69 AD: EMPEROR VITELLIUS IS CAPTURED AND MURDERED BY THE GEMONIAN STAIRS IN ROME.
With my bum right knee, stairs kill me, too.
1807: THE EMBARGO ACT, FORBIDDING TRADE WITH ALL FOREIGN COUNTRIES, IS PASSED BY THE U.S. CONGRESS AT THE URGING OF PRESIDENT THOMAS JEFFERSON.
But how will we get our really cheap clothing??
1809: THE NON-INTERCOURSE ACT, LIFTING THE EMBARGO ACT EXCEPT FOR THE UNITED KINGDOM AND FRANCE, IS PASSED BY THE U.S. CONGRESS.
Well, that didn't last long. Frankly, I can't get behind anything that promotes non-intercourse.
1851: THE FIRST FREIGHT TRAIN IS OPERATED IN ROORKEE, INDIA.
"Freight" in India means "people." Lots and lots and lots of people.
1864: SAVANNAH, GEORGIA FALLS TO GENERAL WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN, CONCLUDING HIS "MARCH TO THE SEA."
Who wants to go to the shore in the dead of winter?
1890: CORNWALLIS VALLEY RAILWAY BEGINS OPERATION BETWEEN KINGSPORT AND KENTVILLE, NOVA SCOTIA.
With a daily shuttle to that freight train in Roorkee, India.
1894: THE DREYFUS AFFAIR BEGINS IN FRANCE, WHEN ALFRED DREYFUS IS WRONGLY ACCUSED OF TREASON ON ANTI-SEMITIC GROUNDS.
Years later, Richard Dreyfuss is wrongly accused of treason on anti-shark grounds. Okay, that's the best joke I had for this.
1912: FORMER FIRST LADY LADY BIRD JOHNSON IS BORN.
Lady lady? First one to make a Jerry Lewis joke wins.
1915: ACTRESS BARBARA BILLINGSLEY IS BORN.
And she just died. The woman who always made me ask the perennial question: why did my mother vacuum the hallway in high heels?
1917: GAME SHOW HOST GENE RAYBURN IS BORN.
When the labor pains started to kick in, Mrs. Rayburn screamed "blank."
1937: THE LINCOLN TUNNEL OPENS TO TRAFFIC IN NEW YORK CITY.
Completely backed up on December 23, 1937. So, is this date a big one to open up new public transportation shit or what?
1942: DURING WORLD WAR II, ADOLF HITLER SIGNS THE ORDER TO DEVELOP THE V-2 ROCKET AS A WEAPON.
All because he messed up the oral quiz on pastels.
1947: THE CONSTITUENT ASSEMBLY OF ITALY APPROVES THE CONSTITUTION OF ITALY.
Later on, the Constituent Assembly of Poland approved the Constitution of Ohio.
1949: BEE GEES MAURICE AND ROBIN GIBB ARE BORN.
Just so you know that this author is still learning things every day. I had no idea these guys were twins.
1953: ACTRESS BERN'NADETTE STANIS IS BORN.
Good times, bad punctuation.
1956: COLO, THE FIRST GORILLA TO BE BRED IN CAPTIVITY, IS BORN.
Or as his parents later named him. Co'Lo.
1965: IN THE UNITED KINGDOM, A 70 MPH SPEED LIMIT IS APPLIED TO ALL RURAL ROADS. PREVIOUSLY, THERE HAD BEEN NO SPEED LIMIT.
Hey, why not? After all, what was everybody rushing home for? Mum's home cooking?
1979: MOVIE PRODUCER DARRYL F. ZANUCK DIES.
Turns out December 22 was the shortest day for him.
1984: BERNIE GOETZ SHOOTS FOUR WOULD-BE AFRICAN-AMERICAN MUGGERS ON A MANHATTAN SUBWAY.
I'm still wondering why we don't get this day off.
1990: THE PARLIAMENT OF CROATIA ADOPTS THE CURRENT CONSTITUION OF CROATIA.
Since it worked out so well for Italy in 1947.
1995: ACTRESS BUTTERFLY MCQUEEN DIES.
She knew nothing about birthin', but she obviously figured out how to manage the back end of the deal.
2001: RICHARD REID ATTEMPTS TO DESTROY A PASSENGER AIRLINER BY IGNITING EXPLOSIVES IN HIS SHOES.
And you were wondering exactly when we started to remove our shoes at airport security?
2002: SUSAN MARX (WIFE OF HARPO) DIES.
Now she's not talking either.
2002: MARY MARX (WIFE OF CHICO) DIES.
WTF! A suicide pact? Cashing in on a bulk discount at the funeral parlor?
Dinner last night: Salad.
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