The majestic Radio City Music Hall lobby in all its glory. Folks lined up for the best that Hollywood has to offer.
And, perhaps forty or fifty years later, we begin the summer moviegoing season with arguably the worst slate of films in the history of Hollywood. I'll give you a pass on the last Harry Potter installment due out. It has its legion of fans and, at least, some of them actually read the books. The rest of the summer trash? Mindless piles of shit that had no business being made in the first place. And, so it begins. Enter your multiplex at your own risk.
You know the drill. I'll canvas today's Los Angeles Time movie listings and give you my knee-jerk reaction on what deserves your attention. And, most likely, what you need to avoid like a plague.
Pirates of the Caribbean - On Stranger Tides: Talk about thieves. These pirates have nothing on Johnny Depp and the filmmakers who are stealing you blind with the fourth installment of this crap, which was stillborn when the first movie came out. Moronic twenty-year-old guys are walking the plank to see this and don't even realize there are sharks in the water below.
The Hangover, Part 2: Now here's one I'm waiting for. Not. The first one got such decent reviews that I went to see it myself. My life hasn't been the same since. Kill these people before they strike again. The same idiots who are going to see Pirates will run to this, too. Pray for the youth of America.
Bridesmaids: Those knucklehead twenty-year-old boys all have fat girlfriends and that's the audience for this hot mess. Chubby chicks all dreaming about fitting into a wedding dress that is two sizes too small anyway. I know some single women who saw this and even they didn't like it. My God! If you can't even please your own target audience...
Everything Must Go: The detestable Will Ferrell tries his hand at drama, having still to have success at comedy. Will is my first contribution to a zombie for the next scheduled Rapture. A complete mystery talent who still needs to arrested and charged for giving us Anchorman.
The Beaver: Jodie Foster, Mel Gibson, and definitely not Jerry Mathers.
13 Assassins: Is this the new conspiracy theory about the grassy knoll in Dallas? We're going to hear that JFK's killers all showed up in a yellow school bus.
Thor: Thud.
Kung Fu Panda 2: That comes with a spring roll, right? I didn't see the first one. I won't see this one. I will not see the inevitable third, fourth, and fifth ones.
Make Believe: Six young magicians pursue success and experience the trials of adolescence. Most likely to try and make their parents disappear.
The Abduction of Zack Butterfield: A woman kidnaps a 14 year-old boy and holds him prisoner. Isn't that how Demi Moore landed Ashton Kutcher?
Dumbstruck: Documentary follows five ventriloquists on and off stage. This actually sounds like my kind of movie. And, from what I hear, two of the dummies involved are actually United States Senators.
The Tree of Life: Brad Pitt as a father in 1850s Texas trying to mend his relationship with his young son. Needs to be chopped down immediately.
Fast Five: Even faster if you don't bother at all.
Jumping the Broom: Two Black families converge on Martha's Vineyard for a wedding. Uh huh. Sometimes you have to suspend all thoughts of plausibility when you go to the movies. Usually, the only Blacks seen on the island are cleaning toilets at the Kennedy compound. Here's hoping we can get JFK Jr. to fly some of them up.
Midnight in Paris: Allegedly Woody Allen's best movie in years. Owen Wilson is in it, so there's already one strike against it even before it starts.
Something Borrowed: So let's return it. Like immediately.
Water for Elephants: Nap for Me.
Priest: A priest disobeys church law to track down the vampires who kidnapped his niece. So, let me get this straight. Gays and women clergy, not good. Vampires, okay?
Hobo with a Shotgun: A homeless vigilante blows away crooked cops, pedophile Santas, and other scumbags with his trusty pump-action shotgun. Okay, I'm in.
The First Grader: The true story of an 84 year-old Kenyan villager and ex Mau Mau freedom fighter who fights for his right to go to school for the first time to get the education he could never afford. Does this sound even remotely like a movie I would see? If it does, may I please refer you to the last four plus years of this blog?
The Double Hour: Speed dating in Italy. You're cheating on your girlfriend five minutes after you meet her.
Cave of Forgotten Dreams: Another Werner Herzog documentary. You can never go wrong. People with brains, please line up to the right.
Forks Over Knives: A documentary examines the profound claim that most, if not all, of the degenerative diseases that afflict us can be controlled, or even reversed, by rejecting our present menu of animal-based and processed foods. Are hot dogs available at the candy counter? The filmmakers better not look at my daily "Dinner last night."
Dinner last night: Had a big late lunch, so nothing really.
1 comment:
"Hobo With A Shotgun" is a good title because it's about...a hobo with a shotgun. The ad made me LOL which is more than "The Hangover" can do.
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