My Sights and Sounds - Going Platinum in "Dallas"

You're scratching your head at the moment.  What am I up to now?

Well, I'll tell y'all. 

As I close out my 2010 of travel, I recently made a horrific discovery.  I would fall two thousand miles short of maintaining my quite lucrative Platinum frequent flyer status on American Airlines.  Gasp.

I called American's Customer Service and asked what other people have done when they are in a similar predicament.  Can you simply buy some miles?  Does American let the small shortage slide and give you Platinum anyway?  The answer back to me was rather simple.

"People book a flight and go to have lunch in another city."

This blew my mind.  And certainly gave me a challenge. What was about 1000 miles away and imminently lunchable?

Dallas was the perfect choice.  I've been there before.  I have a good friend in town who can chauffeur me around.  And the round trip flight was certainly doable even if it made for a long day.

Once I had confirmed that "Big D" would be my Platinum-getter, my Texas pal asked me what I wanted to do for my five or so hours in town.  A tour of the Cowboys' new stadium?  Nah.  The Texas School Book Depository?  Again?  Nah.

My answer back to him was rather simple.  It was the one spot I had yet to visit in Dallas.

The Southfork Ranch.  Home for many TV seasons of the exterior shooting for the popular TV series "Dallas."

Cue the music....


"Dallas" was one of my true guilty pleasures for years.   I rarely missed an episode for 13 prime time seasons.  And, truth be told, when my writing partner and I first moved to Los Angeles, we spent the first few months revisiting the entire series all over again.  Yeah, we had a lot of time to kill.  Nevertheless, to actually walk the premises which has now been turned into a major tourist attraction was one appealing lure.  The Land of the Ewings and renewed Platinum status.  Yee ha!

It is amazing to me how much detail from the TV show has been maintained and/or restored.  From the front gate...

...to that opening credit shot of the big house.  I suddenly felt like I was part of this world.  Where's my own personal oil well?

And who knew???  The Ewings actually put up Christmas lights.

You start your visit at the Southfork Ranch Visitor Center where a Universal Studios-like tram takes you out to the house which was liberally used for exteriors.  The guide was some old codger who reminded me of Wilford Brimley trying to do twenty minutes at the Improv.    He was that unfunny.  Just get us out to the house and can the gags, Grandpa.

Our first stop was the "Dallas" museum.  Yes, there is such a thing.  With all sorts of memorablia and photos from the production.

This once held Victoria Principal's ass.  I, of course, never did.

This once held Linda Gray's ass.  Of course, I never did.

The sign that says it's Lucy Ewing Cooper's wedding gown.  God, Charlene Tilton was short.  I have bath towels at home that are larger.

The Ewing Family Tree.  It looks like one of those theories they wrote on the blackboard in Advanced Calculus.  The only secrets that were not revealed by that Wikileaks dude.

Approaching the house on the tram, it looks remarkably the same as it did twenty years ago.  The attention to detail was superb.  Nothing looked out of place. 

The famous terrace deck from which Mary Crosby's character took some LSD and fell dead into the pool.

It's not that big a drop from the terrace, so that must have been some really potent acid.

There are rooms inside the house decorated to simulate that the family lived there.  All the dopey German tourists around me were snapping photos like crazy and remarking that the rooms looked smaller on television.  Hey, Dumkopfs, they didn't film the interiors here.  They were all done on a soundstage in Culver City. 

The only thing that looked realistic about the Ewing living room was that spooky photo of Jock over the fireplace.  I guess this is what it would have looked if there ever was a "Dallas" Christmas episode.

This is Lucy's supposed bedroom.  How do we know that?  Doesn't everybody have a big portrait of themselves hanging over where they sleep?  This was a little off-putting to me since I always figured Lucy and her husband slept on bunk beds.

On the series, nobody entered through this little-seen front door.  Most of the Ewings came into the house via...

...this driveway.  No more sports cars or limos.  All that's left is this calf-pulling tractor.  Another great opening for a Lucy Ewing joke.

Here I am seated in Miss Ellie's spot at the famous outdoor breakfast table.  I noticed some Cocoa Puffs underneath the table.  Yep, a perfect opening for another Lucy Ewing joke.

I was very careful not to fall into the pool like what always happened to somebody at those famous Ewing Barbecues.

Just so you know, I did put in a bid for this amazing property while I was there.  Somehow, I knew 250 dollars was going to get accepted.

We were left to wander around on our own and walk back to the visitor's center. 

There's a nifty spot where we ate lunch.  Miss Ellie's Porch Deli.  One look at the menu and you know that Barbara Bel Geddes was not watching her cholesterol.

This was Jock Ewing's car.  Why must senior citizens always drive these big gas guzzlers???

There is also a huge ballroom and convention center on the premises, as the Southfork Ranch is frequently rented out for weddings, private parties, and, on the day I was there....

...some big Indian pow wow.  Yes, I know that was politically incorrect, but I'll be more respectable when they're paying their taxes for those big casinos.

If only J.R. knew.  "Injuns!  On my property!" 

Heck, he'd probably be pissed knowing that I was walking around there.

Dinner last night:  Cold cuts and salads.