide - May 2010

Mount Vernon, New York. The 1950s. In the distance, you'll see RKO Proctor's where I spent many hours as a kid staring at the magic on the silver screen. Every Friday afternoon, my mother would pick me up after school. A quick bite to eat at the Bee Hive restaurant. And then a double feature.
Yeah, that doesn't happen now. Back when, even the junk on a lousy double bill was better than the absolute shit Hollywood is passing off as prime entertainment these days.
You know the monthly drill. I'll flip through the LA Times movie pages and give you my knee-jerk reaction to what's available to see this weekend. My guess is? There's very little.
Letters to Juliet: Sending it back "address unknown." Find a single guy in a theater where this is playing. I dare you.
Shrek Forever After: Truly the frozen pizza of movie franchises. I've seen them all and can't recall a single moment by the time I've exited the theater and arrived at my car. This is allegedly the last one. Uh huh. If you buy that, then you'll believe Obummer just appointed Lindsay Lohan as his newest economics czar.
Just Wright: Queen Latifah doing her best Katherine Heigl impression in a dreary romantic comedy. She might not be just impersonating Heigh. It's possible she swallowed her whole.
Iron Man 2: The first one was ingenious and smart, thanks in large part to Robert Downey Jr.'s performance. Naturally, Hollywood can't leave well enough alone. I hear the sequel is a mess the size of the Gulf of Mexico.
Robin Hood: From Errol Flynn to Russell Crowe. Who says the world is getting better?
Babies: A documentary that chronicles the first year of life with four different babies around the world. As if any of them do anything different? They spit up, they cry, and they poop. End of movie. Roll credits, please.
Please Give: A very smart comedy that I saw last weekend. A bunch of weird New Yorkers intersect. See it once just to watch Ann Morgan Guilbert, formerly Millie Halper of the old "Dick Van Dyke Show," play a deliciously cranky old lady.
Macgruber: Just one more in a series of examples that demonstrate SNL sketches do not translate to the big screen.
Kick-Ass: Okay, you can officially remove this from the theaters. I have it under good authority that all the mindless 18 to 24ers in America have already seen it.
Exit Through the Gift Shop: Some dopey documentary about a street artist. Only our country would devote this much time and attention to a vandal.
Death at a Funeral: A Blacked-up remake of a comedy that originally came out only three years ago. See it with your most politically incorrect friend. I did.
Harry Brown: Michael Caine, who refuses now to say "no" to any script, as a senior citizen vigilante. In between killing muggers, I bet he still has time to take an afternoon nap.
Nightmare on Elm Street: You know things are rotten when Hollywood starts remaking movies that were downright shitty in the first place.
Solitary Man: Michael Douglas as a former car dealer who lost his business, tries to get back on his feet. I am thinking this is going to do zero box office in Michigan. Who wants to pay $12.00 to see their own miserable lives played out in front of them?
Best Worst Movie: A look at the critically panned cult classic "Troll 2." I've never heard of it. And there was a "Troll 1?" Never heard of that either. Where have I been? Well, obviously, not in theaters playing crappy movies.
The Father of My Children: A filmmaker and his family struggle with his suicidal despair. And hilarity ensues??? Would a Blacked-up version of this movie be "The Fathers of My Children?"
Holy Rollers: A Hasid youth struggles with his beliefs and and faith when he begins smuggling Ecstasy in the late 90s. As long as he's not doing it on a Saturday, what's the problem?
Mother and Child: Reunion is only a motion away. That's a quick way of saying I know nothing about this movie.
The Secret in Their Eyes: I know even less. And, shit, it doesn't even connect to a lousy Paul Simon song.
How To Train Your Dragon in 3-D: That apartment is only one bedroom. If you really need to train your dragon, 4-J is much bigger.
Furry Vengeance: Brendan Fraser vs. some CGI critters. Obviously, Brendan has been getting career tips from Michael Caine. Remember the immortal words of Nancy Reagan? Just say no.
Princess Kaiulani: For those of you masochists looking for a history lesson on Hawaii, this is your movie. As for me, I'll simply wait for the next incarnation of Jack Lord and Kam Fong.
Kites: An Indian romantic comedy. Seriously. Sleepless in New Delhi. One question: who'll be manning the phones this weekend at Dell Computer?

Dinner last night: Proscuitto and roasted red peppers on sourdough bread.